The Strong Willed Child

Just wondering. Are any of you in the same boat as we are? The boat that has a strong willed child at the helm who is pushing every single one of your buttons?

If you're in the boat with me, welcome. And let's hang on for the ride.

It's a wild one. The waves are frequent. The wind is ferocious.

But I hear tell that there is hope. I heard that right here.

If you scroll down a little bit you'll find a thing to click on. The title is Surviving the Strong-Willed Child. There are two parts.

If you are in the rockin'-strong-willed-child boat, I encourage you to listen. It encouraged me greatly.

Let me describe to you what our strong willed child looks like. We say to do one thing, the child looks at us, grins, and does the opposite. Of course, we discipline for the obstinancy, but the discipline seriously does no good. None. It's almost as if the discipline just urges the bad behavior to the front.

By the end of the day, I have a headache that would rival the size of Mt. Everest. Some days our SWC is super sweet. Some days the child appears to simply be searching for things to do that they know will get Mommy's feathers ruffled.

I try so hard to not get those feathers ruffled, but the human in me doesn't succeed very often.

I'll have to say. Perhaps the SWC is a blessing in my life. In fact, I know it is. That child is the child who has enhanced my prayer life more than anything else in my life ever has. That child is also the one who is capable of keeping me a very humble woman.

The above link is a talk given by a lady named Cynthia Ulrich Tobias. She was a strong willed child herself and the insight she has makes me think that she has been peeking in our windows.

The following is taken directly from her website, Apple St.

Keep a Positive Focus

Being strong-willed does not have to be a negative trait! I often remind parents of SWCs that their children may change the world—after all, it’s not likely that the world is going to change them! Your SWC may be God’s instrument for making the world a better place. It is a great gift to have a child with firm convictions, a high spirit, and a sense of adventure. Think about some of the great leaders and innovators in our past—Thomas Jefferson, Marie Curie , Albert Einstein, Joan of Arc, Thomas Edison, and others. Each of these people held up under adversity, stood for his or her convictions, and persisted against all odds. They refused to believe their dreams were impossible.

It Takes One to Know One!

I have talked to thousands of SWCs over the past several years, including hundreds of prodigal sons and daughters, and they have given me a wealth of information to share with you. Their answers are consistent, and their insights are valuable.

I have also lived my life seeing firsthand how the mind of the SWC works—from the inside out. I was never what you would call a rebellious or defiant child. I grew up the daughter of a conservative, evangelical preacher, and I never rebelled against my dad or caused him to feel ashamed of me. I was not a particularly loud or obnoxious child. I never talked back to a teacher. In fact, you couldn’t have traced half the trouble I caused back to me! Outwardly, I was quiet and compliant and basically easy to get along with.

But whenever I am backed into a corner and told "Do it…or else," I simply "else." I may not be confrontive or loud, but I know there is nothing I really have to do—except "die." Which I am willing to do. And since I am willing to "die" and you’re not , I win. (OK, I’m dead, but I win.) As you can imagine, this mindset has always presented a unique challenge to my parents and others in authority over me.

My mother tells me that as early as eighteen months I had already figured out no one could really make me do anything. She tried to insist I eat all the food that was placed before me. As soon as I figured out she was going to have me sit there until the food was gone, I simply dumped the contents of the bowl on top of my head. It became a contest each meal to see if Mom could figure out which bite was my last one before the bowl was dumped and she had a mess to clean up. It didn’t take long for her to decide the battle wasn’t worth it!

My sister came along five years after I did, and she was nothing like me. Since it took my parents that long to work up the courage to have another child, I think they were relieved to find Sandee so compliant and pleasant-natured. As the oldest, I used my position and strong-willed nature to both delight and traumatize my sister. I was definitely in charge, and Sandee followed my lead. Sometimes the bully, often the dictator, or even the encourager, I enjoyed having my sister recognize and appreciate my strengths.

Although my mother was convinced we would never be able to do anything but fight with each other, as adults Sandee and I are very close, and enjoy a wonderful relationship. People often ask her if she grew up resenting me because I was such an SWC. She sweetly smiles, and claims it was actually a blessing. "You see," she explains, "I loved it. Since Cindy was always the one with the dangerous or adventurous ideas, I was never the one to get in trouble. I would just say it wasn’t my idea, wasn’t my fault—and Mom knew I was telling the truth."

Even though I’m an SWC myself, I believe my best credentials for speaking out on behalf of all SWCs is that I am the parent of a strong-willed son. (My mother denies she prayed this would happen so I would know what it was like!) My son Michael is so typical of the SWC. At one moment he is loving and thoughtful; at the next he is relentlessly terrorizing his brother or mouthing off to his father.

I am forced to live what I teach every day. I am not giving you advice from a quiet corner. I am in the trenches with you. I know firsthand that having an SWC can be both the best and worst thing that can happen to you. Mike is strong and intelligent and determined. He can ruthlessly drive himself to master a task or achieve a goal. And yet the strength of his will is often at its worst when obstacles stand in the way of his plans or when his twin bother, Robert, is not his normally compliant self. Mike can quickly change from a focused, analytic child to a frustrated, impatient kid, loudly demanding his way. At times like this I hear him screaming at his brother:

"You’re fired, Robert! You’re not my brother anymore!" Of course, if Robert calls his bluff and walks away, Mike is quick to call him back—immediately suggesting at least a slight compromise.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’ve come to the right place! I’m about to offer you more hope and encouragement about your relationship with your SWC than you may have thought possible. I know we SWCs can drive you crazy. We know how to push the buttons that reduce you to rage in a matter of seconds. We seem to constantly choose to do things the hard way. School and other traditional functions may leave us bored, frustrated and restless.

But if you are the parent of an SWC, you have been given the opportunity to love, nurture and guide an individual who has great potential. Why not direct that wonderful and mysterious energy into the right channels, and use that marvelous determination to achieve positive results? True, you will be stretched and challenged beyond what you thought were your limits. But ultimately, you can be rewarded with an SWC who loves God, who loves you, and who leaves your home with the ability to be a successful adult.

This book can place in your hands a priceless treasure—the gift of understanding your SWC. I hope to give you a glimpse into the mind of an SWC so you can begin to see how it works. I want to offer you practical strategies for how to motivate and inspire your SWC rather than to simply engage in power struggles and pointless battles. I will offer guidelines to help you determine whether you need to do something drastic. What you are about to read and think about can heal your relationship with your SWC, bring peace to an argumentative family, and help you discover some wonderful things about yourself in the process.

Most of all, I hope this book shows you that instead of simply becoming exasperated and irritated with your SWC, you can honor and value what he or she does best, while still holding every individual accountable for moral and spiritual values.

Hang on, and keep an open mind!


Okay. That was longer than I thought it would be. So many of the things that she states are so typical of our child. Even down to the declaration of "You're fired!" Though our declaration was, "I did that cause I don't love my (sibling)."

If you know us at all, you will know immediately which of our children fits this bill. You will know which of our children causes us much stress. You will know which of our children is an absolute joy one second and an absolute monster the next.

Yep. We're in the boat. And we're hanging on for the ride.

Anyone right there paddling with us?!