I really don't like this guy. At all. Still.
Far too often I find myself right back in the dance.
W arning
A rguing
L ecturing
T hreatening
E xcusing and accepting E xcuses
R eminding
It's such a habit. Kind of like nibbling on my nails or picking the skin off my lips. Yes, I know that's a strange habit.
But habits are hard to break. Any kind of habit. It's so easy to slip back into saying, "If you don't do that right now you're going to have to sit strong" rather than saying, "Uh-oh! Time to practice sitting strong!!"
My days consist of firing off split second prayers to Jesus...."PLEASE DON'T LET ME DANCE WITH WALTER." "Help me to keep a smile on my lips and in my eyes." "Let me see the good in this child no matter what he's doing to me." "Help me to be the strong mommy that these children need, cause right now I feel really weak."
Those little prayers sound a tad selfish. All that praying for me and none of it for anyone else. Oops.
But right now? I feel that I need lots of prayers.
Yesterday my dear, sweet, lovable son spent 5 hours in his bedroom simply because he WOULD NOT do his crawling. For 15 minutes. Hard stuff, that is.
Yes. 5 hours. He didn't have too rough a time though. He got sent to his room because he refused to stay on his rug. Instead he was kicking cabinets, spitting on me, kicking anyone who came close, throwing whatever he could get his hands on. I sent him to his room to chill out for a few minutes...and he stretched it into 5 hours. GULP.
He had a ball, by all appearances!! We have a video camera in there so we can make sure he doesn't hurt himself, and I tell you what...it was just like watching a movie. Everything in his room was stacked on his bed multiple times (lego table, nightstand, toddler bed, shoes from his closet, clothes, blankets, etc.) and then he'd crawl around on it like it was a jungle gym. Then it would all come back off and he'd jump on the bed. Then he took the screen out of his window...which was far from safe considering he's on the second story....so his daddy nailed a fence panel over the window simply to keep him from hurting himself. Sharp. Then it was back to stacking the bed full. Then....
I went up every little bit with a glass of cold water, which he'd guzzle right down and get back to his creative room rearranging.
At the end of the five hours, he simple said, "FINE. I guess I'll sit strong." He proceeded to unload his bed, crawl into the middle of it and there he sat. Straight and strong for the thirty seconds that are required.
I can't say it was all that easy to watch him destroying his room, but it was entertaining. And sad. He is so stuck in his survival mode that it's so terribly difficult for him to give in and do as he knows he should.
The rest of the evening went great!
And that's how our days often go. He starts off with ramped up behaviors, decides that he's the only one that it appears to be affecting, and flips his switch to happy and obedient. Praise the Lord for the switch!!
But. That was far from the topic at hand.
WALTER.
I think we're ready for T hreaten.
I don't like this one. At all. Just the word makes me a little uncomfortable. It sounds horrid...like we all threaten to stuff our children into a closet for the day or something. But it doesn't even have to be that. In this case (of course stuffing them into a closet, or even threatening to do that is beyond horrible), we are simply talking about simple threats. "If you do that one more time, we won't go to Grandma's" while knowing that you probably will still go to Grandma's no matter what little Johnny does. "If you throw that toy, you'll have to pick up all the toys by yourself for a week" and then you forget that you ever said it and the child knows that you'll forget cause you said the same thing yesterday. "Don't do that again, or..."
Honestly? It's far easier to just go straight to the consequence rather than to threaten something. One thing that I have noticed in the week and a half since coming home from Colorado is that we have a much happier household. Much happier. I know it doesn't sound like it from the stories that you've been regaled with, but it is so true. I find that if I employ the dance with WALTER, I get way stressed out. It's hard to remember all the warnings and threats and reminders. However, if I (with some major help from Jesus) can manage to skip all that and head straight to the consequence or restitution, I can manage to keep the smile. That saying, 'If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy'? It's beyond true.
From the purple book....Threats come from enemies. Ouch. And as they told us at the ranch, when we threaten our children we are telling them that we aren't strong enough to handle their behavior. We aren't strong enough to deal with the behavior immediately. We aren't strong enough to deal with them actually, which, for our children, simply reinforces the fact in their wounded minds that they are unlovable and unloved. Big ouch. We need to be strong so we can teach our children to be strong.
Moving on.
Next up is E xcuses or E xcusing behaviors.
Excuses are rampant around here. Before Colorado (and no, it isn't all in the past as of yet) our oldest child was the queen of excuses. We'd ask what took her so long to gather eggs (should take about 10 minutes and often took about 45 minutes) and she'd spout off a list of excuses a mile long. Usually it had to do with a kitten or a puppy or a chicken that wasn't acting quite right. She's a pro at the "Yes, but..." or the "Well, I..." Now it's a pretty simple fix. She/he start in with an excuse, all we have to say is "Mouth Hug!!!" No, it's not well accepted all the time and no, we don't remember that and launch into a lecture at times, but it is improving. Of course, after the appropriate mouth hug is completed, the child has to tell us what happened to need a mouth hug.
Off on another rabbit trail....that's something else that has made it so much easier to stay cheerful. If THEY have to tell us what the offense was, it puts it right back on their shoulders. If I have to tell them, I fall into lecture mode and the dance with Walter begins all over again. As Mr. James and Miss Nancy told us over and over and over..."Make them use their brains. Give yours a rest." Of course it's a little difficult to practice the 'what happened' with a child who can't really communicate very well (Jack) but we are still able to communicate with hand gestures!
The E xcusing behaviors is one that I just tacked on there for me to remember. My child is not an extension of myself. In other words, while my child has learned a lot from watching my reactions, that doesn't mean that he/she doesn't make his/her own decisions. They are little humans. They do make their own choices. If they want to vegitate in their bedrooms for most of the day, that doesn't necessarily reflect badly on me. He knew that all he had to do was sit strong for thirty seconds. He made the choice to drag that out for five hours. While we still need to guide our children to make right decisions, they do have brains of their own and will still make the wrong choices at times. Hmmmm. Sounds like me. I think it's called being a human.
And then we're to the end of Walter. Reminders.
That is so easy. Way too easy, in fact. "Didn't I tell you to make your bed?" "You were supposed to do that job half an hour ago." "How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your dirty clothes after your shower?" "Ahem. Is that where that belongs?" This is another one that I tend to fall right back into. Instead of wasting all my breath reminding, we were told that all we have to say is, "Go sit strong while you think about what you are supposed to be doing." Once again, it places all brain thought on the child and the parent can move on whistling while the child sits and thinks a tad. Chances are great that by the time the sitting strong is happening correctly, the child totally remembers what it was they were to be doing. And then they'll do it. :) Except they didn't do it because they didn't want to in the first place so it may take multiple times of sitting strong before he/she can get it done 'fast and snappy and right the first time'. Another saying that we learned at the ranch.
Why is it that just typing all this stuff out makes it sound so easy? Perhaps it has been/will be for you...but it's just not that easy for me. In my four years of being a mom, I have danced with Walter on a daily basis. Not with all six points of Walter, but with at least one every day. How sad. Four years of wasted brain power and too much control freakish stuff in me.
So. We're not the perfect parents. We never will be. I still go to bed at night and think..."Oh, if I had just done this instead of that." I don't think Jesus expects us to be perfect. Make that, I know He doesn't expect us to be perfect. It's simply not possible.
The time has come for me to stop dancing and start walking. The time has come and is actually long overdue for me to stop being a grouch and start being the happy, smiling mommy that my children deserve.
I feel like you all can now see right through our very dirty windows and can see what all happens in our house. I feel like we're on display. As not fun as that feeling is, I want everyone to know the truth. The truth is...we're humans. Just because we adopted our children does not mean that we don't get frustrated. Just because we have had training and whatnot on the best way to deal with our troubled children does not make us any better parents than the next set of parents. In fact perhaps the fact that we had to search out professional help in our parenting tells on our lack of parenting skills.
No matter how I feel about folks peeping in our windows, I still believe that if it helps one family out there, it is worth being put on display. This certainly is not what we planned when we married nearly nine years ago. (NINE years?!) We had a plan for our lives. We were going to have whatever number of children God wanted us to have through the 'normal' method of family building. We were going to go on lovely family trips to Colorado where we could just rest and relax. We were going to just be a normal family with normal everyday lives that were far from being interesting or entertaining.
Instead, God called us down the path of infertility...thus shooting our plan of normal family building completely..until now, of course :) God called us down the path of adoption...thus shooting our plan of lovely family trips to Colorado. Instead, we have taken multiple trips to the land of Russia...none of which I would call restful or relaxing. God called us down the path of troubled children...thus opening our lives to all who know us, and those who don't know us as well.
No, we wouldn't have to be so open. We wouldn't have to tell it all. We could just stick to ourselves and be little hermits who keep all our struggles to ourselves. That would be easier, by far.
But as stated above...we decided long ago that if our journey can help just one other person, being open will have been well worth it.
Not only that...we so appreciate and feel the prayers of everyone....and that has kept us pressing on for the last 7 years. Because seven years ago was when we started down the path that made us a 'not normal' family. And seven years ago was when we began to crack our dirty windows to the world...thus allowing folks from near and far to see just how imperfect we really are.
Deepest apologies if none of this makes a speck of sense. It made sense to me as I was typing...but time is not on my side currently, so I must hit 'publish post' before I take the time to proofread it.
God's blessings to each and every one of you as we strive to raise little soldiers for the army of Jesus!!
Life With Littles
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
So. How's It Going?!
Mom! Come here so I can kick you! (I'll be right there, Sweetums.)
Nobody likes me. (Nope. That's why we're devoting our lives to you right now.)
Fine. I guess I'll sit strong. (Oh, don't do it too quickly. It's only been 2 hours since I asked you to do that.)
Waaaaahhhhhhh!!!! Everybody gets to have fun except me. (Is that why you're playing with legos?)
Nobody likes me. (Nope. Still don't.)
I can scare everybody in this house. (Watch me freak out.)
Mom! Come here so I can hit you. (Of course, my dear.)
So there you have it. Our days in a nutshell. :) Really, though. We have seen vast improvement in the past week....but the days are kind of like a roller coaster.
One hour goes absolutely super, and the next is constant screaming and flopping on the floor.
One night we all sleep soundly for eight hours, and the next the adults sleep soundly while the children keep themselves entertained for the night. You know. Why wouldn't you want to stay up most of the night playing in your bedroom? Think of how strong you could be the next day. :)
As long as they don't keep me awake with their playing, I'm all for it!! Sure, I'd love to be up there making sure that they are getting the appropriate amount of sleep, but it'd be a losing battle. There's a couple things that we as the parents cannot control. Eating and sleeping are two of them. I can force a child to stick a bite in his/her mouth, but I can't force the chewing and swallowing. I can force a child to stay in bed, but I certainly can't make them go to sleep. So. We do the thing that really doesn't feel right at all, and totally ignore them after they are in bed.
And, no. We are not super-parents. We are winging it and reading the purple book, and gleaning from memory all the things that Mr. James and Miss Nancy taught us. While I've never been a huge fan of therapists, I learned in our short week that they do have their place. They are needed. They do have a special gift from God and I am so very thankful that they are available.
According to the book, (grin) they'll (our children, not the therapists) eventually learn that sleep is the only way to have a good day. Sleep is needed. Sleep is a blessing. And only they can make themselves go to sleep.
Our days are fairly scheduled. Okay. Make that really scheduled. Or perhaps even scheduled to an extreme.
Not my idea of fun. Sure, I like schedules as much as the next person, but I much prefer to wing it.
Everyone is up at 6:15. Yes. You read that correctly. 6:15AM. It doesn't matter how late the thumping lasted the night before, we get up bright and early at this house.
The children all make their beds and sit strong beside them until Jason or I check them. Usually we try to check them in about 30 seconds-1 minute after they let us know that the bed is made. Too long of sitting strong and they lose all interest in doing what they know they are to be doing.
Beds made, they get dressed and come downstairs.
Then is when the schedule isn't quite so clear. Some mornings we have breakfast right away, some mornings we head outside to do the chores.
Addie feeds and waters the chickens, and gathers eggs. Will carries fresh water to the dogs. Unless, of course, they didn't make their beds nicely and then Mommy does the chores. If Mommy has to do the chores, that means they have to do one of Mommy's chores later in the day. Sweep a floor, do the dishes, or maybe just giving a lovely backrub!
Once breakfast is over, all three of them head for their rugs and I start them on some kind of project...coloring, playing with legos, building with blocks, writing the alphabet, writing numbers, playing with tractors, playing with a baby doll, etc.
That lasts roughly 1/2 hour. Or until I remember that it's time to switch out.
Then they each have a simple chore....wash a cupboard, clean the front of the fridge or stove or microwave, dust the chairs, dust some furniture, clean the sink or toilet, take laundry to the washer, etc.
Some days the jobs are accomplished quickly....some days they take several hours. :) Especially with Will. While in Colorado he took 1 1/2 hours to fold four washclothes. Impressive. And it wasn't because he was taking such care with making sure they were folded correctly.
The first one done with chores gets to jump on the mini tramp for 25 minutes or crawl for 15. My choice...the other will be done in the afternoon.
Why the jumping and crawling? Something about those movements make the brain function in a needed way. It makes the two sides of the brain cross over and work together.
The jumping is well loved. The crawling? Not so much. There's a bell at one end of the run and a Staples "that was easy" button at the other so I can tell that it's really happening without having to be right there watching. They have a choice...crawl really well for 15 minutes, or really poorly for 30 minutes. And, no, I don't make all the rules....I simply follow the book.
After every block of time they all three sit strong to allow some time for their brains to switch gears. Not a well liked part...and often involves much screaming and flopping...all to sit strong for 30 seconds. :) BUT, that, too is improving. :)
Lunch time is right at noon.
And we start in again!!! Jack takes a nap while the other two march on through the day in 1/2 hour increments.
Puzzle time is after lunch, more lego time, book reading time (I read to them), jumping or crawling for whoever didn't get it done in the morning, perhaps some bike riding outside, or sandbox playing....or swing riding if we had a swing. It fell with the tree when the storm went through. :(
Eventually we make it to supper time and that means the day is nearly over. They go to bed between 7:30 and 8:00. I know. I can hardly stand it, but we were told while in Colorado that a child our children's ages need the opportunity to sleep for 10-12 hours a day. Wow. Opportunity is the major key word here. :) Sometimes they'll all be sleeping in 5 minutes...sometimes they're all still awake at 11:00.
And then I crash. Or catch up on things that didn't get accomplished that day. Or water flowers. Or head to the garden. Or read a book.
And try to be in bed no later than 10:00 so I can get about eight hours of sleep before starting all over again! Eight hours....IF baby George decides to lie still and sleep rather than turning cartwheels half the night.
While it doesn't sound too stressful to see it written out here, I have to admit that it gets to me at times. That's when I lock myself in the bathroom for a bit to recuperate. But the one child has to be in there with me as whenever I leave the room he is suddenly kicking the other children (no matter where they're at in the house, he chases them down and finds them) or knocking over their toys, or simply screaming at them to scare them. BUT, yes. He is improving. :)
The screaming and yelling is what gets to me the most, I guess. It's mentally exhausting to listen to that for several hours each day.
We're hanging in there. I have been ever so thankful for my husband. When he's around he takes over to give me a break. And he takes Jack with him frequently so the poor little guy isn't terrified. It really eats at Jack when the other two are having screaming parties. He doesn't know which end is up at that point and I often have to hold him or just send him outside to play to get him away from the chaos.
Yes. I said 'when the other TWO are having screaming parties'. That is one thing we did not expect. At all. While we knew that Will needed some help in the form of therapy...we really didn't catch on with Addie.
Her therapy sessions dragged up some old dirt and hurt that she really was trying hard to forget and now it's all out in the open. She's worked up about the new schedule. She's worked up about not being able to go and do and see other folks....though when she does have the chance it's proving to be too much for her right now. Simply put, she doesn't like being forced to learn to trust someone other than herself.
And, truly? That is what is happening. They are not in control of one single decision in their days at this point. Here in a week or two we are to start giving them very simple choices...do you want tea or water? Yes, very simple.
As the pictures prove, it's not all horrid. We do have fun. We do stay happy...at least the adults of the family do. We do love each other.
Yes, it's a little stressful at times now, but we have hope. We see a glint of light at the end of the tunnel. And we are learning all over again to trust God with every single little thing.
Nobody likes me. (Nope. That's why we're devoting our lives to you right now.)
Fine. I guess I'll sit strong. (Oh, don't do it too quickly. It's only been 2 hours since I asked you to do that.)
Waaaaahhhhhhh!!!! Everybody gets to have fun except me. (Is that why you're playing with legos?)
Nobody likes me. (Nope. Still don't.)
I can scare everybody in this house. (Watch me freak out.)
Mom! Come here so I can hit you. (Of course, my dear.)
So there you have it. Our days in a nutshell. :) Really, though. We have seen vast improvement in the past week....but the days are kind of like a roller coaster.
One hour goes absolutely super, and the next is constant screaming and flopping on the floor.
One night we all sleep soundly for eight hours, and the next the adults sleep soundly while the children keep themselves entertained for the night. You know. Why wouldn't you want to stay up most of the night playing in your bedroom? Think of how strong you could be the next day. :)
As long as they don't keep me awake with their playing, I'm all for it!! Sure, I'd love to be up there making sure that they are getting the appropriate amount of sleep, but it'd be a losing battle. There's a couple things that we as the parents cannot control. Eating and sleeping are two of them. I can force a child to stick a bite in his/her mouth, but I can't force the chewing and swallowing. I can force a child to stay in bed, but I certainly can't make them go to sleep. So. We do the thing that really doesn't feel right at all, and totally ignore them after they are in bed.
And, no. We are not super-parents. We are winging it and reading the purple book, and gleaning from memory all the things that Mr. James and Miss Nancy taught us. While I've never been a huge fan of therapists, I learned in our short week that they do have their place. They are needed. They do have a special gift from God and I am so very thankful that they are available.
According to the book, (grin) they'll (our children, not the therapists) eventually learn that sleep is the only way to have a good day. Sleep is needed. Sleep is a blessing. And only they can make themselves go to sleep.
Our days are fairly scheduled. Okay. Make that really scheduled. Or perhaps even scheduled to an extreme.
Not my idea of fun. Sure, I like schedules as much as the next person, but I much prefer to wing it.
Everyone is up at 6:15. Yes. You read that correctly. 6:15AM. It doesn't matter how late the thumping lasted the night before, we get up bright and early at this house.
The children all make their beds and sit strong beside them until Jason or I check them. Usually we try to check them in about 30 seconds-1 minute after they let us know that the bed is made. Too long of sitting strong and they lose all interest in doing what they know they are to be doing.
Beds made, they get dressed and come downstairs.
Then is when the schedule isn't quite so clear. Some mornings we have breakfast right away, some mornings we head outside to do the chores.
Addie feeds and waters the chickens, and gathers eggs. Will carries fresh water to the dogs. Unless, of course, they didn't make their beds nicely and then Mommy does the chores. If Mommy has to do the chores, that means they have to do one of Mommy's chores later in the day. Sweep a floor, do the dishes, or maybe just giving a lovely backrub!
Once breakfast is over, all three of them head for their rugs and I start them on some kind of project...coloring, playing with legos, building with blocks, writing the alphabet, writing numbers, playing with tractors, playing with a baby doll, etc.
That lasts roughly 1/2 hour. Or until I remember that it's time to switch out.
Then they each have a simple chore....wash a cupboard, clean the front of the fridge or stove or microwave, dust the chairs, dust some furniture, clean the sink or toilet, take laundry to the washer, etc.
Some days the jobs are accomplished quickly....some days they take several hours. :) Especially with Will. While in Colorado he took 1 1/2 hours to fold four washclothes. Impressive. And it wasn't because he was taking such care with making sure they were folded correctly.
The first one done with chores gets to jump on the mini tramp for 25 minutes or crawl for 15. My choice...the other will be done in the afternoon.
Why the jumping and crawling? Something about those movements make the brain function in a needed way. It makes the two sides of the brain cross over and work together.
The jumping is well loved. The crawling? Not so much. There's a bell at one end of the run and a Staples "that was easy" button at the other so I can tell that it's really happening without having to be right there watching. They have a choice...crawl really well for 15 minutes, or really poorly for 30 minutes. And, no, I don't make all the rules....I simply follow the book.
After every block of time they all three sit strong to allow some time for their brains to switch gears. Not a well liked part...and often involves much screaming and flopping...all to sit strong for 30 seconds. :) BUT, that, too is improving. :)
Lunch time is right at noon.
And we start in again!!! Jack takes a nap while the other two march on through the day in 1/2 hour increments.
Puzzle time is after lunch, more lego time, book reading time (I read to them), jumping or crawling for whoever didn't get it done in the morning, perhaps some bike riding outside, or sandbox playing....or swing riding if we had a swing. It fell with the tree when the storm went through. :(
Eventually we make it to supper time and that means the day is nearly over. They go to bed between 7:30 and 8:00. I know. I can hardly stand it, but we were told while in Colorado that a child our children's ages need the opportunity to sleep for 10-12 hours a day. Wow. Opportunity is the major key word here. :) Sometimes they'll all be sleeping in 5 minutes...sometimes they're all still awake at 11:00.
And then I crash. Or catch up on things that didn't get accomplished that day. Or water flowers. Or head to the garden. Or read a book.
And try to be in bed no later than 10:00 so I can get about eight hours of sleep before starting all over again! Eight hours....IF baby George decides to lie still and sleep rather than turning cartwheels half the night.
While it doesn't sound too stressful to see it written out here, I have to admit that it gets to me at times. That's when I lock myself in the bathroom for a bit to recuperate. But the one child has to be in there with me as whenever I leave the room he is suddenly kicking the other children (no matter where they're at in the house, he chases them down and finds them) or knocking over their toys, or simply screaming at them to scare them. BUT, yes. He is improving. :)
The screaming and yelling is what gets to me the most, I guess. It's mentally exhausting to listen to that for several hours each day.
We're hanging in there. I have been ever so thankful for my husband. When he's around he takes over to give me a break. And he takes Jack with him frequently so the poor little guy isn't terrified. It really eats at Jack when the other two are having screaming parties. He doesn't know which end is up at that point and I often have to hold him or just send him outside to play to get him away from the chaos.
Yes. I said 'when the other TWO are having screaming parties'. That is one thing we did not expect. At all. While we knew that Will needed some help in the form of therapy...we really didn't catch on with Addie.
Her therapy sessions dragged up some old dirt and hurt that she really was trying hard to forget and now it's all out in the open. She's worked up about the new schedule. She's worked up about not being able to go and do and see other folks....though when she does have the chance it's proving to be too much for her right now. Simply put, she doesn't like being forced to learn to trust someone other than herself.
And, truly? That is what is happening. They are not in control of one single decision in their days at this point. Here in a week or two we are to start giving them very simple choices...do you want tea or water? Yes, very simple.
As the pictures prove, it's not all horrid. We do have fun. We do stay happy...at least the adults of the family do. We do love each other.
Yes, it's a little stressful at times now, but we have hope. We see a glint of light at the end of the tunnel. And we are learning all over again to trust God with every single little thing.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Just a Little Info
To answer the questions that I received regarding the program we were involved in...
I honestly don't know the name of the ranch. I don't know the name of the program.
How's that for helpful?!
The name of the lady who runs the ranch is Nancy Thomas. We used her "Taming the Tiger While It's a Kitten" program with Addie back 3 1/2 years ago (used for small children who are out of control). We loved it. It totally transformed our little lady, though we're doing some of it all over again this week! Her therapy sessions brought out some past hurts that are now being dealt with.
Yes. It's been a VERY pleasant week. Especially if you're fond of screeching and hollering. And children flopping on the floor declaring that nobody likes them.
Nancy Thomas is not a therapist. She employs a therapist by the name of James Dumesnil. I think. And a lady by the name of Judy, who is a retired detective and is the cook and child job enforcer. Our children were a little scared of her at first as she can be rather intimidating, but by the end of the week they loved her!
You can find some information about her and what she does at www.attachment.org.
Nancy and her husband own a 27 acre ranch that they open up to two families a month who are needing help. They have a main house which is where we ate all our meals except breakfast. They milk a goat, have laying hens, have a garden, and live about 50 feet from the Colorado River. It's a beautiful, relaxing location....which is needed. Most definitely.
While there they give the children simple jobs...ours had to wash the cabinets, the stove front, the dishwasher front. Nothing hard at all. They want to teach them to do jobs fast and snappy and right the first time. When the child is finished doing the job, he/she is to strong sit (which I touched on yesterday) for about 30 seconds until the parent can check the job. If done correctly, they are met with great pizzazz. Jumping up and down. Big hug. Kisses. Loud hallelujahs. If the job is not done correctly, they are given the rag and encouraged to do their job very carefully. Then the strong sitting....and on and on until the job is done right.
We were told to sit and observe so we could see how to best deal with the situations that may arise. That was difficult. Having strangers taking care of our children when we were sitting right there?! Wow.
They teach the children how to sit on rugs to play, teaching them boundaries. When on the rug they must be quiet and keep the toys on the rug. Legos, blocks, etc. are some of the toys that are highly recommended for the rug. Anything to keep their minds working. Puzzles are also a huge plus. The rug tactic is employed here now. :) Nope the children don't necessarily enjoy it, but it does give me a break now and then. It's quiet. It's keeping them entertained. It's building brain cells. It's a winner.
They also use lots of crawling and jumping on a mini tramp. So we do, too. :) We're such copycats. Each child jumps on the tramp about 25 minutes each day. Something about that helps to get them to focus. The crawling uses both sides of the body and therefore makes both sides of the brain work together. Thus reducing the survival mode and enlarging the logic mode. And just so you know...mini tramps are $34 at Wal-Mart. You're welcome. :)
Meal time manners were a huge issue with them. Chewing with the mouth open? No problem. Pick up their plate and cup and move them to another spot to finish eating. Elbows on the table? Move them to their own table so they can be as sloppy as they care to. Not eating? See you later!! Enjoy eating by yourself. Not done eating when the rest of the family is? Not a big deal. Chickens need food too. That was hard for me as well. Just sitting there not correcting over and over and over for the same thing at every meal? Who'da thunk that it was as simple as moving them somewhere else to finish up?! And believe me when I say that it does make meal time much less stressful. Or maybe we're the only ones who remind and remind and remind to chew with the mouth closed. I don't like moving them, but they are learning to pay attention...as they don't really like to be moved either.
Trust is another huge item. We started on day two practicing 'trust falls'. The child stood in front of the dad/mom, crossed his/her arms over chest (opposite hand to opposite shoulder), closed his/her eyes, kept legs perfectly straight, and fell backwards into our arms. That takes trust.
The next day we led them blindfolded through an obstacle course....around a several foot tall fire pit (don't worry, there was no fire), down a stone pathway, around a pile of rocks that was a little tipsy, through a path on hands and knees with hula hoops set up to keep them in the path, across a stump path, up onto a table, up a piece of plywood perched on a tall stump, and finally on to a four foot tall stump that they trust fell off of backwards into our arms. Talk about needing to trust.
Trust is a huge item with attachment issues. The child has had so many times that someone failed them that they learn to not trust anyone.
In a normal week there are two families there together...one week a month as I said. One family would have morning therapy sessions while the other would have afternoon therapy sessions.
It didn't work that way for us. The other family that was there had a child who absolutely refused to talk. She had one seven hour therapy session in which she never said one word. They tried again the next day and she said a few things but then shut down and never said another word for several hours. The therapy didn't work for her. She was a very tough case.
If you need another prayer item to put on your list....add Brittany and her parents. She headed from the ranch to a residential care home where she will live for the next few months and hopefully receive what she needs to get on the path to being a strong, healthy child. It was very hard to watch.
Anyway.
Our week consisted of a morning session and then most afternoons we would have another session. Will and Addie both received a lot of therapy, for which we were so thankful. We also received several therapy sessions. Many times dealing with a problem child works to drive a wedge between the parents. I 'll have to admit that had we gone to the ranch several months ago they would've found a large wedge. Will was getting quite good at triangulating Jason and I against each other. Doing something around here during the day...racing to the pickup to tell Jason something different the minute the pick up was parked in the evening. It's crazy how it was working.
We finally got our heads together and figured out what was happening, but I'm a little embarrassed to admit just how long it took us.
Anyway. Therapy lasted 4-5 hours each day. Some days a lot longer.
During our down time we were told to just relax and unwind. My mom went with us and often took the children to the river to play while Jason and I napped. Or talked. Or read. Or did anything to just give our brains a nice break. It was rather stressful and extremely exhausting.
The last day we had a forgiveness session. Each of us went around to the other members of the family and told them what we had done and asked for forgiveness. Some of the things the children said I had long since forgotten, but it was clear that they had not and needed to get it off their chests.
Forgiveness session over we all were given a piece of paper to write down all the stuff that we wanted to leave there. Baggage. Things that we had no desire to bring home with us. Will drew pictures of things that he wanted to forget and leave behind while the rest of us wrote. And wrote. Then we headed into the house to throw our lists into the fire....never to be brought back again. It was quite the experience. One that I think we could employ here in our home. Starting with the forgiveness.
We ate one last meal with them, snapped some group pictures, and headed for the airport.
Miss Judy and her son.
Us with Miss Nancy and Mr. James.
And us with Mr. Brandon, the summer ranch hand.
Mr. Brandon has an incredible story. Incredible. He was diagnosed as severely autistic at the age of two. His mom has scars on her thumb where he tried to bite it off. Doctors recommended that he be placed in an institution as he was out of control. I don't know for sure what happened. His family all came to Christ as a result of his sickness and he was healed. Today he is a fine young man just ready to start college. He's going to school to become a music composer and teacher. He sent us home with one of his cd's...music that he composed and his sister sang along as he played the piano.
Incredible.
So that was that. We caught our flight out of Denver about 7:10, landed at our airport about 12:30AM, and arrived home about 2:00AM. Big day. Tired family.
Getting back to real life was a struggle....especially when mom and dad start employing some new tactics. :) Keeps life interesting.
I honestly don't know the name of the ranch. I don't know the name of the program.
How's that for helpful?!
The name of the lady who runs the ranch is Nancy Thomas. We used her "Taming the Tiger While It's a Kitten" program with Addie back 3 1/2 years ago (used for small children who are out of control). We loved it. It totally transformed our little lady, though we're doing some of it all over again this week! Her therapy sessions brought out some past hurts that are now being dealt with.
Yes. It's been a VERY pleasant week. Especially if you're fond of screeching and hollering. And children flopping on the floor declaring that nobody likes them.
Nancy Thomas is not a therapist. She employs a therapist by the name of James Dumesnil. I think. And a lady by the name of Judy, who is a retired detective and is the cook and child job enforcer. Our children were a little scared of her at first as she can be rather intimidating, but by the end of the week they loved her!
You can find some information about her and what she does at www.attachment.org.
Nancy and her husband own a 27 acre ranch that they open up to two families a month who are needing help. They have a main house which is where we ate all our meals except breakfast. They milk a goat, have laying hens, have a garden, and live about 50 feet from the Colorado River. It's a beautiful, relaxing location....which is needed. Most definitely.
While there they give the children simple jobs...ours had to wash the cabinets, the stove front, the dishwasher front. Nothing hard at all. They want to teach them to do jobs fast and snappy and right the first time. When the child is finished doing the job, he/she is to strong sit (which I touched on yesterday) for about 30 seconds until the parent can check the job. If done correctly, they are met with great pizzazz. Jumping up and down. Big hug. Kisses. Loud hallelujahs. If the job is not done correctly, they are given the rag and encouraged to do their job very carefully. Then the strong sitting....and on and on until the job is done right.
We were told to sit and observe so we could see how to best deal with the situations that may arise. That was difficult. Having strangers taking care of our children when we were sitting right there?! Wow.
They teach the children how to sit on rugs to play, teaching them boundaries. When on the rug they must be quiet and keep the toys on the rug. Legos, blocks, etc. are some of the toys that are highly recommended for the rug. Anything to keep their minds working. Puzzles are also a huge plus. The rug tactic is employed here now. :) Nope the children don't necessarily enjoy it, but it does give me a break now and then. It's quiet. It's keeping them entertained. It's building brain cells. It's a winner.
They also use lots of crawling and jumping on a mini tramp. So we do, too. :) We're such copycats. Each child jumps on the tramp about 25 minutes each day. Something about that helps to get them to focus. The crawling uses both sides of the body and therefore makes both sides of the brain work together. Thus reducing the survival mode and enlarging the logic mode. And just so you know...mini tramps are $34 at Wal-Mart. You're welcome. :)
Meal time manners were a huge issue with them. Chewing with the mouth open? No problem. Pick up their plate and cup and move them to another spot to finish eating. Elbows on the table? Move them to their own table so they can be as sloppy as they care to. Not eating? See you later!! Enjoy eating by yourself. Not done eating when the rest of the family is? Not a big deal. Chickens need food too. That was hard for me as well. Just sitting there not correcting over and over and over for the same thing at every meal? Who'da thunk that it was as simple as moving them somewhere else to finish up?! And believe me when I say that it does make meal time much less stressful. Or maybe we're the only ones who remind and remind and remind to chew with the mouth closed. I don't like moving them, but they are learning to pay attention...as they don't really like to be moved either.
Trust is another huge item. We started on day two practicing 'trust falls'. The child stood in front of the dad/mom, crossed his/her arms over chest (opposite hand to opposite shoulder), closed his/her eyes, kept legs perfectly straight, and fell backwards into our arms. That takes trust.
The next day we led them blindfolded through an obstacle course....around a several foot tall fire pit (don't worry, there was no fire), down a stone pathway, around a pile of rocks that was a little tipsy, through a path on hands and knees with hula hoops set up to keep them in the path, across a stump path, up onto a table, up a piece of plywood perched on a tall stump, and finally on to a four foot tall stump that they trust fell off of backwards into our arms. Talk about needing to trust.
Trust is a huge item with attachment issues. The child has had so many times that someone failed them that they learn to not trust anyone.
In a normal week there are two families there together...one week a month as I said. One family would have morning therapy sessions while the other would have afternoon therapy sessions.
It didn't work that way for us. The other family that was there had a child who absolutely refused to talk. She had one seven hour therapy session in which she never said one word. They tried again the next day and she said a few things but then shut down and never said another word for several hours. The therapy didn't work for her. She was a very tough case.
If you need another prayer item to put on your list....add Brittany and her parents. She headed from the ranch to a residential care home where she will live for the next few months and hopefully receive what she needs to get on the path to being a strong, healthy child. It was very hard to watch.
Anyway.
Our week consisted of a morning session and then most afternoons we would have another session. Will and Addie both received a lot of therapy, for which we were so thankful. We also received several therapy sessions. Many times dealing with a problem child works to drive a wedge between the parents. I 'll have to admit that had we gone to the ranch several months ago they would've found a large wedge. Will was getting quite good at triangulating Jason and I against each other. Doing something around here during the day...racing to the pickup to tell Jason something different the minute the pick up was parked in the evening. It's crazy how it was working.
We finally got our heads together and figured out what was happening, but I'm a little embarrassed to admit just how long it took us.
Anyway. Therapy lasted 4-5 hours each day. Some days a lot longer.
During our down time we were told to just relax and unwind. My mom went with us and often took the children to the river to play while Jason and I napped. Or talked. Or read. Or did anything to just give our brains a nice break. It was rather stressful and extremely exhausting.
The last day we had a forgiveness session. Each of us went around to the other members of the family and told them what we had done and asked for forgiveness. Some of the things the children said I had long since forgotten, but it was clear that they had not and needed to get it off their chests.
Forgiveness session over we all were given a piece of paper to write down all the stuff that we wanted to leave there. Baggage. Things that we had no desire to bring home with us. Will drew pictures of things that he wanted to forget and leave behind while the rest of us wrote. And wrote. Then we headed into the house to throw our lists into the fire....never to be brought back again. It was quite the experience. One that I think we could employ here in our home. Starting with the forgiveness.
We ate one last meal with them, snapped some group pictures, and headed for the airport.
Mr. Brandon has an incredible story. Incredible. He was diagnosed as severely autistic at the age of two. His mom has scars on her thumb where he tried to bite it off. Doctors recommended that he be placed in an institution as he was out of control. I don't know for sure what happened. His family all came to Christ as a result of his sickness and he was healed. Today he is a fine young man just ready to start college. He's going to school to become a music composer and teacher. He sent us home with one of his cd's...music that he composed and his sister sang along as he played the piano.
Incredible.
So that was that. We caught our flight out of Denver about 7:10, landed at our airport about 12:30AM, and arrived home about 2:00AM. Big day. Tired family.
Getting back to real life was a struggle....especially when mom and dad start employing some new tactics. :) Keeps life interesting.
Monday, July 2, 2012
W.A.L.T.E.R and More
Let me start this off by saying that I am NOT a parenting expert. Not one little stitch. Most nights I go to bed and lie there thinking about our day, beating myself up for the bad ways that I handled this or that. Some days I go to bed thinking that if it weren't for all my mess-ups perhaps we wouldn't have so many issues around here. But then I remind myself that that is precisely what the devil wants me to think.
No that reminder doesn't make it any easier, but it does make me remember that I am human. We will make mistakes. The key, if I can just remember, is to ask the children for forgiveness when the mistakes are made. They need to know that I am not perfect and I don't expect them to be perfect either. They need to feel accepted no matter what.
So. We've established that major point. I. Am. Not. A. Parenting. Expert.
Now we'll move on to Walter. I was amazed at how many e-mails I received asking how to deal with that Walter stuff. Why ask me? :) It hit us like a ton of bricks. Sure, we knew that we were employing those tactics far too often, so it shouldn't have been so enlightening, but it was.
A refresher.
W arning
A rguing
L ecturing
T hreatening
E xcusing (the behavior of the child) and E xcuses (from the child)
R eminding
I really don't know how to deal with all of these. Sorry. All I know is what they told us at the ranch.
The Warning is simply something that we as parents have to train ourselves not to do. Actually they all are. Rather than passing out warnings, go straight to the ticket. Instead of saying 'Make sure you're picking up the sticks as I asked you to do!', say, "Uh-oh! Sit strong til you're ready to do the job you were assigned!' Don't tell them what the job was. They know. When they've sat strong for about 30 seconds, grab them in a bear hug, tell them how proud of them you are for sitting strong, hold their hands while asking them what happened, grab them in another bear hug and commend them for telling the truth (never say thank you for telling the truth as that is expected...just say good job telling the truth), and send them on to do their job again. Again, just passing on exactly what they told us....none of this is original to me.
If you know me very well at all, you would know that I am NOT a huggy person. I like my space and this method of many, many hugs all day long is stretching me to the max. But the children LOVE it. Why didn't I do this before?!
The Arguing is something that both our children are really good at. If there was a medal for it, one of them would have certainly won it. :/ We knew it wasn't acceptable, but how in the world do you get it to stop? Good question. One that we asked during at least one of our therapy sessions. They told us that it was simple. :) We were so glad, but found out that it wasn't as simple as they claimed. Just have the child give themselves a 'mouth hug'. In other words, cover their mouth with their hand for several minutes. When the time is up and the mouth hug was done correctly...without whining or fit throwing (as ours do and we have to tack on some extra time) scoop them up in a big ole bear hug and commend them for the spectacular mouth hug!! Then ask what happened, commend them for telling the truth, and scoop them up in yet another hug!! Yep, more hugging.
The mouth hug is also used for interrupting, talking back, disrespect, unnecessary chatter, etc.
Oh, and to slip something in here that is huge for us. They never use the words punishment or consequence. Both of those have a negative connotation. Instead, they use the word 'restitution'. If your little Johnny smacks his sister across the head, he has to do something kind for her....make her bed the next morning, pick up her plate after the meal, give her a head rub, give her a back rub, etc. Try to make the child think of the restitution so they are using their brain rather than using your brain. The same happens if they talk back to you, are disrespectful, etc. They give you the backrub. Ahhhhh. Can't say as I mind that!!
Then we come to the Lecturing. Bad subject for me. Sad but true, I am a super lecturer. I would win the medal on that one. It's not uncommon for me to...or should I say 'it wasn't uncommon' ;)...lecture and lecture and lecture. Often the children's eyes would glaze over and when I got my frustration out and asked them what I said? Not one clue. They had moved on to what they had planned when Mommy was done with the lecture. You know the one. "I told you to pick up the toys and what did I find you doing? Playing. That's right. I don't know why you can't listen the first time. Why don't you pay attention to your job? Oh this upsets me. Pick up those toys and get it done NOW. What did I just tell you?" And they look at me and finally say, "Um. Well. Um. I don't know. Did you say to pick up the toys?" And I go off again on the value of listening and paying attention when someone is talking to them. Yep. (And yet, I find that I am the one who has taught them to not pay attention to the person who is talking to them. How often do they come to tell me something that is so important to them and I don't take the time to look into their eyes while they're talking. In fact, my back may be completely turned as fixing supper is so much more important than hearing about the bird nest that they just found on the ground.)
Why am I the lucky winner on airing all the bad stuff from our house. And here you all thought we were perfect. :) If you have a blog, could you please air your dirty laundry on it so I don't feel so alone?!
Back to the Lecturing. We were told, in short simple phrases, to keep things short and simple. Yep. It's just that easy. :) Skip the lecture. Use simple phrases like, "What were you asked to do?" "Where are you supposed to be?" That throws it right back at the child, they have to use their brains to remember what they were asked to do, and we can keep our cool and still have smiling mouths and eyes.
Just that simple. Unless you're me and struggle with that simple stuff. :/
I think I'll stop there for now on W.A.L.T.E.R. He is one large man and quite frankly? My brain is on overload.
I'll touch just a little bit on the sitting strong. It's not intended to be used as a punishment. It's just what it says. Getting strong. They stress big-time the weak versus strong children. Weak children need a little help to stop throwing the fits, having scream fests, flopping on the floor for hours because they were asked to pick up toys (here you go, peeking into our house again). If any of that happens, escort them kindly and gently (with smiling lips AND eyes) to their 'get strong spot'. At our house we have three rugs in three different rooms, one for each child. They know the color of their rug. They find it, and sit indian style on it, while folding their hands in a certain way in front of them. I really don't know how to explain the hands. Cross them over in front of you with palms together and hands folded, then flip them towards you so the fingers are right under the chin. Another way to do it is put opposite hand on opposite shoulder, forming an x in front of your chest. Don't make a big deal of it. I have a child right now who has been flopping around on his rug for nearly two hours...all because he doesn't want to sit strong. :) I tell him occasionally that I'm glad he's taking his time as that way I know he's good and strong when he finally decides to do it. Once they finally do decide to sit strong, only make them do it for about 30 seconds. When they get to the point that it is no big deal, then you know that they are truly feeling strong again.
A little example of how to sit strong that I snapped last week...
And just so you know. Our children are definitely classified as weak. Though they are getting stronger every single day!!!! When dealing with a child who has a larger survival mode than logic mode, they are naturally going to be weaker at making wise choices. The sitting strong while crossing arms and legs actually makes both sides of the brain function together and therefore helps build the good parts of the brain while shrinking the survival parts.
Yes. This all takes a ton of time. Which is precisely why you may not see me out and about for a little while. Building strong children is a huge task, but so essential to having a functional family.
If you care to read more in depth and glean some more ideas on logical, fun ways to build strong children, check out the book, "When Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas. I can see eyebrows raising even as I type. Sadly, sometimes just loving a child is simply not enough to help them heal. It sounds good. But we tried it for four years and love alone didn't pull us through our struggles. We LOVE our children. Most definitely. But it takes more than that for hurt children to understand that we REALLY DO love them. We really will never abandon them as they were abandoned (or feel like they were abandoned) by their birth parents. Not all adopted children deal with this stuff. It depends a lot on personality and how they view their birth parents.
In fact, this stuff isn't limited to adopted children at all. There are many, many 'home-made' children who have the exact same issues. Believe it or not.
And now I must go. This has dragged on long enough and likely there's only two, or maybe one, person who will actually read it through to the end. :) If our therapy can help one person out there, it was worth my time to type this up.
Blessings to you all!!
No that reminder doesn't make it any easier, but it does make me remember that I am human. We will make mistakes. The key, if I can just remember, is to ask the children for forgiveness when the mistakes are made. They need to know that I am not perfect and I don't expect them to be perfect either. They need to feel accepted no matter what.
So. We've established that major point. I. Am. Not. A. Parenting. Expert.
Now we'll move on to Walter. I was amazed at how many e-mails I received asking how to deal with that Walter stuff. Why ask me? :) It hit us like a ton of bricks. Sure, we knew that we were employing those tactics far too often, so it shouldn't have been so enlightening, but it was.
A refresher.
W arning
A rguing
L ecturing
T hreatening
E xcusing (the behavior of the child) and E xcuses (from the child)
R eminding
I really don't know how to deal with all of these. Sorry. All I know is what they told us at the ranch.
The Warning is simply something that we as parents have to train ourselves not to do. Actually they all are. Rather than passing out warnings, go straight to the ticket. Instead of saying 'Make sure you're picking up the sticks as I asked you to do!', say, "Uh-oh! Sit strong til you're ready to do the job you were assigned!' Don't tell them what the job was. They know. When they've sat strong for about 30 seconds, grab them in a bear hug, tell them how proud of them you are for sitting strong, hold their hands while asking them what happened, grab them in another bear hug and commend them for telling the truth (never say thank you for telling the truth as that is expected...just say good job telling the truth), and send them on to do their job again. Again, just passing on exactly what they told us....none of this is original to me.
If you know me very well at all, you would know that I am NOT a huggy person. I like my space and this method of many, many hugs all day long is stretching me to the max. But the children LOVE it. Why didn't I do this before?!
The Arguing is something that both our children are really good at. If there was a medal for it, one of them would have certainly won it. :/ We knew it wasn't acceptable, but how in the world do you get it to stop? Good question. One that we asked during at least one of our therapy sessions. They told us that it was simple. :) We were so glad, but found out that it wasn't as simple as they claimed. Just have the child give themselves a 'mouth hug'. In other words, cover their mouth with their hand for several minutes. When the time is up and the mouth hug was done correctly...without whining or fit throwing (as ours do and we have to tack on some extra time) scoop them up in a big ole bear hug and commend them for the spectacular mouth hug!! Then ask what happened, commend them for telling the truth, and scoop them up in yet another hug!! Yep, more hugging.
The mouth hug is also used for interrupting, talking back, disrespect, unnecessary chatter, etc.
Oh, and to slip something in here that is huge for us. They never use the words punishment or consequence. Both of those have a negative connotation. Instead, they use the word 'restitution'. If your little Johnny smacks his sister across the head, he has to do something kind for her....make her bed the next morning, pick up her plate after the meal, give her a head rub, give her a back rub, etc. Try to make the child think of the restitution so they are using their brain rather than using your brain. The same happens if they talk back to you, are disrespectful, etc. They give you the backrub. Ahhhhh. Can't say as I mind that!!
Then we come to the Lecturing. Bad subject for me. Sad but true, I am a super lecturer. I would win the medal on that one. It's not uncommon for me to...or should I say 'it wasn't uncommon' ;)...lecture and lecture and lecture. Often the children's eyes would glaze over and when I got my frustration out and asked them what I said? Not one clue. They had moved on to what they had planned when Mommy was done with the lecture. You know the one. "I told you to pick up the toys and what did I find you doing? Playing. That's right. I don't know why you can't listen the first time. Why don't you pay attention to your job? Oh this upsets me. Pick up those toys and get it done NOW. What did I just tell you?" And they look at me and finally say, "Um. Well. Um. I don't know. Did you say to pick up the toys?" And I go off again on the value of listening and paying attention when someone is talking to them. Yep. (And yet, I find that I am the one who has taught them to not pay attention to the person who is talking to them. How often do they come to tell me something that is so important to them and I don't take the time to look into their eyes while they're talking. In fact, my back may be completely turned as fixing supper is so much more important than hearing about the bird nest that they just found on the ground.)
Why am I the lucky winner on airing all the bad stuff from our house. And here you all thought we were perfect. :) If you have a blog, could you please air your dirty laundry on it so I don't feel so alone?!
Back to the Lecturing. We were told, in short simple phrases, to keep things short and simple. Yep. It's just that easy. :) Skip the lecture. Use simple phrases like, "What were you asked to do?" "Where are you supposed to be?" That throws it right back at the child, they have to use their brains to remember what they were asked to do, and we can keep our cool and still have smiling mouths and eyes.
Just that simple. Unless you're me and struggle with that simple stuff. :/
I think I'll stop there for now on W.A.L.T.E.R. He is one large man and quite frankly? My brain is on overload.
I'll touch just a little bit on the sitting strong. It's not intended to be used as a punishment. It's just what it says. Getting strong. They stress big-time the weak versus strong children. Weak children need a little help to stop throwing the fits, having scream fests, flopping on the floor for hours because they were asked to pick up toys (here you go, peeking into our house again). If any of that happens, escort them kindly and gently (with smiling lips AND eyes) to their 'get strong spot'. At our house we have three rugs in three different rooms, one for each child. They know the color of their rug. They find it, and sit indian style on it, while folding their hands in a certain way in front of them. I really don't know how to explain the hands. Cross them over in front of you with palms together and hands folded, then flip them towards you so the fingers are right under the chin. Another way to do it is put opposite hand on opposite shoulder, forming an x in front of your chest. Don't make a big deal of it. I have a child right now who has been flopping around on his rug for nearly two hours...all because he doesn't want to sit strong. :) I tell him occasionally that I'm glad he's taking his time as that way I know he's good and strong when he finally decides to do it. Once they finally do decide to sit strong, only make them do it for about 30 seconds. When they get to the point that it is no big deal, then you know that they are truly feeling strong again.
A little example of how to sit strong that I snapped last week...
And just so you know. Our children are definitely classified as weak. Though they are getting stronger every single day!!!! When dealing with a child who has a larger survival mode than logic mode, they are naturally going to be weaker at making wise choices. The sitting strong while crossing arms and legs actually makes both sides of the brain function together and therefore helps build the good parts of the brain while shrinking the survival parts.
Yes. This all takes a ton of time. Which is precisely why you may not see me out and about for a little while. Building strong children is a huge task, but so essential to having a functional family.
If you care to read more in depth and glean some more ideas on logical, fun ways to build strong children, check out the book, "When Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas. I can see eyebrows raising even as I type. Sadly, sometimes just loving a child is simply not enough to help them heal. It sounds good. But we tried it for four years and love alone didn't pull us through our struggles. We LOVE our children. Most definitely. But it takes more than that for hurt children to understand that we REALLY DO love them. We really will never abandon them as they were abandoned (or feel like they were abandoned) by their birth parents. Not all adopted children deal with this stuff. It depends a lot on personality and how they view their birth parents.
In fact, this stuff isn't limited to adopted children at all. There are many, many 'home-made' children who have the exact same issues. Believe it or not.
And now I must go. This has dragged on long enough and likely there's only two, or maybe one, person who will actually read it through to the end. :) If our therapy can help one person out there, it was worth my time to type this up.
Blessings to you all!!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Our Week & What Happens Now
What a week. Oh, what a week. Insightful. Far from relaxing.
Always before when we went to Colorado it was so relaxing. Calm. Peaceful.
This week had moments like that. For sure. Our guest house was about 50 feet from the Colorado River and if we left a window open at night we could hear it rushing past. That part was calming. So were the river swims. Chilly but relaxing.
Meal time was relaxing, I guess. We ate with everyone at the ranch and I didn't have to cook. That was relaxing. The folks in charge took care of our children during the meals. That was relaxing.
We had an opportunity or two each day to just spend time together as a couple. That was relaxing. Not sure our children liked that as they were typically doing jobs during that time, but we sure did enjoy it!
Yep. I know that I resemble a whale.
But the reason we really went for? The several hours at a time therapy sessions? That was not relaxing.
We did learn A LOT. Not just about ourselves, but also about our children. I had no clue that there was so much stuff bottled up inside them. NO CLUE. I had no clue that a five and seven year old could have so many bad memories from such early ages. NO CLUE. I don't remember anything from before I was 4 or so. They remember nearly everything. With no prompting from anyone. They just talked and talked and talked. And cried and cried and cried.
It was a wonderful week. We were trained on how to better understand children who came from a traumatic background. Trained on how to better deal with daily issues that crop up. Trained on what to do in different situations.
I'm not going to go into detail. It was hard for each of the children to open up at first and I really don't think it's anyone else's business as to what is happening in their little brains. And hearts. And everything.
So what happens now?
Good question.
I wish I knew. :)
Do you remember when we did the carrying thing with Addie? Many of you may not. She was a three year old terror operating at the level of about 18 months. At the oldest. For twelve long weeks she sat in an Ergo in front of me, facing me, for 8-12 hours a day. She bit. She kicked. She screamed. She clawed. She spit.
And she ultimately learned that we were going to love her no. matter. what. About week 9 the biting, spitting, hitting, kicking, and whatnot stopped...and she told us that she was now a big girl. And she was. Something in her little mind flipped a switch and she became a three year old little girl. Sure, a three year old little girl who needed lots of learning, but still a three year old little girl.
During that time I and the children went nowhere. I could count on one hand the number of times we went to church. We had no company. I didn't go to town at all. My mom did it for me. It was a very looonnnngggg twelve weeks, but it was worth it.
No. I'm not going to be carrying Will in a pouch. Or Addie. Or Jack. My 'pouch' happens to be quite full at the moment. :)
I will be staying home. A lot. Most of the time. That means no church. No town. No visitors unless they breeze in and breeze back out.
We will be sticking close to home and doing lots of therapeutic holding time. Lots of cuddling as a family. Lots of hugs. Lots of kisses. Lots of pizzazz over everything....to build them up and get the notion that they are bad (because of feelings of rejection left from being abandoned by birth moms)shoved right out the door.
And what happens when the baby comes in five short weeks? Or earlier? Or later? We still stick close to home. We still do lots of cuddling. We still may not be able to go to church. I still may not be going to town. Life is looking different that I thought it would when this baby arrived. :)
What did we learn?
Where do I start?
The first thing we learned was not to dance with Walter. He's a not cool person. Not cool at all.
W arning
A rguing
L ecture
T hreaten
E xcuses
R eminder
Walter in person. Perhaps none of you out there have a problem with dancing with Walter, but we found that some of those things happen an awful lot at our house. Lecturing? Allowing arguing? Listening to escuses? Handing out warnings? Reminding frequently?
Oh yes. Sadly, I've found that it's pretty easy to pass out warnings right and left. It's pretty easy to remind and remind and remind...when the child knows good and well what he/she is to be doing. It's pretty easy to ramble on and on and on when a simple statement would be sufficient.
So we don't want to dance with Walter.
We learned that children with traumatic backgrounds have brains that are set up a little different than children with a peaceful happy background. Every brain has a survival mode. Every brain has a logic thinking mode. A child with trauma in the background has a survival mode that is twice as large as a child with a 'normal' background. A child with a 'normal' background has a logic mode that is twice the size of the survival mode.
So what does that mean? Our children all have survival mode as the default setting. All three of them have had traumatic starts. How traumatic do you think it would be to be born to someone, have that someone leave you at an orphanage, be cared for by multiple people, and finally be taken home by some strangers who claim to love you and tell you that they will never leave you. Trauma.
That means that all three of our children have survival mode as the default setting. They face a situation and automatically try to figure out how to survive it rather than think it through with logic. Addie worked through a lot of that when we carried her several years ago, but Will is just now dealing with it.
Our job is to train them to use the logic part more than the survival part so the logic part grows and the survival part shrinks.
Yeah. Makes me tired too.
They gave us different techniques to employ and warned us that the first two weeks home will be the most difficult. Thank you.
The next five months will be focused on helping Will work through his struggles and teaching him how to best handle them. About one month for every year of age.
At the same time we'll be working with Addie on the same things, working with Jack on the same things, and caring for a new baby. :) Yep. I'm tired.
And that's something else we learned. You know when someone has a new baby and everyone wants to come visit? Great! You know how some folks bring a gift for the baby? Fine! You know how the rest of the children tend to be ignored? Not great. In 'normal' children that isn't such a big deal. In children who have experienced rejection, that can be a big deal. To the point of making the older sibling/s truly hate the baby. Which could cause some problems. A gift for the baby and not for them simply tends to reinforce that they are worth nothing. More rejection.
No, that doesn't sound logical to us. But traumatized children don't deal with situations logically.
So there you have it in a nutshell. I can't remember all that we learned. I can't remember the stuff that I was going to be SURE to put in a blog post. Oh well. Perhaps as I think of it, I can post it then. Perhaps not. I don't foresee sitting in front of the computer happening much in the coming months. We shall see.
Thank you all so much for the prayers!!
Oh. And welcome home us. When I had barely finished typing this post the strong wind whipped through. Not too bad of damage. One door ripped right off it's hinges, two large trees down, one barn door ripped off, and lots of branches and paraphernalia spread all over the property. Yippee. Mom was here and served as watchdog while the children and I scooted to the basement. :) And then this morning a thunderstorm came through. Our bed was full. :)
So very thankful that the damage was minimal. Praise God!!!
Always before when we went to Colorado it was so relaxing. Calm. Peaceful.
This week had moments like that. For sure. Our guest house was about 50 feet from the Colorado River and if we left a window open at night we could hear it rushing past. That part was calming. So were the river swims. Chilly but relaxing.
Meal time was relaxing, I guess. We ate with everyone at the ranch and I didn't have to cook. That was relaxing. The folks in charge took care of our children during the meals. That was relaxing.
We had an opportunity or two each day to just spend time together as a couple. That was relaxing. Not sure our children liked that as they were typically doing jobs during that time, but we sure did enjoy it!
But the reason we really went for? The several hours at a time therapy sessions? That was not relaxing.
We did learn A LOT. Not just about ourselves, but also about our children. I had no clue that there was so much stuff bottled up inside them. NO CLUE. I had no clue that a five and seven year old could have so many bad memories from such early ages. NO CLUE. I don't remember anything from before I was 4 or so. They remember nearly everything. With no prompting from anyone. They just talked and talked and talked. And cried and cried and cried.
It was a wonderful week. We were trained on how to better understand children who came from a traumatic background. Trained on how to better deal with daily issues that crop up. Trained on what to do in different situations.
I'm not going to go into detail. It was hard for each of the children to open up at first and I really don't think it's anyone else's business as to what is happening in their little brains. And hearts. And everything.
So what happens now?
Good question.
I wish I knew. :)
Do you remember when we did the carrying thing with Addie? Many of you may not. She was a three year old terror operating at the level of about 18 months. At the oldest. For twelve long weeks she sat in an Ergo in front of me, facing me, for 8-12 hours a day. She bit. She kicked. She screamed. She clawed. She spit.
And she ultimately learned that we were going to love her no. matter. what. About week 9 the biting, spitting, hitting, kicking, and whatnot stopped...and she told us that she was now a big girl. And she was. Something in her little mind flipped a switch and she became a three year old little girl. Sure, a three year old little girl who needed lots of learning, but still a three year old little girl.
During that time I and the children went nowhere. I could count on one hand the number of times we went to church. We had no company. I didn't go to town at all. My mom did it for me. It was a very looonnnngggg twelve weeks, but it was worth it.
No. I'm not going to be carrying Will in a pouch. Or Addie. Or Jack. My 'pouch' happens to be quite full at the moment. :)
I will be staying home. A lot. Most of the time. That means no church. No town. No visitors unless they breeze in and breeze back out.
We will be sticking close to home and doing lots of therapeutic holding time. Lots of cuddling as a family. Lots of hugs. Lots of kisses. Lots of pizzazz over everything....to build them up and get the notion that they are bad (because of feelings of rejection left from being abandoned by birth moms)shoved right out the door.
And what happens when the baby comes in five short weeks? Or earlier? Or later? We still stick close to home. We still do lots of cuddling. We still may not be able to go to church. I still may not be going to town. Life is looking different that I thought it would when this baby arrived. :)
What did we learn?
Where do I start?
The first thing we learned was not to dance with Walter. He's a not cool person. Not cool at all.
W arning
A rguing
L ecture
T hreaten
E xcuses
R eminder
Walter in person. Perhaps none of you out there have a problem with dancing with Walter, but we found that some of those things happen an awful lot at our house. Lecturing? Allowing arguing? Listening to escuses? Handing out warnings? Reminding frequently?
Oh yes. Sadly, I've found that it's pretty easy to pass out warnings right and left. It's pretty easy to remind and remind and remind...when the child knows good and well what he/she is to be doing. It's pretty easy to ramble on and on and on when a simple statement would be sufficient.
So we don't want to dance with Walter.
We learned that children with traumatic backgrounds have brains that are set up a little different than children with a peaceful happy background. Every brain has a survival mode. Every brain has a logic thinking mode. A child with trauma in the background has a survival mode that is twice as large as a child with a 'normal' background. A child with a 'normal' background has a logic mode that is twice the size of the survival mode.
So what does that mean? Our children all have survival mode as the default setting. All three of them have had traumatic starts. How traumatic do you think it would be to be born to someone, have that someone leave you at an orphanage, be cared for by multiple people, and finally be taken home by some strangers who claim to love you and tell you that they will never leave you. Trauma.
That means that all three of our children have survival mode as the default setting. They face a situation and automatically try to figure out how to survive it rather than think it through with logic. Addie worked through a lot of that when we carried her several years ago, but Will is just now dealing with it.
Our job is to train them to use the logic part more than the survival part so the logic part grows and the survival part shrinks.
Yeah. Makes me tired too.
They gave us different techniques to employ and warned us that the first two weeks home will be the most difficult. Thank you.
The next five months will be focused on helping Will work through his struggles and teaching him how to best handle them. About one month for every year of age.
At the same time we'll be working with Addie on the same things, working with Jack on the same things, and caring for a new baby. :) Yep. I'm tired.
And that's something else we learned. You know when someone has a new baby and everyone wants to come visit? Great! You know how some folks bring a gift for the baby? Fine! You know how the rest of the children tend to be ignored? Not great. In 'normal' children that isn't such a big deal. In children who have experienced rejection, that can be a big deal. To the point of making the older sibling/s truly hate the baby. Which could cause some problems. A gift for the baby and not for them simply tends to reinforce that they are worth nothing. More rejection.
No, that doesn't sound logical to us. But traumatized children don't deal with situations logically.
So there you have it in a nutshell. I can't remember all that we learned. I can't remember the stuff that I was going to be SURE to put in a blog post. Oh well. Perhaps as I think of it, I can post it then. Perhaps not. I don't foresee sitting in front of the computer happening much in the coming months. We shall see.
Thank you all so much for the prayers!!
Oh. And welcome home us. When I had barely finished typing this post the strong wind whipped through. Not too bad of damage. One door ripped right off it's hinges, two large trees down, one barn door ripped off, and lots of branches and paraphernalia spread all over the property. Yippee. Mom was here and served as watchdog while the children and I scooted to the basement. :) And then this morning a thunderstorm came through. Our bed was full. :)
So very thankful that the damage was minimal. Praise God!!!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Prayers Appreciated
Oh my. Life does throw some curve balls.
Today at noon we found out that there is an opening for a week long intensive therapy available.
Starting yesterday.
In Colorado.
SO.
We leave tomorrow for one week in Colorado.
Not for a pleasure trip.
There will be therapy sessions much of every day.
Does not sound fun.
Does sound needful.
Prayers would be appreciated.
It's truly a miracle.
This kind of thing you usually get put on a waiting list that takes several months to get to the top.
We are getting in one day after I called.
Miracle.
Much needed.
Blessings on your week!
Today at noon we found out that there is an opening for a week long intensive therapy available.
Starting yesterday.
In Colorado.
SO.
We leave tomorrow for one week in Colorado.
Not for a pleasure trip.
There will be therapy sessions much of every day.
Does not sound fun.
Does sound needful.
Prayers would be appreciated.
It's truly a miracle.
This kind of thing you usually get put on a waiting list that takes several months to get to the top.
We are getting in one day after I called.
Miracle.
Much needed.
Blessings on your week!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Life Goes On
Oh my. It's been ages since I've sat at the computer with the goal of typing a blog post. I've sat at the computer all right.
I've researched various pregnancy topics.
I've checked out various sheep/lamb issues.
I've read a few (very few) blogs.
I've googled different things to the point that I think I should be part owner of google.
And I've read and read and read on attachment issues.
Honestly? That last one is the one that has been taking the most time. I'm weary. I wonder if this is all worth it. I feel like giving up.
But then I think of the precious soul of our child. And I think of the havoc that could happen if we just give up. And I cry. And I pray. And I call therapists to find out how quickly we can get in to see them. We'll drive anywhere at this point. If we found out that an attachment therapist in Alaska had an opening on Friday, we'd pack our bags and hit the road yet tonight. Maybe we'd even skip packing the bags in order to get there sooner. Surely there'd be Wal-Mart's along the way that we could purchase necessary items.
Yes. It is getting that serious. I'm not sure if he is the one that is getting worse, or if I am reaching my breaking point. I honestly wonder if I'm the one who needs the therapy.
All I know is that something has to happen. And soon.
My biggest concern right now is for our other two children. Okay, make that three. :) Addie and Jack are both a little scared of Will, and it's creating a family environment that simply is not fun. My stress levels certainly cannot be good for the little shaver growing in my tummy.
It's time to get some serious help. I wish I could spill it all right here and right now, but I don't know that he needs everybody and their brother knowing all the nitty gritty details. Just know that any and all prayers will be much appreciated.
We truly thought that things were improving. Truly. For several days the lying was gone, the happy face was on, the grouching and tantrums were nearly disposed of, the other two children were back to their normal carefree selves.....
And then he started back in more than ever. Around other folks he puts on a happy face and acts (for the most part) like any other five year old boy. I think that's what makes it the hardest. When folks say...."What are you talking about? He's just acting like any other five year old boy." Please come live with us for a few days if that is what you believe.
Please, please, please. If you know of someone who is dealing with a child that they claim is a major handful....don't judge them. I'll about guarantee that they are doing the very best they can. It may not appear that way looking on. It may appear that they are too strict, too lenient, too protective. Go for a short walk in their shoes.
I'm not saying that to gain any sympathy. God has placed us on this path for a reason....I just don't have a clue what it is. We don't like it, but we're trying to trust that He will not let us down. That He will carry us through this. That He will allow us to find Will the help that is needed.
------------------
In other news. The pregnancy is going great. I'm large as an elephant. Hot. Tired. And seriously enjoying being pregnant. I love to feel the little shaver kicking around. I love it when he/she has the hic-ups. I love knowing that I'm gaining 30 pounds for a reason. :) Seriously. I cannot complain. While it's not been a bed of roses, I feel like it's been such a privilege to carry a child.
I think I'd rather do paperwork than go through labor and delivery, but I doubt that just filling out forty documents and having them notarized, certified, and apostilled is going to get this child here. :)
------------------
All our sheep have now lambed. There's somewhere around 55 lambs bouncing in our pasture, I think, with one little rejected one cruising around our yard. :) Her name is Missy, and I think she truly believes that she is a dog. The dogs chase a car, barking, Missy bounces along behind, bleating. The dogs drink out of the bucket, Missy does her best to copy. She's cute.
------------------
Gena, our female Great Pyrenees dog, had nine pups over the weekend. Nine. Any takers for them? They'll be ready to go in just eight short weeks!!!
------------------
Other than that? Not much is happening around here. Due to the child situation, I've become a hermit. Plans have been cancelled. We did go camping with a group of friends over the weekend, and are paying the price today. :) Tomorrow morning we have a phone appointment with a therapist and are hoping that sometime in the next couple weeks we can get a sit down session or ten with an attachment therapist.
I'd add some pictures, but have run out of time. Supper should be on the table in two minutes...and I have barely started it!!
"Talk" to you later!!
I've researched various pregnancy topics.
I've checked out various sheep/lamb issues.
I've read a few (very few) blogs.
I've googled different things to the point that I think I should be part owner of google.
And I've read and read and read on attachment issues.
Honestly? That last one is the one that has been taking the most time. I'm weary. I wonder if this is all worth it. I feel like giving up.
But then I think of the precious soul of our child. And I think of the havoc that could happen if we just give up. And I cry. And I pray. And I call therapists to find out how quickly we can get in to see them. We'll drive anywhere at this point. If we found out that an attachment therapist in Alaska had an opening on Friday, we'd pack our bags and hit the road yet tonight. Maybe we'd even skip packing the bags in order to get there sooner. Surely there'd be Wal-Mart's along the way that we could purchase necessary items.
Yes. It is getting that serious. I'm not sure if he is the one that is getting worse, or if I am reaching my breaking point. I honestly wonder if I'm the one who needs the therapy.
All I know is that something has to happen. And soon.
My biggest concern right now is for our other two children. Okay, make that three. :) Addie and Jack are both a little scared of Will, and it's creating a family environment that simply is not fun. My stress levels certainly cannot be good for the little shaver growing in my tummy.
It's time to get some serious help. I wish I could spill it all right here and right now, but I don't know that he needs everybody and their brother knowing all the nitty gritty details. Just know that any and all prayers will be much appreciated.
We truly thought that things were improving. Truly. For several days the lying was gone, the happy face was on, the grouching and tantrums were nearly disposed of, the other two children were back to their normal carefree selves.....
And then he started back in more than ever. Around other folks he puts on a happy face and acts (for the most part) like any other five year old boy. I think that's what makes it the hardest. When folks say...."What are you talking about? He's just acting like any other five year old boy." Please come live with us for a few days if that is what you believe.
Please, please, please. If you know of someone who is dealing with a child that they claim is a major handful....don't judge them. I'll about guarantee that they are doing the very best they can. It may not appear that way looking on. It may appear that they are too strict, too lenient, too protective. Go for a short walk in their shoes.
I'm not saying that to gain any sympathy. God has placed us on this path for a reason....I just don't have a clue what it is. We don't like it, but we're trying to trust that He will not let us down. That He will carry us through this. That He will allow us to find Will the help that is needed.
------------------
In other news. The pregnancy is going great. I'm large as an elephant. Hot. Tired. And seriously enjoying being pregnant. I love to feel the little shaver kicking around. I love it when he/she has the hic-ups. I love knowing that I'm gaining 30 pounds for a reason. :) Seriously. I cannot complain. While it's not been a bed of roses, I feel like it's been such a privilege to carry a child.
I think I'd rather do paperwork than go through labor and delivery, but I doubt that just filling out forty documents and having them notarized, certified, and apostilled is going to get this child here. :)
------------------
All our sheep have now lambed. There's somewhere around 55 lambs bouncing in our pasture, I think, with one little rejected one cruising around our yard. :) Her name is Missy, and I think she truly believes that she is a dog. The dogs chase a car, barking, Missy bounces along behind, bleating. The dogs drink out of the bucket, Missy does her best to copy. She's cute.
------------------
Gena, our female Great Pyrenees dog, had nine pups over the weekend. Nine. Any takers for them? They'll be ready to go in just eight short weeks!!!
------------------
Other than that? Not much is happening around here. Due to the child situation, I've become a hermit. Plans have been cancelled. We did go camping with a group of friends over the weekend, and are paying the price today. :) Tomorrow morning we have a phone appointment with a therapist and are hoping that sometime in the next couple weeks we can get a sit down session or ten with an attachment therapist.
I'd add some pictures, but have run out of time. Supper should be on the table in two minutes...and I have barely started it!!
"Talk" to you later!!
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