Always before when we went to Colorado it was so relaxing. Calm. Peaceful.
This week had moments like that. For sure. Our guest house was about 50 feet from the Colorado River and if we left a window open at night we could hear it rushing past. That part was calming. So were the river swims. Chilly but relaxing.
Meal time was relaxing, I guess. We ate with everyone at the ranch and I didn't have to cook. That was relaxing. The folks in charge took care of our children during the meals. That was relaxing.
We had an opportunity or two each day to just spend time together as a couple. That was relaxing. Not sure our children liked that as they were typically doing jobs during that time, but we sure did enjoy it!
But the reason we really went for? The several hours at a time therapy sessions? That was not relaxing.
We did learn A LOT. Not just about ourselves, but also about our children. I had no clue that there was so much stuff bottled up inside them. NO CLUE. I had no clue that a five and seven year old could have so many bad memories from such early ages. NO CLUE. I don't remember anything from before I was 4 or so. They remember nearly everything. With no prompting from anyone. They just talked and talked and talked. And cried and cried and cried.
It was a wonderful week. We were trained on how to better understand children who came from a traumatic background. Trained on how to better deal with daily issues that crop up. Trained on what to do in different situations.
I'm not going to go into detail. It was hard for each of the children to open up at first and I really don't think it's anyone else's business as to what is happening in their little brains. And hearts. And everything.
So what happens now?
Good question.
I wish I knew. :)
Do you remember when we did the carrying thing with Addie? Many of you may not. She was a three year old terror operating at the level of about 18 months. At the oldest. For twelve long weeks she sat in an Ergo in front of me, facing me, for 8-12 hours a day. She bit. She kicked. She screamed. She clawed. She spit.
And she ultimately learned that we were going to love her no. matter. what. About week 9 the biting, spitting, hitting, kicking, and whatnot stopped...and she told us that she was now a big girl. And she was. Something in her little mind flipped a switch and she became a three year old little girl. Sure, a three year old little girl who needed lots of learning, but still a three year old little girl.
During that time I and the children went nowhere. I could count on one hand the number of times we went to church. We had no company. I didn't go to town at all. My mom did it for me. It was a very looonnnngggg twelve weeks, but it was worth it.
No. I'm not going to be carrying Will in a pouch. Or Addie. Or Jack. My 'pouch' happens to be quite full at the moment. :)
I will be staying home. A lot. Most of the time. That means no church. No town. No visitors unless they breeze in and breeze back out.
We will be sticking close to home and doing lots of therapeutic holding time. Lots of cuddling as a family. Lots of hugs. Lots of kisses. Lots of pizzazz over everything....to build them up and get the notion that they are bad (because of feelings of rejection left from being abandoned by birth moms)shoved right out the door.
And what happens when the baby comes in five short weeks? Or earlier? Or later? We still stick close to home. We still do lots of cuddling. We still may not be able to go to church. I still may not be going to town. Life is looking different that I thought it would when this baby arrived. :)
What did we learn?
Where do I start?
The first thing we learned was not to dance with Walter. He's a not cool person. Not cool at all.
W arning
A rguing
L ecture
T hreaten
E xcuses
R eminder
Walter in person. Perhaps none of you out there have a problem with dancing with Walter, but we found that some of those things happen an awful lot at our house. Lecturing? Allowing arguing? Listening to escuses? Handing out warnings? Reminding frequently?
Oh yes. Sadly, I've found that it's pretty easy to pass out warnings right and left. It's pretty easy to remind and remind and remind...when the child knows good and well what he/she is to be doing. It's pretty easy to ramble on and on and on when a simple statement would be sufficient.
So we don't want to dance with Walter.
We learned that children with traumatic backgrounds have brains that are set up a little different than children with a peaceful happy background. Every brain has a survival mode. Every brain has a logic thinking mode. A child with trauma in the background has a survival mode that is twice as large as a child with a 'normal' background. A child with a 'normal' background has a logic mode that is twice the size of the survival mode.
So what does that mean? Our children all have survival mode as the default setting. All three of them have had traumatic starts. How traumatic do you think it would be to be born to someone, have that someone leave you at an orphanage, be cared for by multiple people, and finally be taken home by some strangers who claim to love you and tell you that they will never leave you. Trauma.
That means that all three of our children have survival mode as the default setting. They face a situation and automatically try to figure out how to survive it rather than think it through with logic. Addie worked through a lot of that when we carried her several years ago, but Will is just now dealing with it.
Our job is to train them to use the logic part more than the survival part so the logic part grows and the survival part shrinks.
Yeah. Makes me tired too.
They gave us different techniques to employ and warned us that the first two weeks home will be the most difficult. Thank you.
The next five months will be focused on helping Will work through his struggles and teaching him how to best handle them. About one month for every year of age.
At the same time we'll be working with Addie on the same things, working with Jack on the same things, and caring for a new baby. :) Yep. I'm tired.
And that's something else we learned. You know when someone has a new baby and everyone wants to come visit? Great! You know how some folks bring a gift for the baby? Fine! You know how the rest of the children tend to be ignored? Not great. In 'normal' children that isn't such a big deal. In children who have experienced rejection, that can be a big deal. To the point of making the older sibling/s truly hate the baby. Which could cause some problems. A gift for the baby and not for them simply tends to reinforce that they are worth nothing. More rejection.
No, that doesn't sound logical to us. But traumatized children don't deal with situations logically.
So there you have it in a nutshell. I can't remember all that we learned. I can't remember the stuff that I was going to be SURE to put in a blog post. Oh well. Perhaps as I think of it, I can post it then. Perhaps not. I don't foresee sitting in front of the computer happening much in the coming months. We shall see.
Thank you all so much for the prayers!!
Oh. And welcome home us. When I had barely finished typing this post the strong wind whipped through. Not too bad of damage. One door ripped right off it's hinges, two large trees down, one barn door ripped off, and lots of branches and paraphernalia spread all over the property. Yippee. Mom was here and served as watchdog while the children and I scooted to the basement. :) And then this morning a thunderstorm came through. Our bed was full. :)
So very thankful that the damage was minimal. Praise God!!!
