I know it's been a very long time since I've updated this thing. I know.
You all probably think we've fallen off the face of the earth. You all being the two or three who possibly still check in on us.
We haven't. We're still here. Still pluggin' away.
And here in the past couple days, keeping a close eye on the Russian orphan crisis.
That trumps our family update that hasn't been written any day.
I'm sure you all know the news.
Putin is signing a new law into affect that states that Americans can no longer adopt from Russia.
All over a political disagreement, thousands of children will languish in orphanages. Thousands of children will be turned out in the streets at the ripe old age of 16. Thousands of children will never know the love of a family. Thousands of children will never feel anything other than abandonment and rejection.
It breaks my heart.
The sad reality is not just that the orphans will remain just that for the rest of their lives, but also that the orphanages will be more full than ever, thus resulting in even less care per child. For children who already feel as if they are of no value, that will be devastating.
I can't help but remember the little faces that we glimpsed during our times in our children's baby homes.
I can't help but remember walking into the room where Addie lived for two years and hearing 'Papa, Papa' being said from several little mouths.
I can't help but picturing little arms being lifted in hopes of being picked up. Which we couldn't do.
I'm sick for the children. I'm sick for the waiting families who don't know if their children will ever walk through their front doors. I'm sick for the many Russians who will be out of their jobs...and have little hope of finding another (those like Oksana who lived to help the children).
I'm just sick about the whole thing.
Please pray with me for the thousands that this potential new law will affect.
Life With Littles
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Reminding Myself
I've written this post multiple times in my head. Sadly, trying to get the thoughts out on 'paper' doesn't always work out as planned.
I open up the 'dashboard' of this blog, click on the 'new post' button, and think, "Okay. Now what exactly was I going to write?"
I sit here and stare at a white page.
I start typing. I hit the delete button and erase the first few sentences several times.
I go check the baby who is napping in the cradle, making sure he's still breathing. Yes. I am a paranoid mom. Today he only wants to sleep on his tummy, and therefore I spend much time walking to and from the kitchen to his cradle.
I sit back down and listen to the music that is playing from Handful of Quietness. I love her choice of music. It's soothing to our whole household.
I check to make sure I popped the sweet potatoes in the oven for supper. Yes. That is one thing that I actually did remember.
I listen to the quiet from the upstairs and call Will back down to practice sitting strong again. Not real high on his list of priorities today for some reason.
I listen to Addie whispering from her rug as she diligently puts pieces in her pig puzzle....and try to ignore the fact that I have asked her to do the puzzle with no talking. Sometimes I get tired of catching all the little things.
I remember that I have a third son whom I have heard nothing from for quite some time. He's lying on his rug, pushing a combine around in circles, trying to keep his eyes propped open.
And then I can start writing.
The last couple weeks have been difficult at our house. For about a week both Addie and Will were 'stuck'. It's no fun to have one stuck, but when both of them are? I struggle to remember that I am a joyful mom.
In fact, the joyful mom part kind of goes out the window, much to my dismay.
I find myself wondering what it would be like to just have a 'normal' family. What is it like to not have to deal with the various adoption issues. What is it like to have children who trust you. What is it like to KNOW that your children comprehend your love for them. What is it like to not have to listen to your children talk about how it must have felt (they don't totally 'remember' though they have big feelings left from their time in the baby homes) when their moms didn't take care of them...when their moms just dropped them off at a baby home and they didn't know where she went...when their moms forgot to give them bottles. What is it like to have a child who is embarrassed about the fact that she is adopted when very few other children she knows are.
That's where we are.
We have three children who don't totally trust us. How do they know that we won't disappear from their lives as they have experienced before? How do they know that this home truly is forever...as long as God allows. We can't promise that we won't ever leave them. We don't know how long we have. WE know that we won't leave them by our choice, but they have yet to totally understand that.
We have three children who are threatened by a baby. A baby who is totally dependent. A baby whom they have to watch receiving all the love and attention that they were starved for when they were babies.
It's not fair, Addie told us again today. I agree, sweet girl, I agree.
We remind her that that is her past. She doesn't have to stay there. She can be sad about the fact that her mommy didn't take very good care of her, but she can also be happy that she has been given a family who does take care of her. She can be sad that her life has not been easy, but she can be happy that God loves her enough to give her a chance for a better life.
Today, she broke. Today, she told us that she is sad about the way she was treated in the baby home. Today, she told us that she just doesn't understand why God made her be born in Russia to a mommy who didn't take care of her, but let Ty be born to a mommy who is taking care of him. Today, she told us that she is embarrassed that she is adopted, embarrassed that people ask her about being adopted. We told her that she has a special story. She has a story that not many others have. She has a story that only God could have orchestrated. She is special.
Today, I am reminded that though I get frustrated, God is big enough to carry us through the pain. Today, I am reminded that I didn't have to deal with a fraction of the things my three oldest children have dealt with and still have to deal with. Today, I am reminded that I was never abused in any way...not physically, sexually, or mentally. Today, I am reminded that I have never had to deal with feelings of abandonment or neglect.
Today I am learning, once again, that I will never understand the emotions and behaviors of our children, but that God will give us the strength needed for each situation that arises.
Today I am thankful that God allowed me to have a relatively easy life. That I don't have to deal with the many issues that many people in this world have to deal with.
Today I pray that I am joyful. That I am honestly happy to be the mom of children with special needs....what child doesn't have special needs?! That God grants me the patience to deal with the needs of our children without going crazy. That even though our life is currently not the most fun, we will continue to grow in our love for each other.
And most of all I pray that our children will continue to talk. That they will share their feelings. That they will learn to trust us as their parents. That they will grow to be godly men and woman...adults who are secure in the love of Jesus Christ.
I open up the 'dashboard' of this blog, click on the 'new post' button, and think, "Okay. Now what exactly was I going to write?"
I sit here and stare at a white page.
I start typing. I hit the delete button and erase the first few sentences several times.
I go check the baby who is napping in the cradle, making sure he's still breathing. Yes. I am a paranoid mom. Today he only wants to sleep on his tummy, and therefore I spend much time walking to and from the kitchen to his cradle.
I sit back down and listen to the music that is playing from Handful of Quietness. I love her choice of music. It's soothing to our whole household.
I check to make sure I popped the sweet potatoes in the oven for supper. Yes. That is one thing that I actually did remember.
I listen to the quiet from the upstairs and call Will back down to practice sitting strong again. Not real high on his list of priorities today for some reason.
I listen to Addie whispering from her rug as she diligently puts pieces in her pig puzzle....and try to ignore the fact that I have asked her to do the puzzle with no talking. Sometimes I get tired of catching all the little things.
I remember that I have a third son whom I have heard nothing from for quite some time. He's lying on his rug, pushing a combine around in circles, trying to keep his eyes propped open.
And then I can start writing.
The last couple weeks have been difficult at our house. For about a week both Addie and Will were 'stuck'. It's no fun to have one stuck, but when both of them are? I struggle to remember that I am a joyful mom.
In fact, the joyful mom part kind of goes out the window, much to my dismay.
I find myself wondering what it would be like to just have a 'normal' family. What is it like to not have to deal with the various adoption issues. What is it like to have children who trust you. What is it like to KNOW that your children comprehend your love for them. What is it like to not have to listen to your children talk about how it must have felt (they don't totally 'remember' though they have big feelings left from their time in the baby homes) when their moms didn't take care of them...when their moms just dropped them off at a baby home and they didn't know where she went...when their moms forgot to give them bottles. What is it like to have a child who is embarrassed about the fact that she is adopted when very few other children she knows are.
That's where we are.
We have three children who don't totally trust us. How do they know that we won't disappear from their lives as they have experienced before? How do they know that this home truly is forever...as long as God allows. We can't promise that we won't ever leave them. We don't know how long we have. WE know that we won't leave them by our choice, but they have yet to totally understand that.
We have three children who are threatened by a baby. A baby who is totally dependent. A baby whom they have to watch receiving all the love and attention that they were starved for when they were babies.
It's not fair, Addie told us again today. I agree, sweet girl, I agree.
We remind her that that is her past. She doesn't have to stay there. She can be sad about the fact that her mommy didn't take very good care of her, but she can also be happy that she has been given a family who does take care of her. She can be sad that her life has not been easy, but she can be happy that God loves her enough to give her a chance for a better life.
Today, she broke. Today, she told us that she is sad about the way she was treated in the baby home. Today, she told us that she just doesn't understand why God made her be born in Russia to a mommy who didn't take care of her, but let Ty be born to a mommy who is taking care of him. Today, she told us that she is embarrassed that she is adopted, embarrassed that people ask her about being adopted. We told her that she has a special story. She has a story that not many others have. She has a story that only God could have orchestrated. She is special.
Today, I am reminded that though I get frustrated, God is big enough to carry us through the pain. Today, I am reminded that I didn't have to deal with a fraction of the things my three oldest children have dealt with and still have to deal with. Today, I am reminded that I was never abused in any way...not physically, sexually, or mentally. Today, I am reminded that I have never had to deal with feelings of abandonment or neglect.
Today I am learning, once again, that I will never understand the emotions and behaviors of our children, but that God will give us the strength needed for each situation that arises.
Today I am thankful that God allowed me to have a relatively easy life. That I don't have to deal with the many issues that many people in this world have to deal with.
Today I pray that I am joyful. That I am honestly happy to be the mom of children with special needs....what child doesn't have special needs?! That God grants me the patience to deal with the needs of our children without going crazy. That even though our life is currently not the most fun, we will continue to grow in our love for each other.
And most of all I pray that our children will continue to talk. That they will share their feelings. That they will learn to trust us as their parents. That they will grow to be godly men and woman...adults who are secure in the love of Jesus Christ.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Birthday Boy
The little fellow turned six today. (Now yesterday. Oops.)
Six.
I have to wonder if his birth mom allowed herself to think about the one child that she dropped off at the maternity hospital never to see again.
I wonder if she sits and daydreams about how her life would be different if she had kept him.
I wonder if she would have kept him in her care had she the chance to have a re-do.
I wonder if she ever wonders what he looks like.
I wonder if she talks about him to her other children.
I wonder if she wishes she were me right now and able to give him a hug and kiss whenever she wanted to.
I wonder if she cries when she thinks about her little boy on the other side of the world.
I wonder so many things and yet will likely never have the opportunity to have all my questions answered.
If she were to read this today, I would tell her how blessed we feel to have the honor of raising her son. I would tell her that though the past year and a half have been extremely difficult, we can see a faint light at the end of the tunnel.
I would tell her that he has a zeal for life that is unmatched in any child that I have ever met....especially when it comes to opening gifts. His joy is tangible. He LOVES to open gifts. Giggles non-stop.
I would make sure she knows that he can be the most loving little boy and also the absolute most stubborn.
I would tell her how totally un-afraid he is of heights. Just last week he was caught climbing the tv tower...and was a good way off the ground. And crawling out the bedroom window to perch on the tiny roof? Not a problem.
I would tell her that he loves school, but he had to learn the hard way that locking your elbow around a child's throat because said child wouldn't throw the ball is NOT acceptable.
I would tell her that he is such a health freak. His favorite meal is hot dogs, mac-n-cheese, chips, cake, and ice cream. And he giggles the whole time while making macaroni. (No. Making macaroni noodles is not a regular activity at our house...but I sure was glad to see that $3.99 Goodwill pasta maker purchase sitting in my cupboard when I discovered the macaroni supply was on 'E'.)
I would tell her that while he enjoys farming with his daddy, his real passion lies in heavy construction. Apparently it looks far more fun to move great piles of dirt than it does to sit in a tractor waiting on a load of corn.
I would tell her that when he isn't trying to get Jack to copy every single thing that he does, he really is a great big brother. He will sit for many long minutes holding Ty....perhaps the only time all day that he actually sits still.
I would tell her what an awesome memory he has...he has no problem at all memorizing passages from the Bible...often up to 10 verses in a week or two.
I would make sure she knows that he loves Jesus and that he often prays for his family in Russia.
And finally I would tell her thank you. Thank you so much for choosing to give birth to this little boy even though I'm sure she knew from the beginning that she wasn't going to keep him. Thank you for signing the document stating that he could be adopted. Thank you for loving him enough to want better for him than what you thought you could offer. Thank you, Anna, for the gift of our son.
And, thank you, Jesus, for orchestrating such a story.
Six.
I have to wonder if his birth mom allowed herself to think about the one child that she dropped off at the maternity hospital never to see again.
I wonder if she sits and daydreams about how her life would be different if she had kept him.
I wonder if she would have kept him in her care had she the chance to have a re-do.
I wonder if she ever wonders what he looks like.
I wonder if she talks about him to her other children.
I wonder if she wishes she were me right now and able to give him a hug and kiss whenever she wanted to.
I wonder if she cries when she thinks about her little boy on the other side of the world.
I wonder so many things and yet will likely never have the opportunity to have all my questions answered.
If she were to read this today, I would tell her how blessed we feel to have the honor of raising her son. I would tell her that though the past year and a half have been extremely difficult, we can see a faint light at the end of the tunnel.
I would tell her that he has a zeal for life that is unmatched in any child that I have ever met....especially when it comes to opening gifts. His joy is tangible. He LOVES to open gifts. Giggles non-stop.
I would make sure she knows that he can be the most loving little boy and also the absolute most stubborn.
I would tell her how totally un-afraid he is of heights. Just last week he was caught climbing the tv tower...and was a good way off the ground. And crawling out the bedroom window to perch on the tiny roof? Not a problem.
I would tell her that he loves school, but he had to learn the hard way that locking your elbow around a child's throat because said child wouldn't throw the ball is NOT acceptable.
I would tell her that he is such a health freak. His favorite meal is hot dogs, mac-n-cheese, chips, cake, and ice cream. And he giggles the whole time while making macaroni. (No. Making macaroni noodles is not a regular activity at our house...but I sure was glad to see that $3.99 Goodwill pasta maker purchase sitting in my cupboard when I discovered the macaroni supply was on 'E'.)
I would tell her that while he enjoys farming with his daddy, his real passion lies in heavy construction. Apparently it looks far more fun to move great piles of dirt than it does to sit in a tractor waiting on a load of corn.
I would tell her that when he isn't trying to get Jack to copy every single thing that he does, he really is a great big brother. He will sit for many long minutes holding Ty....perhaps the only time all day that he actually sits still.
I would tell her what an awesome memory he has...he has no problem at all memorizing passages from the Bible...often up to 10 verses in a week or two.
I would make sure she knows that he loves Jesus and that he often prays for his family in Russia.
And finally I would tell her thank you. Thank you so much for choosing to give birth to this little boy even though I'm sure she knew from the beginning that she wasn't going to keep him. Thank you for signing the document stating that he could be adopted. Thank you for loving him enough to want better for him than what you thought you could offer. Thank you, Anna, for the gift of our son.
And, thank you, Jesus, for orchestrating such a story.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Orphans at Play...Give a Grandma
If you hadn't noticed, there is now a new widget (I like to use that word) on the right hand side of my blog.
It's to be used to donate money to Orphans at Play, a non-profit organization that is working mainly in Primorsky Region, Russia to get 'Grandmas' into baby homes and orphanages.
Primorsky Region may be better known as Vladivostok, the area that our three oldest children were born in.
As such, that area has a very special place in our hearts. Very few days pass in our household that Russia isn't mentioned. In some ways, it seems a little odd to be discussing 'birth families' and baby homes, but in others, it is our families normal. I can't help but wonder if Ty will feel a little left out. The others can brag about having two families, they get to celebrate two birthdays (the day they were born and the day they joined our family), they can boast about having two Christmases (December 25 and January 7). And poor Ty? He has one birthday, one family, one Christmas.
But one thing that Ty has that our other children did not is a bond with his mom and dad. He knows us. He doesn't feel abandoned, though sometimes when I'm occupied with the other children I'm sure he wonders. He doesn't feel the need to mommy shop. He doesn't have night terrors due to being in an orphanage.
He is well attached, and we didn't even have to work at it.
Why am I saying this? I work with an organization known as Orphans at Play. While I am currently not doing my part and pulling my weight with them, my heart is still there. Life at home has been too full and busy to stretch myself any thinner, but I hope to someday join the forces again.
Last winter we gathered together and collected 27 suitcases full of coats/jackets/hats/mittens/etc. to send to baby homes and orphanages in Vlad. That's happening again this winter, though I am not the collection point. I believe that you can go to Orphans at Play to find the contact person nearest you.
Last winter we also collected funds to do some work in Russia. This year we are doing the same, with high hopes of reaching $10,000 in the next six weeks. We help put in playgrounds at baby homes/orphanages, fund Christmas parties, purchase items that individual baby homes/orphanages need.
Basically we're loving on the orphans from the other side of the world.
Back to the widget. We'd love to collect money for the Grandma program. What is that you ask? Allow me to attempt to explain.
It's well known that children who are adopted can at times struggle to accept their parents. They can struggle to feel loved. They can struggle to fit in with any group...except the 'bad' ones. They can be totally de-tatched from society.
Why? Because in their early years of life they didn't have the opportunity to attach to any one person in life. They were tossed around from one foster home to another. They were thrown into a baby home in another country living with a rotation of up to 15 caregivers in any 24 hour period. They learned that if they start to trust one person that person will disappear from their life.
Giving a Grandma simply means just that. By chipping in just a few dollars, you can fund a part of a Grandma....someone who will go into the baby homes several hours a week simply to love on the children. Someone who will be a set figure in the children's lives. Someone who may allow the children to form an attachment, which will in turn allow them to attach more fully to their parents as they learned that not EVERYONE they love disappears.
The Grandmas go in and play games, hold, hug, talk...simply take time to get to know the children. Something that the day to day caregivers may not have the time to do.
If you go to Orphans at Play website, you will also find a store that you can purchase from to support the work we do in Russia.
Thank you in advance for being the hands and feet for the children left behind. Thank you for helping us get Grandmas into the baby homes and orphanages, thus giving a few more children a chance to feel true love from an adult.
It's to be used to donate money to Orphans at Play, a non-profit organization that is working mainly in Primorsky Region, Russia to get 'Grandmas' into baby homes and orphanages.
Primorsky Region may be better known as Vladivostok, the area that our three oldest children were born in.
As such, that area has a very special place in our hearts. Very few days pass in our household that Russia isn't mentioned. In some ways, it seems a little odd to be discussing 'birth families' and baby homes, but in others, it is our families normal. I can't help but wonder if Ty will feel a little left out. The others can brag about having two families, they get to celebrate two birthdays (the day they were born and the day they joined our family), they can boast about having two Christmases (December 25 and January 7). And poor Ty? He has one birthday, one family, one Christmas.
But one thing that Ty has that our other children did not is a bond with his mom and dad. He knows us. He doesn't feel abandoned, though sometimes when I'm occupied with the other children I'm sure he wonders. He doesn't feel the need to mommy shop. He doesn't have night terrors due to being in an orphanage.
He is well attached, and we didn't even have to work at it.
Why am I saying this? I work with an organization known as Orphans at Play. While I am currently not doing my part and pulling my weight with them, my heart is still there. Life at home has been too full and busy to stretch myself any thinner, but I hope to someday join the forces again.
Last winter we gathered together and collected 27 suitcases full of coats/jackets/hats/mittens/etc. to send to baby homes and orphanages in Vlad. That's happening again this winter, though I am not the collection point. I believe that you can go to Orphans at Play to find the contact person nearest you.
Last winter we also collected funds to do some work in Russia. This year we are doing the same, with high hopes of reaching $10,000 in the next six weeks. We help put in playgrounds at baby homes/orphanages, fund Christmas parties, purchase items that individual baby homes/orphanages need.
Basically we're loving on the orphans from the other side of the world.
Back to the widget. We'd love to collect money for the Grandma program. What is that you ask? Allow me to attempt to explain.
It's well known that children who are adopted can at times struggle to accept their parents. They can struggle to feel loved. They can struggle to fit in with any group...except the 'bad' ones. They can be totally de-tatched from society.
Why? Because in their early years of life they didn't have the opportunity to attach to any one person in life. They were tossed around from one foster home to another. They were thrown into a baby home in another country living with a rotation of up to 15 caregivers in any 24 hour period. They learned that if they start to trust one person that person will disappear from their life.
Giving a Grandma simply means just that. By chipping in just a few dollars, you can fund a part of a Grandma....someone who will go into the baby homes several hours a week simply to love on the children. Someone who will be a set figure in the children's lives. Someone who may allow the children to form an attachment, which will in turn allow them to attach more fully to their parents as they learned that not EVERYONE they love disappears.
The Grandmas go in and play games, hold, hug, talk...simply take time to get to know the children. Something that the day to day caregivers may not have the time to do.
If you go to Orphans at Play website, you will also find a store that you can purchase from to support the work we do in Russia.
Thank you in advance for being the hands and feet for the children left behind. Thank you for helping us get Grandmas into the baby homes and orphanages, thus giving a few more children a chance to feel true love from an adult.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Information...WARNING...VERY LONG
Following is a letter taken from a website that is all about Reactive Attachment Disorder. I did not write this letter, but it completely describes the turmoil and chaos that has been in our home the past year or so.
Even down to triangulation of parents. For a long time, our son was a pro at getting his daddy to believe something that Mommy said or did...when, in fact, Mommy didn't. It caused tension. Lots of it. Had we not been committed to our marriage, I hate to think what could have happened. Yes. It was that serious. From talking to other families, this is a very, very common problem....a family who has a child with RAD often ends up in a broken family.
It took us some time to realize what was happening. And when we caught on to what was happening? Things got even worse.
Behavior ramped up until it got so serious that we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we had serious issues. Issues that were so serious and scary that we needed immediate help.
Now? Behavior has improved drastically. It's still up and down. We still have days that we wonder if all this therapeutic parenting is going to have any benefit.
But, let me tell you, it has and it is. There was a stretch of nearly a week of absolutely super behavior (at home, perhaps not so much at school) and the happy boy that we had so long ago had returned. Currently, he's in a slump, but that's to be expected. It's a long process to get a brain healed up.
He's following the 'normal' pattern of the roller coaster. Up and down, up and down.
Currently, the most difficult part for us is getting back into social settings. For several months we have been out of circulation due to necessity. Being in a public setting makes children with RAD act completely fine (for a while)...especially when there are folks around who tell them how cute they are and hand them treats. People we meet up with in public didn't see the battle we had just before we walked out the door. The child can be a monster....doing all manner of destructive things at home...and fifteen minutes later, when we arrive at the point of destination, can be hugging and kissing us, acting as if he/she is the most loving child in the world.
Social settings right now are needed in order for our children to learn (again) what is acceptable and what is not, but it makes for a couple hairy days at home. So the question becomes....is it really worth it?!
And just one more thing before you get to read the very lengthy letter. Perhaps I have mentioned it before, but I feel it is important to mention again as it is proof that this weird parenting is working. Before we left Colorado, Nancy told us that when the 'junk is cleaned out of the trunk' a child will often grow physically as well as emotionally. We kind of laughed and agreed. "Uh-huh, I'm sure!" Chuckle, chuckle.
We didn't know just how true that really was. Just before leaving for Colorado (the day before, in fact), I measured all three children and made the cute little marks on their growth charts. The beginning of September (only two and a half months later) I measured them all again, just out of curiosity. Addie grew 1 1/2 inches. Will grew 1 1/4 inches. No kidding. Addie has gained only a little weight...Will has gained five pounds in only a month and a half.
The previous SIX months they hadn't quite grown that much.
Something is working. The 'junk was cleaned out of the trunk' and their energy can now go toward growth rather than survival.
On to the letter....
Letter For Teachers
Overview of Reactive Attachment Disorder for Teachers
If a parent has given you this to read, you are teaching a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. The family of this child has decided to share this information with you. This sharing is a big step for the family, and one I hope that you will treat gently and with the respect it deserves. This family has been through traumas you cannot even imagine. I will describe a few of them here below so that you get the ‘flavor’ and perhaps even begin to understand why this child’s parents sometimes seem so harsh or harried or even depressed.
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is most common in foster and adopted children, but can be found in many other so-called ‘normal’ families, as well, due to divorce, illness, or separations. RAD happens when a child is not properly nurtured in the first few months and years of life. The child is left to cry–in hunger, pain, need for changing, or cuddling–and learns that adults will not help him or her. Children whose parents are more involved in getting their next drug fix, than they are in nurturing the developing child, learn that their needs are not primary to adults. Children born of drug or alcohol-addicted parents learn, even in the womb, that things do not feel good and are not safe for them. In severe cases, where the child was an abuse, neglect, or violence victim, the child learns that adults are hurtful and cannot be trusted. The child with RAD, therefore, develops habits of dealing with the world in a way she believes will keep her safe. He manipulates in order to control a world he literally thinks will kill him if he does not control it. Without therapy, kids with RAD never develop the attachments to another human being which teaches them to trust, accept discipline, develop cause-and-effect thinking, self-control, and responsibility for their own actions.
Children with RAD are often involved in the Juvenile Justice System as they get older. Left untreated, such children can maim, kill, and torture–without conscience or feeling. They can start fires, kill pets and terrorize their families. It has been said that untreated RAD children grew up to be such people, as, Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, and the teenagers who shot up Columbine High. They feel no remorse, have no conscience, and see no relation between their actions and what happens as a result. Because, they never connected with, or relied upon another human being, in trust, throughout their entire lives–they attempt to become their own parent.
In most cases, what you will see as a teacher, is a child, who is, initially, surprisingly charming to you–even seeking to hold your hand, climbing into your lap, smiling a lot. You may feel delighted that you are getting on so well with him/her. At the onset of your contact with the child who has been reported from prior grades as ‘impossible’, you will wonder what those previous teachers did to provoke the behaviors you have not seen but which are reflected in the prior grade reports. A few months into what you thought was a working relationship, the child is suddenly openly defiant, moody, angry and difficult to handle. There is no way to predict what will happen from day to the next. The child often eats as if he hasn’t been properly fed and is suspected of stealing other children’s snacks or lunch items. The child does not seem to make or keep friends. The child seems able to play one-on-one for short periods, but cannot really function well in groups. The child is often a bully on the playground. Although RAD kids typically have above average intelligence, they often do not perform well in school due to lack of problem-solving and analytical-thinking skills. They often test poorly – often deliberately.
Children who suffer from RAD might climb into your lap and pretend to be affection ‘starved’. RAD kids often talk out-loud in class rooms, do not contribute fairly to group work, or conversely argue to dominate and control the group. Organizational abilities are usually limited, and monitoring is resented. There may be a sense of hypervigilance about them that you initially perceive as no sense of personal space and general ‘nosiness’. They seem to want to know everyone else’s business but never tell you anything about their own. There is no sense of conscience for their actions, even if someone else is hurt. They may express an offhand or even seemingly sincere “sorry”, but will likely do the same thing again tomorrow. These kids thrive on having made you ‘lose’ it. They are not motivated by self or parental pride. Normal reward and punishment systems simply do not work– kindness, sympathy or concern only exacerbate their poor behaviors – they see you as simply a ‘sucker’ to be exploited.
They will deliberately omit parts of assignments–even when writing their names–just so that they are in control of the assignment, not you. When assigned a seat they will often choose an indirect, self- selected path to reach the seat. When given a certain number of things to repeat or do, they often do more than, or less than directed. They often destroy toys, clothing, bedding, pillows, and family memorabilia, then feign complete innocence even when the shredded materials are lying at their feet. They usually blame parents, siblings, or others, for missing and incomplete homework, missing items of clothing, lost lunch bags, etc. RAD kids sometimes feign fear of parents when in a public place simply for the reactions it elicits from other adults. Children with RAD are masters at triangulating parents and teachers with any number of half or completely false stories. They destroy school bags, lose supplies, steal food, sneak sweets, break zippers on coats, tear clothing, and eat so as to disgust those around them (open mouth chewing, food smeared over face).
They often inflict self injuries, pick at scabs until they bleed, and seek attention for non-existent/miniscule injuries. But, they will seek to avoid adults when they have real injuries or genuine pain. Kids with RAD sometimes have multiple falls and accidents and frequently complain about what other children have done to them, i.e. ”He started it!”, “Suzi kicked me first”. RAD kids can walk around in significant physical pain from real injuries and will minimize the injury until it is detected–at which point they may be able to exploit the delay occasioned by their own failure to complain appropriately. They often will not wipe a running nose or cover a mouth to sneeze, or conversely will overreact or exaggerate a cough or mild illness. They accept no responsibility for their actions and do not have any sense of why everyone can get so aggravated with them. They often have scrapes, bumps, bruises and will claim abuse by an adult in order to obtain attention and seem to be “accident prone”.
They are in a constant battle for control of their environment and seek that control however they can, even in totally meaningless situations. If they are in control, they feel safe. If they are loved and protected by an adult, they are convinced they are going to die, because they never learned to trust adults, adult judgment, or to develop any of what we know as normal feelings of acceptance, safety and warmth.
These children often slur words just to make you ask them to repeat themselves or speak more clearly. Their speech patterns are often unusual, and may involve talking out of turn, talking constantly, talking nonsense, humming, singsong, asking unanswerable or obvious questions, i.e. “Do I get a drink any time today?”. They have one pace – theirs! No amount of “Hurry up, everyone is waiting on you!” will work. They want to be in control, and you have just told them that they are! If you need the child to finish lunch so everyone can go to the playground, he might eat five times slower than usual. If you need the child to dress and line up, he might scatter papers, drop clothing, fail to locate gloves, wander around the room – anything to slow the process and control it further. Five minutes later he may be kissing your hand or stroking your cheek with absolutely no sense of having caused the mayhem that ensues from his actions.
You can begin to understand what this child’s parents face on a daily basis. The parents are often tense. They are involved in ‘control battles’ for their parental role nearly every minute they are with the child. The parents adopted the child thinking love would cure anything that had happened to her before the adoption. They have only recently learned that ‘normal’ parenting will not work with this child–that much of what they have tried to do for years simply fed into the child’s dysfunction. They are frightened, sad, stressed and lonely. Many feel unmerited guilt for their perceived ‘failure’ with this child. The mothers often bear the brunt of the child’s actions and the child is often clever enough to make certain none of it occurs in front of the father. Hence, they even triangulate the parents – because it puts them in control of the situation, which makes them feel safer.
It takes a tremendous amount of work and therapy to turn these kids around so that they can experience real feelings and learn to trust. Parents who have embarked on this healing journey for their child need support and consistency from other adults who interact with the child. This diagnosis is a relatively new one in the some mental health communities, despite widespread acceptance for years in many states.
What can you do as a teacher? CALL THE PARENTS. They will likely not be real warm about this child at this point, and can be perceived as too harsh until you get to know them better. Have them in to talk with you about this issue. They are often hostile to outside commentary because other without RAD information don’t really know what these folks are living with every day. Call them and talk about what you see in the classroom and ask if they have any other strategies for managing things. Parents who are in counseling and therapy with their child will eventually open up to you and you’ll all be able to help the child get healthy or at least not contribute to his dysfunction. Remember the child’s primary objective is to triangulate you from the parents so that he controls the relationships on his terms, not yours. He may also seek to triangulate you from other supervisory or authority figures at the school.
If parents let you know that time is precious on a particular occasion due to ongoing therapy (or whatever) don’t feel put-off or shut-out. They will talk to you when they have time, and time is one of the things RAD parents often run out, of as they work desperately to save their child’s future. The therapy and home-parenting techniques are exhausting, and time-consuming. Try to respect that, if it seems they are not focusing on your goal of home or class-work. Do not trust schoolbag communication or expect things sent in a “communication envelope” to be as complete as when they left the school with the child. Many parents develop alternative communication methods once they realize why they feel so ‘out of it’ where the school is concerned. They are ‘out of it’, because that is how the child wants it. And, the child will hide or destroy notes, and information sheets. Or, partially reduce the contents of communication envelopes so that it looks like you simply have an unresponsive parent on your hands. Use the phone and regular mail – it works.
Don’t feel you need to apologize if you have believed this child and blamed the parents. If they have given you this information, they already trust you, and do not blame you for not having the information you needed – likely they only just recently got it themselves. Make it perfectly clear in your interactions with the child that YOU ARE THE BOSS of the classroom or activity. Remind the child, unemotionally, but firmly, that you are the boss–you make the rules. You can even smile when you say it if you can ‘get’ the smile ‘all the way up to the eyes’. Just remember to get the child to verbally acknowledge your position i.e. “Yes, ma’am, you are the boss”. Do it every day for a while, then use periodic reminders. Insist upon use of titles or prefixes: “Miss” Jane, “Teacher” Sarah, “Mr” Philips–they establish position and rank. Structure choices so that you remain in control: “Do you want to wear your coat, or carry it to the playground?”, “You may complete that paper sitting or standing”, “You may complete that assignment during this period, or during recess”. Remember to keep the anger and frustration that the child is seeking out of your voice. Try to ‘smile all the way to your eyes’, if you can, otherwise, simply stay as neutral as you can. Structure and control without threat.
YOU ARE NOT THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER for this child. You cannot parent this child. You are his teacher–not his therapist–not his parents. Remind the child that her parents are where she can get hugs, cuddles, food and treats. You will only have responsibility for this child for one school year – understand that, unless you maintain your role as teacher, this child will consider the move into the next grade as having you ’abandon’ him. The only way to avoid that is to remain in your teacher role and support the process of helping this child learn to be a whole human being as best you can in the time you have. Teachers are left-behind each year, it is normal. These children need to learn that lesson.
Establish EYE CONTACT with the child, insist upon it as often as the opportunity presents itself. Do not be deceived by the child’s focusing on your forehead or chin. Children with RAD do not like eye contact and will do just about anything to avoid it unless they are lying or trying to manipulate you–at which point you will be hard-put to avoid a ‘staring’ contest. Be firm, be consistent, be specific.
Try to remember to ACKNOWLEDGE GOOD DECISIONS AND GOOD BEHAVIOR, i.e., ”I see you made a good choice and finished your homework last night.” “I see you decided to sit out the game rather than get into a fight with Sally, that’s a good choice.”
CONSEQUENCE POOR DECISIONS AND BAD BEHAVIOR. Poor decisions and choices, like: incomplete homework, wrong weight jacket for the weather, also need to be acknowledged. “I see you chose to have incomplete work from this activity period. You may finish it at recess while the other children who chose to finish their work go outside and play. Better luck next time.” Nothing mean, or angry, or spiteful – it’s just the facts. Remember that they have difficulty with cause-and-effect thinking and have to be taught consequences. Normal reward systems like treats and stickers simply do not work with these children. You will continue to see ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ from day-to-day with absolutely no correlation to standard reward systems. Standard behavior modification techniques do not work with this child – she doesn’t think the way nurtured children think. Her entire being is centered on being in control so she can be ‘safe’. If anyone else is in control she is anxious and certain she is going to die – no kidding, it is that serious.
Consequencing is a good teaching technique for adults involved with RAD kids – there is a consequence associated with each good behavior, each poor behavior – teach them what those consequences are – they will not think of, or recognize them without your direction.
BE CONSISTENT, BE SPECIFIC. The RAD child will be “good” for you one or two days–or even weeks–just to watch your incredulity at his or her misbehavior the next time. General compliments like “You’re a good boy!” or “You know better”, are not helpful. Be specific and consistent – confront each misbehavior and support each good behavior with direct language. “You scribbled on the desk – you clean it up” ”You hit Timmy, you sit here next to me until I decide you may play again without hitting.” ”You did well on the playground today, good for you!” “You chose to complete that assignment, that’s a good choice!” Be positive when you can.
DO NOT ACCEPT POOR MANNERS OR INCOHERENT SPEECH. The child must say “May I please be excused to use the restroom?” Not, “I gotta pee”. And, yes, they will often wet themselves rather than ask appropriately–just to upset you and make you think you’re responsible for making them stand there too long. Say, ”I see that you wet yourself. That must not feel very good.” Then, just go back to whatever you were doing. He might feel embarrassment, or even just the discomfort that is a NATURAL CONSEQUENCE of his choice to wet himself, rather than ask for excuse to the restroom properly. Feel free to not respond to slurred or incoherent speech. The child will learn she cannot manipulate you into asking for a repetition or clarification. If you feel you must, tell the childthat you will not be able to hear him until he makes the choice to speak clearly and then turn your attention elsewhere. The child should say, “Yes, Miss Janice.” “No, Mr. Sayers.” “Yeah,” and “Nope,” and “I don’t know,” are no longer part of the child in therapy’s vocabulary – do not tolerate them in your classroom, they are disrespectful.
This NATURAL CONSEQUENCES thing is important. Do not permit this child to control your behavior by threatening to throw a tantrum–instead, let him, out in the hallway or in another room. Say, “You can have your tantrum here if you choose to.” If she is wetting her pants–instead, let her, and then make her clean up any puddles or stains. Say, ”I see you’ve wet the rug, here is a rag and bucket to clean it up” If he is puttering around doing his own thing when it delays the class’ departure for a planned activity, say, ”I see you’ve chosen to fool around rather than get ready to go, you can wait here in the supervisor’s office until we get back”.
Time-outs do not work for these children – they want to isolate themselves from others. Bring the child near the activity he has had to be removed from and have them stand with you, or sit in a chair along side you. It’s called a “TIME-IN”. If you can take the time, speak quietly about how much fun the other children are having and how sad it is that she cannot join in right now. No raised voices, no anger. Don’t lose your temper if you can avoid it, remember he is manipulating you to do just that. If you are going to ‘lose it’, seek assistance from another adult until you are back in control.
DO NOT SYMPATHIZE with this child. Feeling sorry for her will only give her power over you, usurp your role as teacher, and prevent you from being effective in your role. Remain consistent in your expectations, do not lower them for this child. The child with RAD has even more to learn than ‘normal’ kids.
SUPPORT THE PARENTS. The child who is losing control at home and in the classroom because folks are ‘on to him’ will get a whole lot worse before he gets better. Listen appropriately. Always redirect this child to her parents for choices, hugs, decision-making and sharing of information that you believe is either not true or is designed to shock or manipulate you. Follow up with the parents.
REMAIN CALM AND IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF. No matter what she does today. If she manages to upset you, she is in control, not you. Remove yourself or the child from the situation until you are able to cope.
AVOID BEING ALONE WITH THIS CHILD. They learn, shockingly early in life for some of them, that such situations can be manipulated into abuse claims for which there is no “witness”.
If your classroom is out-of-control because of this child, get help. Although many schools and school districts already use our parenting materials and resources, many school counselors, and administrators have not yet had exposure to the RAD diagnosis or how to handle it in schools. There are many resources available. Don’t give up! These children are inventive, manipulative, and very much in need of everything you can offer to help them get healthy. Remind the child that you will be speaking with her parents on a regular basis. Report to the child’s home as often as you can without feeling burdened by the effort. Expect notes to be destroyed. Use the phone. If you do not get a response to written communication and the parents seem to be out of touch with general information, do not blame them. Chances are they never got the message, never saw the right number of papers and have no clue what is going on because that is just how the child likes it. It takes control from the parent. Give it back by communicating directly whenever possible.
This child can, and will be helped to get healthy. And, you can be a part of that process with the right tools. Keep in touch with the family. Remember that what you see in school is only the tip of the iceberg – family life is terribly threatening to these children and what the parents have to deal with every day is nearly unimaginable to other uninformed adults. Blaming the family or failing to communicate with them adds to the dysfunction and puts the child at greater risk of never getting healthy. This child is learning in therapy to be respectful, responsible and fun to be around. It will take time, it will be an effort, if in the end it is successful, it will be because the adults in her life were consistent and the child decided to work in therapy.
Your contribution as his teacher cannot be underestimated or undervalued! His parents will be grateful for the support, and the therapist will have fewer inconsistent venues to sort out while helping the child to heal.
Used with permission from the author.
Even down to triangulation of parents. For a long time, our son was a pro at getting his daddy to believe something that Mommy said or did...when, in fact, Mommy didn't. It caused tension. Lots of it. Had we not been committed to our marriage, I hate to think what could have happened. Yes. It was that serious. From talking to other families, this is a very, very common problem....a family who has a child with RAD often ends up in a broken family.
It took us some time to realize what was happening. And when we caught on to what was happening? Things got even worse.
Behavior ramped up until it got so serious that we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we had serious issues. Issues that were so serious and scary that we needed immediate help.
Now? Behavior has improved drastically. It's still up and down. We still have days that we wonder if all this therapeutic parenting is going to have any benefit.
But, let me tell you, it has and it is. There was a stretch of nearly a week of absolutely super behavior (at home, perhaps not so much at school) and the happy boy that we had so long ago had returned. Currently, he's in a slump, but that's to be expected. It's a long process to get a brain healed up.
He's following the 'normal' pattern of the roller coaster. Up and down, up and down.
Currently, the most difficult part for us is getting back into social settings. For several months we have been out of circulation due to necessity. Being in a public setting makes children with RAD act completely fine (for a while)...especially when there are folks around who tell them how cute they are and hand them treats. People we meet up with in public didn't see the battle we had just before we walked out the door. The child can be a monster....doing all manner of destructive things at home...and fifteen minutes later, when we arrive at the point of destination, can be hugging and kissing us, acting as if he/she is the most loving child in the world.
Social settings right now are needed in order for our children to learn (again) what is acceptable and what is not, but it makes for a couple hairy days at home. So the question becomes....is it really worth it?!
And just one more thing before you get to read the very lengthy letter. Perhaps I have mentioned it before, but I feel it is important to mention again as it is proof that this weird parenting is working. Before we left Colorado, Nancy told us that when the 'junk is cleaned out of the trunk' a child will often grow physically as well as emotionally. We kind of laughed and agreed. "Uh-huh, I'm sure!" Chuckle, chuckle.
We didn't know just how true that really was. Just before leaving for Colorado (the day before, in fact), I measured all three children and made the cute little marks on their growth charts. The beginning of September (only two and a half months later) I measured them all again, just out of curiosity. Addie grew 1 1/2 inches. Will grew 1 1/4 inches. No kidding. Addie has gained only a little weight...Will has gained five pounds in only a month and a half.
The previous SIX months they hadn't quite grown that much.
Something is working. The 'junk was cleaned out of the trunk' and their energy can now go toward growth rather than survival.
On to the letter....
Letter For Teachers
Overview of Reactive Attachment Disorder for Teachers
If a parent has given you this to read, you are teaching a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. The family of this child has decided to share this information with you. This sharing is a big step for the family, and one I hope that you will treat gently and with the respect it deserves. This family has been through traumas you cannot even imagine. I will describe a few of them here below so that you get the ‘flavor’ and perhaps even begin to understand why this child’s parents sometimes seem so harsh or harried or even depressed.
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is most common in foster and adopted children, but can be found in many other so-called ‘normal’ families, as well, due to divorce, illness, or separations. RAD happens when a child is not properly nurtured in the first few months and years of life. The child is left to cry–in hunger, pain, need for changing, or cuddling–and learns that adults will not help him or her. Children whose parents are more involved in getting their next drug fix, than they are in nurturing the developing child, learn that their needs are not primary to adults. Children born of drug or alcohol-addicted parents learn, even in the womb, that things do not feel good and are not safe for them. In severe cases, where the child was an abuse, neglect, or violence victim, the child learns that adults are hurtful and cannot be trusted. The child with RAD, therefore, develops habits of dealing with the world in a way she believes will keep her safe. He manipulates in order to control a world he literally thinks will kill him if he does not control it. Without therapy, kids with RAD never develop the attachments to another human being which teaches them to trust, accept discipline, develop cause-and-effect thinking, self-control, and responsibility for their own actions.
Children with RAD are often involved in the Juvenile Justice System as they get older. Left untreated, such children can maim, kill, and torture–without conscience or feeling. They can start fires, kill pets and terrorize their families. It has been said that untreated RAD children grew up to be such people, as, Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, and the teenagers who shot up Columbine High. They feel no remorse, have no conscience, and see no relation between their actions and what happens as a result. Because, they never connected with, or relied upon another human being, in trust, throughout their entire lives–they attempt to become their own parent.
In most cases, what you will see as a teacher, is a child, who is, initially, surprisingly charming to you–even seeking to hold your hand, climbing into your lap, smiling a lot. You may feel delighted that you are getting on so well with him/her. At the onset of your contact with the child who has been reported from prior grades as ‘impossible’, you will wonder what those previous teachers did to provoke the behaviors you have not seen but which are reflected in the prior grade reports. A few months into what you thought was a working relationship, the child is suddenly openly defiant, moody, angry and difficult to handle. There is no way to predict what will happen from day to the next. The child often eats as if he hasn’t been properly fed and is suspected of stealing other children’s snacks or lunch items. The child does not seem to make or keep friends. The child seems able to play one-on-one for short periods, but cannot really function well in groups. The child is often a bully on the playground. Although RAD kids typically have above average intelligence, they often do not perform well in school due to lack of problem-solving and analytical-thinking skills. They often test poorly – often deliberately.
Children who suffer from RAD might climb into your lap and pretend to be affection ‘starved’. RAD kids often talk out-loud in class rooms, do not contribute fairly to group work, or conversely argue to dominate and control the group. Organizational abilities are usually limited, and monitoring is resented. There may be a sense of hypervigilance about them that you initially perceive as no sense of personal space and general ‘nosiness’. They seem to want to know everyone else’s business but never tell you anything about their own. There is no sense of conscience for their actions, even if someone else is hurt. They may express an offhand or even seemingly sincere “sorry”, but will likely do the same thing again tomorrow. These kids thrive on having made you ‘lose’ it. They are not motivated by self or parental pride. Normal reward and punishment systems simply do not work– kindness, sympathy or concern only exacerbate their poor behaviors – they see you as simply a ‘sucker’ to be exploited.
They will deliberately omit parts of assignments–even when writing their names–just so that they are in control of the assignment, not you. When assigned a seat they will often choose an indirect, self- selected path to reach the seat. When given a certain number of things to repeat or do, they often do more than, or less than directed. They often destroy toys, clothing, bedding, pillows, and family memorabilia, then feign complete innocence even when the shredded materials are lying at their feet. They usually blame parents, siblings, or others, for missing and incomplete homework, missing items of clothing, lost lunch bags, etc. RAD kids sometimes feign fear of parents when in a public place simply for the reactions it elicits from other adults. Children with RAD are masters at triangulating parents and teachers with any number of half or completely false stories. They destroy school bags, lose supplies, steal food, sneak sweets, break zippers on coats, tear clothing, and eat so as to disgust those around them (open mouth chewing, food smeared over face).
They often inflict self injuries, pick at scabs until they bleed, and seek attention for non-existent/miniscule injuries. But, they will seek to avoid adults when they have real injuries or genuine pain. Kids with RAD sometimes have multiple falls and accidents and frequently complain about what other children have done to them, i.e. ”He started it!”, “Suzi kicked me first”. RAD kids can walk around in significant physical pain from real injuries and will minimize the injury until it is detected–at which point they may be able to exploit the delay occasioned by their own failure to complain appropriately. They often will not wipe a running nose or cover a mouth to sneeze, or conversely will overreact or exaggerate a cough or mild illness. They accept no responsibility for their actions and do not have any sense of why everyone can get so aggravated with them. They often have scrapes, bumps, bruises and will claim abuse by an adult in order to obtain attention and seem to be “accident prone”.
They are in a constant battle for control of their environment and seek that control however they can, even in totally meaningless situations. If they are in control, they feel safe. If they are loved and protected by an adult, they are convinced they are going to die, because they never learned to trust adults, adult judgment, or to develop any of what we know as normal feelings of acceptance, safety and warmth.
These children often slur words just to make you ask them to repeat themselves or speak more clearly. Their speech patterns are often unusual, and may involve talking out of turn, talking constantly, talking nonsense, humming, singsong, asking unanswerable or obvious questions, i.e. “Do I get a drink any time today?”. They have one pace – theirs! No amount of “Hurry up, everyone is waiting on you!” will work. They want to be in control, and you have just told them that they are! If you need the child to finish lunch so everyone can go to the playground, he might eat five times slower than usual. If you need the child to dress and line up, he might scatter papers, drop clothing, fail to locate gloves, wander around the room – anything to slow the process and control it further. Five minutes later he may be kissing your hand or stroking your cheek with absolutely no sense of having caused the mayhem that ensues from his actions.
You can begin to understand what this child’s parents face on a daily basis. The parents are often tense. They are involved in ‘control battles’ for their parental role nearly every minute they are with the child. The parents adopted the child thinking love would cure anything that had happened to her before the adoption. They have only recently learned that ‘normal’ parenting will not work with this child–that much of what they have tried to do for years simply fed into the child’s dysfunction. They are frightened, sad, stressed and lonely. Many feel unmerited guilt for their perceived ‘failure’ with this child. The mothers often bear the brunt of the child’s actions and the child is often clever enough to make certain none of it occurs in front of the father. Hence, they even triangulate the parents – because it puts them in control of the situation, which makes them feel safer.
It takes a tremendous amount of work and therapy to turn these kids around so that they can experience real feelings and learn to trust. Parents who have embarked on this healing journey for their child need support and consistency from other adults who interact with the child. This diagnosis is a relatively new one in the some mental health communities, despite widespread acceptance for years in many states.
What can you do as a teacher? CALL THE PARENTS. They will likely not be real warm about this child at this point, and can be perceived as too harsh until you get to know them better. Have them in to talk with you about this issue. They are often hostile to outside commentary because other without RAD information don’t really know what these folks are living with every day. Call them and talk about what you see in the classroom and ask if they have any other strategies for managing things. Parents who are in counseling and therapy with their child will eventually open up to you and you’ll all be able to help the child get healthy or at least not contribute to his dysfunction. Remember the child’s primary objective is to triangulate you from the parents so that he controls the relationships on his terms, not yours. He may also seek to triangulate you from other supervisory or authority figures at the school.
If parents let you know that time is precious on a particular occasion due to ongoing therapy (or whatever) don’t feel put-off or shut-out. They will talk to you when they have time, and time is one of the things RAD parents often run out, of as they work desperately to save their child’s future. The therapy and home-parenting techniques are exhausting, and time-consuming. Try to respect that, if it seems they are not focusing on your goal of home or class-work. Do not trust schoolbag communication or expect things sent in a “communication envelope” to be as complete as when they left the school with the child. Many parents develop alternative communication methods once they realize why they feel so ‘out of it’ where the school is concerned. They are ‘out of it’, because that is how the child wants it. And, the child will hide or destroy notes, and information sheets. Or, partially reduce the contents of communication envelopes so that it looks like you simply have an unresponsive parent on your hands. Use the phone and regular mail – it works.
Don’t feel you need to apologize if you have believed this child and blamed the parents. If they have given you this information, they already trust you, and do not blame you for not having the information you needed – likely they only just recently got it themselves. Make it perfectly clear in your interactions with the child that YOU ARE THE BOSS of the classroom or activity. Remind the child, unemotionally, but firmly, that you are the boss–you make the rules. You can even smile when you say it if you can ‘get’ the smile ‘all the way up to the eyes’. Just remember to get the child to verbally acknowledge your position i.e. “Yes, ma’am, you are the boss”. Do it every day for a while, then use periodic reminders. Insist upon use of titles or prefixes: “Miss” Jane, “Teacher” Sarah, “Mr” Philips–they establish position and rank. Structure choices so that you remain in control: “Do you want to wear your coat, or carry it to the playground?”, “You may complete that paper sitting or standing”, “You may complete that assignment during this period, or during recess”. Remember to keep the anger and frustration that the child is seeking out of your voice. Try to ‘smile all the way to your eyes’, if you can, otherwise, simply stay as neutral as you can. Structure and control without threat.
YOU ARE NOT THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER for this child. You cannot parent this child. You are his teacher–not his therapist–not his parents. Remind the child that her parents are where she can get hugs, cuddles, food and treats. You will only have responsibility for this child for one school year – understand that, unless you maintain your role as teacher, this child will consider the move into the next grade as having you ’abandon’ him. The only way to avoid that is to remain in your teacher role and support the process of helping this child learn to be a whole human being as best you can in the time you have. Teachers are left-behind each year, it is normal. These children need to learn that lesson.
Establish EYE CONTACT with the child, insist upon it as often as the opportunity presents itself. Do not be deceived by the child’s focusing on your forehead or chin. Children with RAD do not like eye contact and will do just about anything to avoid it unless they are lying or trying to manipulate you–at which point you will be hard-put to avoid a ‘staring’ contest. Be firm, be consistent, be specific.
Try to remember to ACKNOWLEDGE GOOD DECISIONS AND GOOD BEHAVIOR, i.e., ”I see you made a good choice and finished your homework last night.” “I see you decided to sit out the game rather than get into a fight with Sally, that’s a good choice.”
CONSEQUENCE POOR DECISIONS AND BAD BEHAVIOR. Poor decisions and choices, like: incomplete homework, wrong weight jacket for the weather, also need to be acknowledged. “I see you chose to have incomplete work from this activity period. You may finish it at recess while the other children who chose to finish their work go outside and play. Better luck next time.” Nothing mean, or angry, or spiteful – it’s just the facts. Remember that they have difficulty with cause-and-effect thinking and have to be taught consequences. Normal reward systems like treats and stickers simply do not work with these children. You will continue to see ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ from day-to-day with absolutely no correlation to standard reward systems. Standard behavior modification techniques do not work with this child – she doesn’t think the way nurtured children think. Her entire being is centered on being in control so she can be ‘safe’. If anyone else is in control she is anxious and certain she is going to die – no kidding, it is that serious.
Consequencing is a good teaching technique for adults involved with RAD kids – there is a consequence associated with each good behavior, each poor behavior – teach them what those consequences are – they will not think of, or recognize them without your direction.
BE CONSISTENT, BE SPECIFIC. The RAD child will be “good” for you one or two days–or even weeks–just to watch your incredulity at his or her misbehavior the next time. General compliments like “You’re a good boy!” or “You know better”, are not helpful. Be specific and consistent – confront each misbehavior and support each good behavior with direct language. “You scribbled on the desk – you clean it up” ”You hit Timmy, you sit here next to me until I decide you may play again without hitting.” ”You did well on the playground today, good for you!” “You chose to complete that assignment, that’s a good choice!” Be positive when you can.
DO NOT ACCEPT POOR MANNERS OR INCOHERENT SPEECH. The child must say “May I please be excused to use the restroom?” Not, “I gotta pee”. And, yes, they will often wet themselves rather than ask appropriately–just to upset you and make you think you’re responsible for making them stand there too long. Say, ”I see that you wet yourself. That must not feel very good.” Then, just go back to whatever you were doing. He might feel embarrassment, or even just the discomfort that is a NATURAL CONSEQUENCE of his choice to wet himself, rather than ask for excuse to the restroom properly. Feel free to not respond to slurred or incoherent speech. The child will learn she cannot manipulate you into asking for a repetition or clarification. If you feel you must, tell the childthat you will not be able to hear him until he makes the choice to speak clearly and then turn your attention elsewhere. The child should say, “Yes, Miss Janice.” “No, Mr. Sayers.” “Yeah,” and “Nope,” and “I don’t know,” are no longer part of the child in therapy’s vocabulary – do not tolerate them in your classroom, they are disrespectful.
This NATURAL CONSEQUENCES thing is important. Do not permit this child to control your behavior by threatening to throw a tantrum–instead, let him, out in the hallway or in another room. Say, “You can have your tantrum here if you choose to.” If she is wetting her pants–instead, let her, and then make her clean up any puddles or stains. Say, ”I see you’ve wet the rug, here is a rag and bucket to clean it up” If he is puttering around doing his own thing when it delays the class’ departure for a planned activity, say, ”I see you’ve chosen to fool around rather than get ready to go, you can wait here in the supervisor’s office until we get back”.
Time-outs do not work for these children – they want to isolate themselves from others. Bring the child near the activity he has had to be removed from and have them stand with you, or sit in a chair along side you. It’s called a “TIME-IN”. If you can take the time, speak quietly about how much fun the other children are having and how sad it is that she cannot join in right now. No raised voices, no anger. Don’t lose your temper if you can avoid it, remember he is manipulating you to do just that. If you are going to ‘lose it’, seek assistance from another adult until you are back in control.
DO NOT SYMPATHIZE with this child. Feeling sorry for her will only give her power over you, usurp your role as teacher, and prevent you from being effective in your role. Remain consistent in your expectations, do not lower them for this child. The child with RAD has even more to learn than ‘normal’ kids.
SUPPORT THE PARENTS. The child who is losing control at home and in the classroom because folks are ‘on to him’ will get a whole lot worse before he gets better. Listen appropriately. Always redirect this child to her parents for choices, hugs, decision-making and sharing of information that you believe is either not true or is designed to shock or manipulate you. Follow up with the parents.
REMAIN CALM AND IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF. No matter what she does today. If she manages to upset you, she is in control, not you. Remove yourself or the child from the situation until you are able to cope.
AVOID BEING ALONE WITH THIS CHILD. They learn, shockingly early in life for some of them, that such situations can be manipulated into abuse claims for which there is no “witness”.
If your classroom is out-of-control because of this child, get help. Although many schools and school districts already use our parenting materials and resources, many school counselors, and administrators have not yet had exposure to the RAD diagnosis or how to handle it in schools. There are many resources available. Don’t give up! These children are inventive, manipulative, and very much in need of everything you can offer to help them get healthy. Remind the child that you will be speaking with her parents on a regular basis. Report to the child’s home as often as you can without feeling burdened by the effort. Expect notes to be destroyed. Use the phone. If you do not get a response to written communication and the parents seem to be out of touch with general information, do not blame them. Chances are they never got the message, never saw the right number of papers and have no clue what is going on because that is just how the child likes it. It takes control from the parent. Give it back by communicating directly whenever possible.
This child can, and will be helped to get healthy. And, you can be a part of that process with the right tools. Keep in touch with the family. Remember that what you see in school is only the tip of the iceberg – family life is terribly threatening to these children and what the parents have to deal with every day is nearly unimaginable to other uninformed adults. Blaming the family or failing to communicate with them adds to the dysfunction and puts the child at greater risk of never getting healthy. This child is learning in therapy to be respectful, responsible and fun to be around. It will take time, it will be an effort, if in the end it is successful, it will be because the adults in her life were consistent and the child decided to work in therapy.
Your contribution as his teacher cannot be underestimated or undervalued! His parents will be grateful for the support, and the therapist will have fewer inconsistent venues to sort out while helping the child to heal.
Used with permission from the author.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
School Fun
Have I ever mentioned how thankful I am that I don't feel like I have to home school?
Well, I am. Just in case you forgot.
Hulogous kudos to those of you who do home school. I fully respect you for doing that and still loving your children on top of it! It's hard enough for me to help out with the dreaded math facts and the reading with out pulling my hair out.
It's totally my problem. Totally.
My daughter cannot help the fact that school just simply doesn't click for her. She loves school. However, it isn't easy. Even in first grade.
I'm trying not to think about the year when she starts algebra. Or even long division.
Maybe til that point it'll all make sense.
I can only hope.
School was never overly difficult for me. I think that has a bearing on my attitude toward helping Addie. I mean, how many different ways can you explain how to figure out the answer to 3+1? Come ON! Just get it already.
Patience is definitely NOT my strong point. In fact, patience could easily be classified as one of my weakest points. Sad but true. I desperately need to work on that fact.
So. Addie is loving school even though it's very difficult for her. May it continue.
Will? Hmmmm.
He finally is enjoying it. Most of the time. I think.
He only loses three of his five fish most days. To my knowledge he's never lost them all.
He has missed only one day so far due to pure stubbornness before ever leaving home. Who knew that giving the dogs their water could take 1 1/2 hours and thus result in missing the 'bus'?
Well, apparently that job is terribly difficult.
The 'bus' left and he stood by the barn screaming until the 'bus' returned home again. (And no. He wasn't home alone. Jason was still here that morning.)
The bummer is that all that work he didn't accomplish on the day he stayed home got sent home on his next day back. Guess what we're doing right now?!
He doesn't like to do his school work any better at home than he likes to do it at school.
In the words of his teacher..."The honeymoon is over". His poor teachers.
The attitude toward authority is starting to show. The flops are coming out. The defiant tilt of the head has appeared.
It could be a long year. OR he may decide that the battle is futile and choose to change his attitude.
We can only hope.
Well, I am. Just in case you forgot.
Hulogous kudos to those of you who do home school. I fully respect you for doing that and still loving your children on top of it! It's hard enough for me to help out with the dreaded math facts and the reading with out pulling my hair out.
It's totally my problem. Totally.
My daughter cannot help the fact that school just simply doesn't click for her. She loves school. However, it isn't easy. Even in first grade.
I'm trying not to think about the year when she starts algebra. Or even long division.
Maybe til that point it'll all make sense.
I can only hope.
School was never overly difficult for me. I think that has a bearing on my attitude toward helping Addie. I mean, how many different ways can you explain how to figure out the answer to 3+1? Come ON! Just get it already.
Patience is definitely NOT my strong point. In fact, patience could easily be classified as one of my weakest points. Sad but true. I desperately need to work on that fact.
So. Addie is loving school even though it's very difficult for her. May it continue.
Will? Hmmmm.
He finally is enjoying it. Most of the time. I think.
He only loses three of his five fish most days. To my knowledge he's never lost them all.
He has missed only one day so far due to pure stubbornness before ever leaving home. Who knew that giving the dogs their water could take 1 1/2 hours and thus result in missing the 'bus'?
Well, apparently that job is terribly difficult.
The 'bus' left and he stood by the barn screaming until the 'bus' returned home again. (And no. He wasn't home alone. Jason was still here that morning.)
The bummer is that all that work he didn't accomplish on the day he stayed home got sent home on his next day back. Guess what we're doing right now?!
He doesn't like to do his school work any better at home than he likes to do it at school.
In the words of his teacher..."The honeymoon is over". His poor teachers.
The attitude toward authority is starting to show. The flops are coming out. The defiant tilt of the head has appeared.
It could be a long year. OR he may decide that the battle is futile and choose to change his attitude.
We can only hope.
Monday, September 24, 2012
So How's It Going?
It totally depends on the day.
Or perhaps the hour.
Or perhaps the minute.
Or even the second.
Our five year old son can flip his switch from happy to flopping-on-the-floor-angry in a matter of seconds.
It's actually kind of entertaining to watch. In a very sad sort of way.
So how is it going, you ask. What is happening?
For the past month (at least) the flopping has been fake. Oh, trust me, the flopping is real, but the 'anger' behind the flopping is fake.
How can we tell that? When a child is flopping like a fish on the floor, screaming and kicking, and then looks at you across the room and grins...you know the 'anger' is fake.
When said child is sent to sit on his bed for a little to cool off and he manages to do just that without breaking his windows or knocking holes in his walls....you know the 'anger' is now fake.
When the same child is able to sit strong in a matter of seconds (or even minutes) rather than flopping on the floor for two hours...you know the 'anger' is now fake.
We're on to kicking bad habits to the curb.
He's learned that we love him NO MATTER WHAT.
He's learned that breaking a window elicits no adverse reaction from mom OR dad...just makes it so he has to do some jobs to pay for the broken window.
He's learned that dinging up a wall or ceiling with a belt buckle just earns a grin and a "Good deal!! You can learn to patch holes and paint!!!"
He's learned that tearing holes in his blankets simply means that he has to do a little something for mommy..perhaps a backrub or two since she had to bend over so far getting into the attic to dig out another blanket.
He's learned that knocking a hole in the kitchen wall with his head not only causes a headache, but also results in practicing his hole patching skills.
But the main thing he's learned is still that WE LOVE HIM. He is our son and nothing he does can change that fact.
Spending the night in respite taught him that we will come back for him if we can. Of course, we can't promise that we will always return, but we can promise that as long as we're able, we will be here for him.
It's not just Will who has learned something. Not at all.
We as his parents have likely learned more than he has.
What all have we learned?
1. It works far better to stay calm with a smiling face (including the eyes) when your house is being destroyed than it does to fly off the handle. While that totally goes against the grain, we had to learn that healing our son was/is far more important than our things. No. We have definitely not perfected this skill as we are human and this destructive stuff is not our idea of acceptable, but we have found that taking it in stride is far better than flying off the handle.
2. It is easier to ask questions than it is to give orders. For example, rather than saying "Get back on your rug" (which is actually employing WALTER) it's better to say, "Where are you supposed to be?" Rather than using up my brain space, use up theirs. 99% of the time, our children totally know what they were asked to do...and just like to hear us use our words. They just like to get us worked up about something that really isn't our problem. If Will wants to spend two hours trying to get on his chair, more power to him. At least I know right where he's at!
3. It is easier to tell my child to take her plate to the other table (or another room) to finish eating than it is to remind at every meal to "chew with your mouth closed". Yes, she rolls her eyes (and then gets to do 10 fantastic eye rolls for me as practice in case there is ever an eye rolling contest at the fair) and marches off with an attitude...but if asked why she's being sent somewhere to finish her meal she knows right off.
4. It is far more fun to parent with a smile on my face than it is to parent with a perpetual frown on my face. While that should have been a no-brainer, it took me some time to figure that out. How sad. I could blame it all on the antics of our five year old, but honestly? I think it was simply an attitude issue in me. I had lost sight of the goal of being a parent (to raise our children to love and serve Jesus) and became one of 'those' parents. The kind who was impossible to please. The kind who harped non-stop and forgot to offer hugs and smiles. The kind who was far from nurturing. With the help of Jesus, that has changed. PRAISE THE LORD!!! Some days I feel myself slipping right back into my old habits...but the bad habits are changing right along with Will's bad habits.
5. It is easier to stay calm when you pray before reacting. Duh.
6. It is HARD to have a child with RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Very hard. I know. It's hard to have children, period. We've had so many people say, "I know exactly what you're going through. Why, just yesterday...." I know. Our children are 'normal' and do 'normal' child things too. I don't consider ripping the soles off brand new shoes 'normal'. I don't consider banging holes in the ceiling and walls with a belt 'normal'. I don't consider throwing rocks at brand new puppies "just to see if I could kill them" 'normal'. I don't consider knocking a hole in the kitchen wall with my head 'normal'. I don't consider beating on the bedroom door hard enough to knock the quarter round off 'normal'. I don't consider breaking a window and then using the glass shards to shred a blanket 'normal'.
I say none of this to elicit sympathy. It's a part of our family life and there MUST be a reason that God is allowing it to happen.
I say it because it's simply hard to have a child who appears normal to everyone around...but saves the destructive, horrible behavior for the family. Most people around us see only a cute little five year old who dearly loves his mommy and daddy and freely gives out hugs...in public. Most people see only a happy, smiling, energetic, funny five year old boy. Most people see a child who says 'Yes, Mommy' in a very respectful, cute manner.
And isn't that the way we all are wired? We tend to save the good behavior for when we go to church or to town or to any place where there will be other people. The 'bad' behavior? It's reserved for only those whom we love the most.
How terribly sad. How hypocritical.
So that's where we're at. We are seeing far more good days now. I actually don't remember the last time he totally destroyed something. Praise the Lord!! Sure we still have concerns as some days it feels as if we're moving backward rather than forward, but we have faith that God WILL heal our children.
Yes, I said children. Addie is still dealing with this whole baby thing in ways that have shocked us. She is struggling big time with the fact that her birth mommy didn't care for her as I care for Ty. This morning she finally opened up to us and we were able to reassure her in her fears.
And then there's Jack. We wonder frequently if that behavior is 'normal' or if we're dealing with some RAD in him, too. We fret and stew.
And we always come back to the fact that all we can do is pray. And parent therapeutically. And trust God for the outcome.
Cause really? In the end that's all we can do. Trust God with our children. We mess up. We make huge mistakes in our parenting. But at the end of the day, we know that God is able to restore our children.
HE and HE alone can heal their little brains.
Or perhaps the hour.
Or perhaps the minute.
Or even the second.
Our five year old son can flip his switch from happy to flopping-on-the-floor-angry in a matter of seconds.
It's actually kind of entertaining to watch. In a very sad sort of way.
So how is it going, you ask. What is happening?
For the past month (at least) the flopping has been fake. Oh, trust me, the flopping is real, but the 'anger' behind the flopping is fake.
How can we tell that? When a child is flopping like a fish on the floor, screaming and kicking, and then looks at you across the room and grins...you know the 'anger' is fake.
When said child is sent to sit on his bed for a little to cool off and he manages to do just that without breaking his windows or knocking holes in his walls....you know the 'anger' is now fake.
When the same child is able to sit strong in a matter of seconds (or even minutes) rather than flopping on the floor for two hours...you know the 'anger' is now fake.
We're on to kicking bad habits to the curb.
He's learned that we love him NO MATTER WHAT.
He's learned that breaking a window elicits no adverse reaction from mom OR dad...just makes it so he has to do some jobs to pay for the broken window.
He's learned that dinging up a wall or ceiling with a belt buckle just earns a grin and a "Good deal!! You can learn to patch holes and paint!!!"
He's learned that tearing holes in his blankets simply means that he has to do a little something for mommy..perhaps a backrub or two since she had to bend over so far getting into the attic to dig out another blanket.
He's learned that knocking a hole in the kitchen wall with his head not only causes a headache, but also results in practicing his hole patching skills.
But the main thing he's learned is still that WE LOVE HIM. He is our son and nothing he does can change that fact.
Spending the night in respite taught him that we will come back for him if we can. Of course, we can't promise that we will always return, but we can promise that as long as we're able, we will be here for him.
It's not just Will who has learned something. Not at all.
We as his parents have likely learned more than he has.
What all have we learned?
1. It works far better to stay calm with a smiling face (including the eyes) when your house is being destroyed than it does to fly off the handle. While that totally goes against the grain, we had to learn that healing our son was/is far more important than our things. No. We have definitely not perfected this skill as we are human and this destructive stuff is not our idea of acceptable, but we have found that taking it in stride is far better than flying off the handle.
2. It is easier to ask questions than it is to give orders. For example, rather than saying "Get back on your rug" (which is actually employing WALTER) it's better to say, "Where are you supposed to be?" Rather than using up my brain space, use up theirs. 99% of the time, our children totally know what they were asked to do...and just like to hear us use our words. They just like to get us worked up about something that really isn't our problem. If Will wants to spend two hours trying to get on his chair, more power to him. At least I know right where he's at!
3. It is easier to tell my child to take her plate to the other table (or another room) to finish eating than it is to remind at every meal to "chew with your mouth closed". Yes, she rolls her eyes (and then gets to do 10 fantastic eye rolls for me as practice in case there is ever an eye rolling contest at the fair) and marches off with an attitude...but if asked why she's being sent somewhere to finish her meal she knows right off.
4. It is far more fun to parent with a smile on my face than it is to parent with a perpetual frown on my face. While that should have been a no-brainer, it took me some time to figure that out. How sad. I could blame it all on the antics of our five year old, but honestly? I think it was simply an attitude issue in me. I had lost sight of the goal of being a parent (to raise our children to love and serve Jesus) and became one of 'those' parents. The kind who was impossible to please. The kind who harped non-stop and forgot to offer hugs and smiles. The kind who was far from nurturing. With the help of Jesus, that has changed. PRAISE THE LORD!!! Some days I feel myself slipping right back into my old habits...but the bad habits are changing right along with Will's bad habits.
5. It is easier to stay calm when you pray before reacting. Duh.
6. It is HARD to have a child with RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Very hard. I know. It's hard to have children, period. We've had so many people say, "I know exactly what you're going through. Why, just yesterday...." I know. Our children are 'normal' and do 'normal' child things too. I don't consider ripping the soles off brand new shoes 'normal'. I don't consider banging holes in the ceiling and walls with a belt 'normal'. I don't consider throwing rocks at brand new puppies "just to see if I could kill them" 'normal'. I don't consider knocking a hole in the kitchen wall with my head 'normal'. I don't consider beating on the bedroom door hard enough to knock the quarter round off 'normal'. I don't consider breaking a window and then using the glass shards to shred a blanket 'normal'.
I say none of this to elicit sympathy. It's a part of our family life and there MUST be a reason that God is allowing it to happen.
I say it because it's simply hard to have a child who appears normal to everyone around...but saves the destructive, horrible behavior for the family. Most people around us see only a cute little five year old who dearly loves his mommy and daddy and freely gives out hugs...in public. Most people see only a happy, smiling, energetic, funny five year old boy. Most people see a child who says 'Yes, Mommy' in a very respectful, cute manner.
And isn't that the way we all are wired? We tend to save the good behavior for when we go to church or to town or to any place where there will be other people. The 'bad' behavior? It's reserved for only those whom we love the most.
How terribly sad. How hypocritical.
So that's where we're at. We are seeing far more good days now. I actually don't remember the last time he totally destroyed something. Praise the Lord!! Sure we still have concerns as some days it feels as if we're moving backward rather than forward, but we have faith that God WILL heal our children.
Yes, I said children. Addie is still dealing with this whole baby thing in ways that have shocked us. She is struggling big time with the fact that her birth mommy didn't care for her as I care for Ty. This morning she finally opened up to us and we were able to reassure her in her fears.
And then there's Jack. We wonder frequently if that behavior is 'normal' or if we're dealing with some RAD in him, too. We fret and stew.
And we always come back to the fact that all we can do is pray. And parent therapeutically. And trust God for the outcome.
Cause really? In the end that's all we can do. Trust God with our children. We mess up. We make huge mistakes in our parenting. But at the end of the day, we know that God is able to restore our children.
HE and HE alone can heal their little brains.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Growing Up
This little guy that we call a baby around here?
Well.
He's growing up on us.
He had his first cold this past week...and really didn't care for it at all.
He's starting to try lifting his head when he's lying on his tummy. And before you start fretting, he only lays on his tummy when Mommy is right beside him and only when he's not sleeping.
Unless he rolls over and ends up on his tummy.
A fact that freaks his mommy out.
He's sleeping about five hours each night before screeching for some food. Still hitting his pillow (totally a figure of speech) about midnight (LOVELY)....but at least he's letting me sleep for five whole hours after that.
He's smiling on a regular basis. Especially at his Daddy.
He's growing up on us.
He was to the doctor today and tipped the scales at 13lbs. 6oz.
No wonder my back and shoulders ache.
He doesn't care to lie down in my arms like a baby. He's much to big for that, of course. Only slung over the shoulder will do.
He's much loved and much attached to his mommy....the first time EVER that a child who has been in our family for a mere seven weeks has been attached. :)
Praise the Lord!!
Well.
He's growing up on us.
He had his first cold this past week...and really didn't care for it at all.
He's starting to try lifting his head when he's lying on his tummy. And before you start fretting, he only lays on his tummy when Mommy is right beside him and only when he's not sleeping.
Unless he rolls over and ends up on his tummy.
A fact that freaks his mommy out.
He's sleeping about five hours each night before screeching for some food. Still hitting his pillow (totally a figure of speech) about midnight (LOVELY)....but at least he's letting me sleep for five whole hours after that.
He's smiling on a regular basis. Especially at his Daddy.
He's growing up on us.
He was to the doctor today and tipped the scales at 13lbs. 6oz.
No wonder my back and shoulders ache.
He doesn't care to lie down in my arms like a baby. He's much to big for that, of course. Only slung over the shoulder will do.
He's much loved and much attached to his mommy....the first time EVER that a child who has been in our family for a mere seven weeks has been attached. :)
Praise the Lord!!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Grab a Cup of Coffee
For the past couple weeks I've been thinking that I should do a quick update. You know, just a little bit of news from the chaotic household that we call our family.
It hasn't happened.
Somehow the days are seeming to run into each other and before I know it another week has disappeared. And more news has stacked up. Which means that it's likely to be a LONG update rather than a quick one.
Sorry about that.
Life is moving on.
We're still receiving meals three times a week from our wonderful church family. Seriously. Ty is now a little over six weeks old and we're still getting ready to eat meals every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I feel beyond spoiled. I'm a little embarrassed. There are so many people who need it far worse than we do....but I have to admit that it has been very, very nice. But no matter how nice it has been, I do still feel a little odd about it. Thank you, thank you, thank you to the many who have blessed us in this way.
---------------
School started. Hallelujah. Sometimes I start to feel a tad guilty about being so happy to see my children heading off to school three mornings a week, but then reality strikes again. I tried that home-schooling thing. And I greatly disliked it. Greatly. My children would hate me and I'd likely hate them if I were to try it again. It helps that we love the school they are attending. A small Christian school that is walking distance from our house. When you consider the fact we live in the country and there aren't an abundance of houses around, I consider it somewhat of a miracle to have a school that we like within walking distance.
Addie started school the day after Labor Day. (Will was supposed to, but we'll touch that later. :) ) She LOVES it. Except for the fact that she can't talk non-stop all day as she got used to doing over the summer. She's paying for that fact tomorrow. First break for her will be spent sitting on the sidelines while her classmates run around. Oops. Her teacher told her that warnings are over. She also struggles with serious nosiness issues...and that is causing a few minor problems...but overall it's going much, much better than it did last year. Maybe it's just cause it's first grade...cause our kindergartner is struggling. :)
I had no idea that kindergarten could be so stressful.
Will started school the day after it officially started. We had made the mistake of telling him that if he wasn't 'strong' when school started he wouldn't be able to go. Things were going decently well with him until we got to about the one week countdown before school started.
Then he ramped things up. Bigtime.
We didn't know if we would send him to school or not until Labor Day.
He made a mistake. A big one. He informed me that he couldn't go to school unless he was strong. We discussed that a little bit, and it finally came out that he was scared to go to school. In other words, he figured out that if he acted weak (threw fits, refused to do his jobs, etc.) that he would not have to go to school...which he deemed scary.
Works in theory, but we quickly vetoed that plan.
He went to school. And, bad mom that I am, I forgot to take the camera with me. Maybe one of these days I'll remember it....
After his first day, I asked him how he liked it. His words? "School is a DRAG. My teacher makes me listen, too."
Yay for awesome teachers!!!
The second day he did okay. Caused a few issues with another little fella in his class, but nothing too serious.
The third day was fair.
The fourth day. Today. Oh my. His true colors are showing. He respectfully refused to do his school work.
At least he was respectful about it. :)
He colored on his desk rather than in his book. He didn't want to trace the circles. He did nothing....rather than doing his work.
So. It came home with him. Who ever heard of a kindergartner having lots of homework?!
I dreaded our afternoon and evening. It really wasn't too bad. He sat at the table for about three hours coloring and taking swigs of the fish oil that was sitting in front of him. Yum. Is too much fish oil a bad thing?! I don't really know how much he drank before I caught him, but he appears to be acting normal, so I guess I won't be too worried.
Anyway. For three hours he sat and colored and traced circles. I knew right where he was. Pretty easy. :)
Amazingly enough, he did get all the work done and I was able to sign his homework slip.
So that's how school is going for him. There is definitely room for improvement. :)
(Not too many pictures of Will right now. It's hard to snap photos of a child who seems to have a constant frown on his face.)
-------------
Jack is in fine three old form. He bucks nearly every request...part of it is normal toddler stuff and the rest is a direct result of watching is idol (Will) flop around much of the day. It's hard to know what to do. When Will flops around we ignore him. He figures out on his own that it's not getting him anywhere.
Is Jack old enough to logically figure that out? I really think he is, but then start feeling bad because he's really just a product of his environment. Sad.
-------------
Ty is doing great. He's growing like a weed and I would guess him to be around 12 pounds. Not such a tiny baby anymore.
He's still keeping me up late many nights and waking once to eat, but he's such a happy little guy that I really can't complain.
Sleep is overrated. :)
A typical night he's finally in bed about 11:00-12:00, up at 2:30-3:00 to eat, and up again about 5:30-6:00. He's usually awake much of the morning, takes a nice long nap in the afternoon and up for the evening.
He's really developed a liking to a pacifier, which is absolutely lovely. I really would prefer that he suck his thumb, but at least the paci has stopped the fussy evenings. And nights.
-------------
Harvest started tonight. Jason is often home to pick up his supper which is great considering that means I don't have to pack supper and four children in the van and head off to the field.
-------------
And now on to the topic that has been occupying my mind quite a bit in the past six weeks. Until we went to Colorado, I had no idea just how much a baby is impacted for the rest of his/her life while still in the womb. No clue.
Since Ty was born, I've compared him with our other three probably more than I should, but it's made me more compassionate for them.
For example. You know how babies of mothers who smoke are often smaller? There's a reason. Sometime back researchers inserted a camera into a mothers tummy to see what happens to the baby when the mom smokes.
The baby knew even when the mom THOUGHT about getting a cigarette out. Just the thought. Wow.
But when the mom actually lit up? The baby would tighten the muscles around the umbilical cord and curl up as tightly as possible in an attempt to keep the nicotine from entering his/her body. The camera showed the baby's face all screwed up as if he/she was in severe pain.
Babies of mothers who smoke learn in the womb to protect themselves.
Alcohol does serious damage too, as we all know. A baby born to a mom who drinks will have a brain that resembles swiss cheese. Of course, the more that is consumed the greater the damage on the baby.
We know that at least one of our children's birth-moms smoked. And at least one of them drank.
Our children were taught from before birth that they would have to take care of themselves. Then they were placed in an orphanage...two at birth and one a year after birth after severe neglect...where they were taught even more to fend for themselves.
Is it any wonder that they have some struggles? Is it any wonder that it is so hard for them to believe that we are here to stay? Is it any wonder that they are so extremely independent?
If I could just remember that when I am frustrated...
Our children are 'normal' children with lots of extra baggage. They are 'normal' children with histories that I cannot even fathom. They are 'normal' children attempting to work through issues that I as a thirty year old adult had never really considered until they joined our family four years ago.
It's hard for me now to put Ty down, even to take a nap. I lay him in his crib to sleep and feel like I'm acting like an orphanage caregiver. I put him in his bouncy seat and struggle walking away from him for fear that he may feel abandoned. He rides in the Ergo much of the day and sleeps in a bed right beside ours all night.
I don't call him spoiled, I call him cared for and well loved. Two things that none of our other children experienced until they were 3 1/2, 21 months, and 17 months. What a sad world we live in.
------------
I forgot. Jack celebrated his third birthday way back in August. He didn't even know it was his birthday until the morning of, and even then it was severely downplayed this year. Not on purpose. Life got in the way. Thankfully, I had remembered it for a split second while in town the week before so he did get a small gift.
No exciting decorated cake, though. I had good intentions, but they just didn't pan out. Instead we made a special trip to Dairy Queen and purchased a most delicious ice cream cake.
Thankfully he didn't remember his birthday from last year and the lack of planning didn't seem to affect him too much. :)
------------
And one final thing. Addie and Will have completed their second week of therapeutic horseback riding. I don't know how or if it'll work, but supposedly riding a horse is super therapy for a child/adult with emotional setbacks. For the next eight weeks, every Tuesday night we'll be watching them ride a horse.
Addie is on Clay.
Will is on Tommy Girl.
Both of them love it. Dearly.
We fear that someday we'll have to buy a horse.
------------
The end. Our lives are now up to date in the blog world. Except I just remembered that we went camping (for one night) over Labor Day weekend. I'll spare you the details.
I'm too tired to type any more...and Ty will be screeching for his bedtime snack anytime now.
It hasn't happened.
Somehow the days are seeming to run into each other and before I know it another week has disappeared. And more news has stacked up. Which means that it's likely to be a LONG update rather than a quick one.
Sorry about that.
Life is moving on.
We're still receiving meals three times a week from our wonderful church family. Seriously. Ty is now a little over six weeks old and we're still getting ready to eat meals every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I feel beyond spoiled. I'm a little embarrassed. There are so many people who need it far worse than we do....but I have to admit that it has been very, very nice. But no matter how nice it has been, I do still feel a little odd about it. Thank you, thank you, thank you to the many who have blessed us in this way.
---------------
School started. Hallelujah. Sometimes I start to feel a tad guilty about being so happy to see my children heading off to school three mornings a week, but then reality strikes again. I tried that home-schooling thing. And I greatly disliked it. Greatly. My children would hate me and I'd likely hate them if I were to try it again. It helps that we love the school they are attending. A small Christian school that is walking distance from our house. When you consider the fact we live in the country and there aren't an abundance of houses around, I consider it somewhat of a miracle to have a school that we like within walking distance.
Addie started school the day after Labor Day. (Will was supposed to, but we'll touch that later. :) ) She LOVES it. Except for the fact that she can't talk non-stop all day as she got used to doing over the summer. She's paying for that fact tomorrow. First break for her will be spent sitting on the sidelines while her classmates run around. Oops. Her teacher told her that warnings are over. She also struggles with serious nosiness issues...and that is causing a few minor problems...but overall it's going much, much better than it did last year. Maybe it's just cause it's first grade...cause our kindergartner is struggling. :)
I had no idea that kindergarten could be so stressful.
Will started school the day after it officially started. We had made the mistake of telling him that if he wasn't 'strong' when school started he wouldn't be able to go. Things were going decently well with him until we got to about the one week countdown before school started.
Then he ramped things up. Bigtime.
We didn't know if we would send him to school or not until Labor Day.
He made a mistake. A big one. He informed me that he couldn't go to school unless he was strong. We discussed that a little bit, and it finally came out that he was scared to go to school. In other words, he figured out that if he acted weak (threw fits, refused to do his jobs, etc.) that he would not have to go to school...which he deemed scary.
Works in theory, but we quickly vetoed that plan.
He went to school. And, bad mom that I am, I forgot to take the camera with me. Maybe one of these days I'll remember it....
After his first day, I asked him how he liked it. His words? "School is a DRAG. My teacher makes me listen, too."
Yay for awesome teachers!!!
The second day he did okay. Caused a few issues with another little fella in his class, but nothing too serious.
The third day was fair.
The fourth day. Today. Oh my. His true colors are showing. He respectfully refused to do his school work.
At least he was respectful about it. :)
He colored on his desk rather than in his book. He didn't want to trace the circles. He did nothing....rather than doing his work.
So. It came home with him. Who ever heard of a kindergartner having lots of homework?!
I dreaded our afternoon and evening. It really wasn't too bad. He sat at the table for about three hours coloring and taking swigs of the fish oil that was sitting in front of him. Yum. Is too much fish oil a bad thing?! I don't really know how much he drank before I caught him, but he appears to be acting normal, so I guess I won't be too worried.
Anyway. For three hours he sat and colored and traced circles. I knew right where he was. Pretty easy. :)
Amazingly enough, he did get all the work done and I was able to sign his homework slip.
So that's how school is going for him. There is definitely room for improvement. :)
(Not too many pictures of Will right now. It's hard to snap photos of a child who seems to have a constant frown on his face.)
-------------
Jack is in fine three old form. He bucks nearly every request...part of it is normal toddler stuff and the rest is a direct result of watching is idol (Will) flop around much of the day. It's hard to know what to do. When Will flops around we ignore him. He figures out on his own that it's not getting him anywhere.
Is Jack old enough to logically figure that out? I really think he is, but then start feeling bad because he's really just a product of his environment. Sad.
-------------
Ty is doing great. He's growing like a weed and I would guess him to be around 12 pounds. Not such a tiny baby anymore.
He's still keeping me up late many nights and waking once to eat, but he's such a happy little guy that I really can't complain.
Sleep is overrated. :)
A typical night he's finally in bed about 11:00-12:00, up at 2:30-3:00 to eat, and up again about 5:30-6:00. He's usually awake much of the morning, takes a nice long nap in the afternoon and up for the evening.
He's really developed a liking to a pacifier, which is absolutely lovely. I really would prefer that he suck his thumb, but at least the paci has stopped the fussy evenings. And nights.
-------------
Harvest started tonight. Jason is often home to pick up his supper which is great considering that means I don't have to pack supper and four children in the van and head off to the field.
-------------
And now on to the topic that has been occupying my mind quite a bit in the past six weeks. Until we went to Colorado, I had no idea just how much a baby is impacted for the rest of his/her life while still in the womb. No clue.
Since Ty was born, I've compared him with our other three probably more than I should, but it's made me more compassionate for them.
For example. You know how babies of mothers who smoke are often smaller? There's a reason. Sometime back researchers inserted a camera into a mothers tummy to see what happens to the baby when the mom smokes.
The baby knew even when the mom THOUGHT about getting a cigarette out. Just the thought. Wow.
But when the mom actually lit up? The baby would tighten the muscles around the umbilical cord and curl up as tightly as possible in an attempt to keep the nicotine from entering his/her body. The camera showed the baby's face all screwed up as if he/she was in severe pain.
Babies of mothers who smoke learn in the womb to protect themselves.
Alcohol does serious damage too, as we all know. A baby born to a mom who drinks will have a brain that resembles swiss cheese. Of course, the more that is consumed the greater the damage on the baby.
We know that at least one of our children's birth-moms smoked. And at least one of them drank.
Our children were taught from before birth that they would have to take care of themselves. Then they were placed in an orphanage...two at birth and one a year after birth after severe neglect...where they were taught even more to fend for themselves.
Is it any wonder that they have some struggles? Is it any wonder that it is so hard for them to believe that we are here to stay? Is it any wonder that they are so extremely independent?
If I could just remember that when I am frustrated...
Our children are 'normal' children with lots of extra baggage. They are 'normal' children with histories that I cannot even fathom. They are 'normal' children attempting to work through issues that I as a thirty year old adult had never really considered until they joined our family four years ago.
It's hard for me now to put Ty down, even to take a nap. I lay him in his crib to sleep and feel like I'm acting like an orphanage caregiver. I put him in his bouncy seat and struggle walking away from him for fear that he may feel abandoned. He rides in the Ergo much of the day and sleeps in a bed right beside ours all night.
I don't call him spoiled, I call him cared for and well loved. Two things that none of our other children experienced until they were 3 1/2, 21 months, and 17 months. What a sad world we live in.
------------
I forgot. Jack celebrated his third birthday way back in August. He didn't even know it was his birthday until the morning of, and even then it was severely downplayed this year. Not on purpose. Life got in the way. Thankfully, I had remembered it for a split second while in town the week before so he did get a small gift.
No exciting decorated cake, though. I had good intentions, but they just didn't pan out. Instead we made a special trip to Dairy Queen and purchased a most delicious ice cream cake.
Thankfully he didn't remember his birthday from last year and the lack of planning didn't seem to affect him too much. :)
------------
And one final thing. Addie and Will have completed their second week of therapeutic horseback riding. I don't know how or if it'll work, but supposedly riding a horse is super therapy for a child/adult with emotional setbacks. For the next eight weeks, every Tuesday night we'll be watching them ride a horse.
Addie is on Clay.
Will is on Tommy Girl.
Both of them love it. Dearly.
We fear that someday we'll have to buy a horse.
------------
The end. Our lives are now up to date in the blog world. Except I just remembered that we went camping (for one night) over Labor Day weekend. I'll spare you the details.
I'm too tired to type any more...and Ty will be screeching for his bedtime snack anytime now.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Where Does Time Go?
Seriously? Two weeks have passed?
That means the bebe is now a little over three weeks old, the lovely three-nights-a-week-brought-to-us-by-kind-friends meals are abut to stop, and school starts in just a week.
That last point happens to be the one that I'm most excited about. Yes. I am one of THOSE moms. The kind of mom who loves her children dearly, but loves to see them walk out the door for another day at school as well. Loves to see them come home in the afternoon, but loves to have the peace and quiet with them gone all day...but with a baby and a three year old the peace and quiet may not be quite so quiet and peaceful.
Yep. That's me. Love them....but love them enough to send them away so we don't all strangle each other attempting to homeschool. And quite frankly? After the summer that we've had, I think I'm even more excited about school starting.
So. How's it going three weeks post baby? We'll start with the newest munchkin. Ty is doing pretty good for a new baby. The first two weeks he did beyond fabulous. He slept super duper all night...only waking once to eat. I was spoiled. And then week three arrived. Every night for the past near week he's woken roughly every 1 1/2 hours thinking he was starving. Til you feed a baby for 1/2 hour, get him burped, back to sleep, and tucked in bed? That doesn't leave much room for sleep.
And then there's been the few nights that he decided bedtime wasn't until 1:00-1:30. AM. For a mom who would love to get 12 hours of sleep a night, that schedule about did me in. Thankfully those late ones are few and far between.
He's eating like a trooper....which was evidenced by his whopping 10lb. 7oz. weight at the doctor today. Gaining nearly a pound a week. Not bad. He's getting chunky.
Our baby's not gonna be a baby for long, I fear.
The next child up, Jack, has developed an attitude that simply doesn't quit. It can be quite entertaining....though a tad annoying as well. His third birthday is today, so while part of the 'tude is his age, part of it is from watching his big brother's antics. Some days it's like having a mini Will running around. Fun.
Then we have Will. Dear, sweet Will. Where do I start?! Some days he is the sweetest little five year old boy this side of the Mississippi. And other days you wouldn't want to be anywhere in the neighborhood unless you particularly enjoy loud screaming neighborhood children. We are seeing improvement, though some days you'd have to remind me of that quite frequently. He's a real character.
The first weeks after our training on therapeutic parenting were beyond awful. We had a child who was filled with anger. Filled to the brim. Every time I talked to him was simply a reason for him to scream some obnoxious thing at me. His bedroom was nearly destroyed due to his fits of anger. His siblings were nearly destroyed due to his fits of anger. Not that he was hurting them physically (he didn't have the chance as he was kept far away from them at all times) but his constant anger hurt them emotionally more than I thought was possible.
I don't know if you read Jen Hatmaker's blog or not but she pretty much hits the nail on the head in much of her last post. To sum up how I've felt in the past couple months, I'm going to plug in some of her words...."The house is a disaster. Your bios are huddled up in the corner, begging grandparents to come rescue them. You can’t talk to anyone. Everyone is still beaming at you, asking: “Isn’t this the best thing?? Is this just the happiest time of your life?” You are starving for truth-tellers in adoption. You scour blogs and Yahoo groups, desperate for one morsel of truth, one brave person to say how hard this in and give you a shred of hope. You only find adorable pictures and cute stories, and you despair. You feel so alone. You’ve ruined your life. You’ve ruined your kids’ lives. Your marriage is doomed. Your adopted child hates you. You want to go back to that person pining away in the Pre-Stage and punch her in the liver."
While not all of that is spot on, much of it is. I've felt that our family is history. I've wondered if we're ever going to bring Addie and Jack back from the trauma that they have endured at the 'hands' of their brother. I've spent hours searching the internet trying to find just one other family who has dealt with issues like we have this summer.
Folks aren't overly honest, it seems. I feel pretty confident that we aren't the only family in the world who deals with a child who is beyond angry at life in general....but just try finding anything out there to make you feel as if you aren't all alone in the world. NO. I'm not having a pity party. It's simply the facts.
For some reason, adoptive families don't think that they can be honest. And I can understand that. After all, we CHOSE to bring these children into our home knowing that there could be issues. We've all heard the "well, he's adopted" saying...as if that phrase alone explains all issues.
Unfortunately, even bio children have some issues. Last I checked, nobody is perfect. :)
Many adoptive families don't feel they can state the truth about how hard adoption can be simply because it might place adoption in a bad light. It might discourage others from adopting. True. It might. But I'd rather that folks know the truth going into it rather than being broad sided two years down the road.
Folks? Adoption can be the hardest thing you've ever done. Once you get past the waiting stage, then you have to deal with all the grief the child carries with them into your home. Just imagine leaving all you've ever known in your life and being plopped into stranger's arms. Being told that they're going to love you forever. Yeah. Right. When you consider all the trauma our (anyone who has adopted) children have gone through in their short lives, it's no wonder that there are some issues that are less than pleasant.
I wonder how God views us....His adopted children. I wonder if He has to say at times, "well, she's adopted, of course there are issues". I wonder if He gets frustrated at my lack of trust in Him. I wonder if He wonders sometimes just what He's gotten into with adopting me.
Anyway. Will does seem to be improving, but it appears to be a long road ahead. We were told to expect one month of brain healing per year of the child's age. That would be roughly five months for Will. Five months of not going anywhere? Five months of having to get a respite caregiver if we do want to go somewhere. Five months of screaming? Five months of this stuff?
You have got to be kidding. That puts us at November. IF he follows the timeline...and what in our lives can simply follow a timeline?!
He seems to have come down from the anger stage and we're now full swing in the 'bad habit' stage. He is in such a habit of being a rascal who destroys things that it's terribly difficult for him to be happy and non-destructive. How do we know that it's mainly a habit? There's a huge difference between a child who is screaming from anger and a child who is screaming while smiling. Yep. It's getting pretty fake.
There is hope.
Then there is Addie. This new baby thing has thrown her a curve ball. She let it slip soon after he was born that she's jealous. She's jealous of Baby Ty. She wishes she had had a mommy to take care of her when she was a baby. She wishes she had had a mommy who fed her and hugged her and rocked her when she was sad. She wishes she had had a mommy who loved her. In her words, "I wish I had been a lucky baby like Ty is." How very sad to hear your seven year old saying things like that.
However, no matter how sad it is, we are getting a little frustrated at the infatuation with all things baby. I know it's a good thing for a little girl to love babies, but seriously? Do we have to try on diapers and suck on pacifiers?!
Anyway. She is doing pretty well, but is still struggling with talking to us. Trust is still a huge issue. It was so ingrained in her that she had to take care of herself that it's extremely difficult for her to believe that we as her parents can take care of her.
Which leads me to the next point. If there was a point to this at all. :)
Starting September 4th, our two eldest children are beginning therapeutic riding lessons. As in horse back riding. It was strongly recommended by our therapist...so here we go!! It will last for ten weeks, one evening a week. We're praying for the miracles that so often happen with riding a horse.
That means the bebe is now a little over three weeks old, the lovely three-nights-a-week-brought-to-us-by-kind-friends meals are abut to stop, and school starts in just a week.
That last point happens to be the one that I'm most excited about. Yes. I am one of THOSE moms. The kind of mom who loves her children dearly, but loves to see them walk out the door for another day at school as well. Loves to see them come home in the afternoon, but loves to have the peace and quiet with them gone all day...but with a baby and a three year old the peace and quiet may not be quite so quiet and peaceful.
Yep. That's me. Love them....but love them enough to send them away so we don't all strangle each other attempting to homeschool. And quite frankly? After the summer that we've had, I think I'm even more excited about school starting.
So. How's it going three weeks post baby? We'll start with the newest munchkin. Ty is doing pretty good for a new baby. The first two weeks he did beyond fabulous. He slept super duper all night...only waking once to eat. I was spoiled. And then week three arrived. Every night for the past near week he's woken roughly every 1 1/2 hours thinking he was starving. Til you feed a baby for 1/2 hour, get him burped, back to sleep, and tucked in bed? That doesn't leave much room for sleep.
And then there's been the few nights that he decided bedtime wasn't until 1:00-1:30. AM. For a mom who would love to get 12 hours of sleep a night, that schedule about did me in. Thankfully those late ones are few and far between.
He's eating like a trooper....which was evidenced by his whopping 10lb. 7oz. weight at the doctor today. Gaining nearly a pound a week. Not bad. He's getting chunky.
Our baby's not gonna be a baby for long, I fear.
The next child up, Jack, has developed an attitude that simply doesn't quit. It can be quite entertaining....though a tad annoying as well. His third birthday is today, so while part of the 'tude is his age, part of it is from watching his big brother's antics. Some days it's like having a mini Will running around. Fun.
Then we have Will. Dear, sweet Will. Where do I start?! Some days he is the sweetest little five year old boy this side of the Mississippi. And other days you wouldn't want to be anywhere in the neighborhood unless you particularly enjoy loud screaming neighborhood children. We are seeing improvement, though some days you'd have to remind me of that quite frequently. He's a real character.
The first weeks after our training on therapeutic parenting were beyond awful. We had a child who was filled with anger. Filled to the brim. Every time I talked to him was simply a reason for him to scream some obnoxious thing at me. His bedroom was nearly destroyed due to his fits of anger. His siblings were nearly destroyed due to his fits of anger. Not that he was hurting them physically (he didn't have the chance as he was kept far away from them at all times) but his constant anger hurt them emotionally more than I thought was possible.
I don't know if you read Jen Hatmaker's blog or not but she pretty much hits the nail on the head in much of her last post. To sum up how I've felt in the past couple months, I'm going to plug in some of her words...."The house is a disaster. Your bios are huddled up in the corner, begging grandparents to come rescue them. You can’t talk to anyone. Everyone is still beaming at you, asking: “Isn’t this the best thing?? Is this just the happiest time of your life?” You are starving for truth-tellers in adoption. You scour blogs and Yahoo groups, desperate for one morsel of truth, one brave person to say how hard this in and give you a shred of hope. You only find adorable pictures and cute stories, and you despair. You feel so alone. You’ve ruined your life. You’ve ruined your kids’ lives. Your marriage is doomed. Your adopted child hates you. You want to go back to that person pining away in the Pre-Stage and punch her in the liver."
While not all of that is spot on, much of it is. I've felt that our family is history. I've wondered if we're ever going to bring Addie and Jack back from the trauma that they have endured at the 'hands' of their brother. I've spent hours searching the internet trying to find just one other family who has dealt with issues like we have this summer.
Folks aren't overly honest, it seems. I feel pretty confident that we aren't the only family in the world who deals with a child who is beyond angry at life in general....but just try finding anything out there to make you feel as if you aren't all alone in the world. NO. I'm not having a pity party. It's simply the facts.
For some reason, adoptive families don't think that they can be honest. And I can understand that. After all, we CHOSE to bring these children into our home knowing that there could be issues. We've all heard the "well, he's adopted" saying...as if that phrase alone explains all issues.
Unfortunately, even bio children have some issues. Last I checked, nobody is perfect. :)
Many adoptive families don't feel they can state the truth about how hard adoption can be simply because it might place adoption in a bad light. It might discourage others from adopting. True. It might. But I'd rather that folks know the truth going into it rather than being broad sided two years down the road.
Folks? Adoption can be the hardest thing you've ever done. Once you get past the waiting stage, then you have to deal with all the grief the child carries with them into your home. Just imagine leaving all you've ever known in your life and being plopped into stranger's arms. Being told that they're going to love you forever. Yeah. Right. When you consider all the trauma our (anyone who has adopted) children have gone through in their short lives, it's no wonder that there are some issues that are less than pleasant.
I wonder how God views us....His adopted children. I wonder if He has to say at times, "well, she's adopted, of course there are issues". I wonder if He gets frustrated at my lack of trust in Him. I wonder if He wonders sometimes just what He's gotten into with adopting me.
Anyway. Will does seem to be improving, but it appears to be a long road ahead. We were told to expect one month of brain healing per year of the child's age. That would be roughly five months for Will. Five months of not going anywhere? Five months of having to get a respite caregiver if we do want to go somewhere. Five months of screaming? Five months of this stuff?
You have got to be kidding. That puts us at November. IF he follows the timeline...and what in our lives can simply follow a timeline?!
He seems to have come down from the anger stage and we're now full swing in the 'bad habit' stage. He is in such a habit of being a rascal who destroys things that it's terribly difficult for him to be happy and non-destructive. How do we know that it's mainly a habit? There's a huge difference between a child who is screaming from anger and a child who is screaming while smiling. Yep. It's getting pretty fake.
There is hope.
Then there is Addie. This new baby thing has thrown her a curve ball. She let it slip soon after he was born that she's jealous. She's jealous of Baby Ty. She wishes she had had a mommy to take care of her when she was a baby. She wishes she had had a mommy who fed her and hugged her and rocked her when she was sad. She wishes she had had a mommy who loved her. In her words, "I wish I had been a lucky baby like Ty is." How very sad to hear your seven year old saying things like that.
However, no matter how sad it is, we are getting a little frustrated at the infatuation with all things baby. I know it's a good thing for a little girl to love babies, but seriously? Do we have to try on diapers and suck on pacifiers?!
Anyway. She is doing pretty well, but is still struggling with talking to us. Trust is still a huge issue. It was so ingrained in her that she had to take care of herself that it's extremely difficult for her to believe that we as her parents can take care of her.
Which leads me to the next point. If there was a point to this at all. :)
Starting September 4th, our two eldest children are beginning therapeutic riding lessons. As in horse back riding. It was strongly recommended by our therapist...so here we go!! It will last for ten weeks, one evening a week. We're praying for the miracles that so often happen with riding a horse.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Eight Day Old News
On Monday, July 30th, I snapped this picture, not knowing that in less than 24 hours, the large tummy would be gone. Well, mostly, anyway.
On Tuesday, July 31st, at 11:13AM, we traded in the tummy....
For this.
A sweet, little, adorable 8lb. 3oz. bundle of boy.
I think I recall one of my first comments after his birth being... "It was easier to complete paperwork." :)
But then, I could be mistaken. It's all kind of a haze, that day is.
Things went well. The little fella, his name now switched from Baby George to Ty Evgeniy, came into the world with a screech. He's healthy. He's perfectly formed.
He's a miracle, through and through.
And yes, he has a 'different' middle name. Evgeniy (yev-GINN-ee) is a Russian name. We decided he had to have a Russian middle name to fit in with the rest of our children. His middle name was chosen in honor of one of Addie's brothers and one of Will's brothers...both of whom have the name Evgeniy.
Eight days later, I'm finally getting back on my feet. Call me lazy, I guess. Actually, some minor issues caused me to be a little set back in recovery, but we're on the mend again!
My mom has been here every day except Sunday and today...fixing food, caring for the older three children, keeping the house. Three nights we had ladies stay overnight to 'babysit' Ty so I could get a little rest. Thank God for willing family and friends.
The older three children are doing pretty good with our new addition. Well, two of them are doing great, and the third has had a setback...but appears to be improving. Addie loves having a baby around here. Though I fear she still would like to be the mom. :) Jack has adjusted fabulously...loving his Baby Dy dearly. Will was thrown into a tail spin, but seems to love the bebe dearly. It just gave him a little fuel for his fire...the fact that his mom is taking care of someone else simply gives him more reason to believe that his mom doesn't love him as much as she says she does.
We'll get through it....life is just a little hectic around this household right now. :)
I think my mom would agree. :)
And eight days later how is Ty doing? Superb. I don't think we could ask for a better baby. He goes to bed about 10:30, wakes to eat around 1:00, and again around 5:00. He snacks all day (lovely), spends several hours awake, just lying there looking around without making a peep. When he cries, I know it's time to eat again.
We're spoiled.
And he's growing. Today he weighed in at 8lb. 8oz. He gained back the four ounces he lost after birth and tacked an extra five ounces on top of that. I fear he won't be little for very long.
Praising Jesus for the four little blessings that have joined our family in the past four years....
On Tuesday, July 31st, at 11:13AM, we traded in the tummy....
For this.
A sweet, little, adorable 8lb. 3oz. bundle of boy.
I think I recall one of my first comments after his birth being... "It was easier to complete paperwork." :)
But then, I could be mistaken. It's all kind of a haze, that day is.
Things went well. The little fella, his name now switched from Baby George to Ty Evgeniy, came into the world with a screech. He's healthy. He's perfectly formed.
He's a miracle, through and through.
And yes, he has a 'different' middle name. Evgeniy (yev-GINN-ee) is a Russian name. We decided he had to have a Russian middle name to fit in with the rest of our children. His middle name was chosen in honor of one of Addie's brothers and one of Will's brothers...both of whom have the name Evgeniy.
Eight days later, I'm finally getting back on my feet. Call me lazy, I guess. Actually, some minor issues caused me to be a little set back in recovery, but we're on the mend again!
My mom has been here every day except Sunday and today...fixing food, caring for the older three children, keeping the house. Three nights we had ladies stay overnight to 'babysit' Ty so I could get a little rest. Thank God for willing family and friends.
The older three children are doing pretty good with our new addition. Well, two of them are doing great, and the third has had a setback...but appears to be improving. Addie loves having a baby around here. Though I fear she still would like to be the mom. :) Jack has adjusted fabulously...loving his Baby Dy dearly. Will was thrown into a tail spin, but seems to love the bebe dearly. It just gave him a little fuel for his fire...the fact that his mom is taking care of someone else simply gives him more reason to believe that his mom doesn't love him as much as she says she does.
We'll get through it....life is just a little hectic around this household right now. :)
I think my mom would agree. :)
And eight days later how is Ty doing? Superb. I don't think we could ask for a better baby. He goes to bed about 10:30, wakes to eat around 1:00, and again around 5:00. He snacks all day (lovely), spends several hours awake, just lying there looking around without making a peep. When he cries, I know it's time to eat again.
We're spoiled.
And he's growing. Today he weighed in at 8lb. 8oz. He gained back the four ounces he lost after birth and tacked an extra five ounces on top of that. I fear he won't be little for very long.
Praising Jesus for the four little blessings that have joined our family in the past four years....
Friday, July 27, 2012
Puppies For Sale
Do you wanna buy a puppy?!
Good.
We have six of them for sale right now.
They are adorable.
And they love the children, so I'm sure they would love your children too!!
They are AKC registered.
You can come visit them.
You can pick your own.
There are four males and two females.
We'd love to see them out the door. :) Though the children don't really share that sentiment.
Give us a call!!! 937-459-0618 Or send us an e-mail....jason@krautcreek.com
Good.
We have six of them for sale right now.
They are adorable.
And they love the children, so I'm sure they would love your children too!!
They are AKC registered.
You can come visit them.
You can pick your own.
There are four males and two females.
We'd love to see them out the door. :) Though the children don't really share that sentiment.
Give us a call!!! 937-459-0618 Or send us an e-mail....jason@krautcreek.com
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