Life As It Was

I had an interesting comment on a post this week. Maybe you've all seen it, or maybe you don't read the comments.

It really doesn't matter.

It was left by an anonymous commenter and read something like this.

"....I really can't understand your feelings/insecurities about your children being around other people...."

Allow me to explain.

Nearly three years ago, I laughed at the phrase 'over-stimulation'. I didn't have a clue that that phrase was really real. I assumed that it was coined by folks who simply had some hyper children. Folks who just didn't know how to control their children....either in public or at home.

Boy was I wrong. Over-stimulation is real, folks.

We brought home our first two children in the summer of 2008. We were so excited. We loved them more than we ever had imagined we could love someone.

We expected them to love us just like that in return.

It didn't happen that way.

Will was easy. He claimed us as his parents pretty quickly. Actually, his adjustment was very similar to Jack's. The first couple days that we had him with us he was a little leery, but very calm and laid back. (What happened?!) He really didn't want my parents to do anything with him, and seemed to realize that Jason and I were his parents.

He trusted us to care for his every need.

Addie wasn't that way.

We picked her up from her baby home and she was terrified. She cried in the car on the way to our motel. She wanted next to nothing to do with us. For the first several weeks, she would scream, spit, and bite us for at least an hour each day. Sometimes the 'fits' would last 2 1/2 hours.

It was horrid.

We were at a loss. She didn't like us one little bit and trusted us to do nothing for her. She screamed for her favorite caregiver, Mama Yula (Julia).

Our in-country coordinator was the only one who was able to comfort her. Oksana was a life-saver for a few days, but it soon was aparent that Addie was seeing Oksana as her mommy.

We couldn't blame her. After all, these people that were claiming to be her parents couldn't even communicate with her. Sure, we knew some Russian, but we didn't know enough to understand all that she said to us. And our accent was such that even when we did try to speak Russian, she couldn't understand us.

It was so hard.

Thus began the parent shopping.

We came home in July. Our plan was to stick to our house like glue with no visitors whatsoever. It worked for the most part. However, my whole family was leaving for Colorado just 10 days after we got home and we really wanted to see them all before they left. We had them over for supper.

They all got to see a major meltdown and I learned that the phrase 'over-stimulation' is as real as it gets.

Til the end of our first month at home we felt like she was ready to venture out into the real world.

We still didn't do much in the line of social activities, but we did go to church and to town. She was able to go play with the other children whenever there was an opportunity.

It was four months after we brought our children home that the real trouble started. Or at least that was when we realized that we had a problem.

Thanksgiving Day, 2008. We went to Jason's parents for the day as we usually do. Our children met their cousins on that side of the family for the first time. Addie played nicely and appeared to be getting along very well.

The next day? Not such a good day. She started out the day with a 'scream fest' as we called it. For a couple hours solid she screamed, spit, bit, hit, kicked, scratched...you name it, she did it.

We did something that we didn't think we would ever do. We called a therapist to find out if this was normal behavior for an adopted child.

It was. For a child who had an attachment disorder.

Thus began the 12 week program. For twelve very long weeks Addie rode along with me in the Ergo whereever I went. Which consisted of our house.

For 12 long weeks, I only left the house on Sunday morning to go to church.

For 12 long weeks, my mom or Jason went to the grocery for me.

For 12 long weeks, my space was severely invaded.

For the first four weeks of the 12 long weeks, I had a little girl in front of me who despised what we were doing. Very few days went past where there were no new bruises on my body. Her favorite biting spot was my shoulder blade. My sides were riddled with little bruises inflicted from her tiny fingers. I kept a rag with me at all times to wipe the spit off my face.

I'll have to say, this adoption stuff wasn't all it was cracked up to be at that time.

But we got through it. And the end result was a beautiful little girl who clearly understood that we loved her. She clearly understood that for the first time in her life, these adults were going nowhere. For the first time in her life, she had a mommy and a daddy who were hers forever.

The parent shopping finally stopped. For those of you who have never seen a child parent-shop, allow me to explain. Anytime we would go to town, she would go up to any ole random stranger and want to go home with them. Anytime we were around certain folks, she would latch on like glue and would do her best to forget that she had parents. The first time she ever met our social worker, Erica, she marched over to her and plopped down on her lap as if she'd known Erica forever. When we would try to take her from whoever she had latched on to, a scream-fest, complete with all the trimmings, would ensue. It was a far from fun stage in our life.

Now? Addie has clearly learned that she has a family, and talks frequently about all the children in Russia that we need to adopt. :) She has a huge heart for the orphan. She's been there and she remembers how it felt to not belong to anyone.

There. That is why it likely appears that I have serious 'feelings/insecurities' about being around other people. We've had a child who couldn't handle being around other people. We've had a child who wanted nothing more than to head home with whoever appeared to be a more fun mom.

All this to say.....it's not just adopted children who have attachment disorders. Sad but true. If the primary caregiver doesn't take the time to really meet every single one of the child's needs at the critical times, the needed parent/child attachment just may not be there.

I am in no way a professional attachment diagnostic technician (how do ya like that title?!). We haven't had a child who was the worst on the attachment disorder scale. Not by far. The worst is a child who is so detatched from society in general that by four years old they have mastered killing animals with their bare hands and are plotting how to kill their primary caregiver...typically their mother.

It can be that bad. And it can develop from something as simple as what we dealt with.

Attachment disorders are nothing to mess around with.

If you are dealing with anything that remotely resembles an attachment issue, I would strongly encourage you to contact a professional. They have experience with it.

So there you have it. The whole story on why we appear to be such insecure parents. The whole reason as to why it's so good to see Jack coming to find us in the midst of his playtime. The whole reason that nobody else is allowed to meet any of his needs.

We prefer to be proactive. No matter what the general public thinks.

Thanks for listening.

:)