How Might They Feel?

This, November, is National Adoption Month.  Yesterday has been dubbed Adoption Sunday (or something like that)...a day in which churches all across America took the time to bring more awareness to children who are floundering in orphanages, or children who are stuck in the foster care system with little hope of finding a forever family.

All children, no matter the age, feel deep within themselves the desire to have a family. 

Someone to call Mommy and Daddy. 

Someone to tuck them into bed at night. 

Someone to kiss ouchies and hug away fears. 

Someone to rub aching muscles and gently put band-aids on cuts and scrapes.

Someone to cheer for them as they practice their jumping-off-the-couch skills.

Someone to teach them to ride a bike and to play with toys and to eat suckers and to....

And the list could go on and on and on.

The reality is that children without families somehow know that they are missing something.

The other reality is that children who find families have a huge adjustment to make...an adjustment that can take years to complete.

I am totally pro-adoption.  I fully believe that there is nothing that better exemplifies the adoption of us into the family of God than the adoption of children into an earthly family.  Nothing I have found can more closely teach me exactly what God must 'put up with' when one of His Children accepts Him as their Heavenly Father. 

I love adoption.  I would encourage anyone to 'go for it'...but not until I was totally honest about the struggles that will likely come along with opening your hearts to a child with a 'past'. 

I'm going to take a few minutes here to explain what I think happens to a child who gains a forever family. While we cannot possibly imagine that the child/children wouldn't be ecstatic, I think the reality could quite possibly be the opposite.  An exception could be a child who is old enough to understand what exactly it means to gain a family.  An older child will understand what it means to leave the life of an orphan and transition into the life of a very loved child.

When we had to take all the classes to get approved to adopt (which at the time we deemed a total waste of time but have since learned that they were, in fact, quite needed), our instructor gave us a story to read.  This story hit home. This story totally told us just how difficult it would be for our children when we FINALLY brought them into our lives.  Below you can read that story.....

Only one problem....I can't find it.  :(  So I guess it'll be a similar story...but one based on truth, not fiction. 

For a few moments I'd like you to clear your mind of all your worries.  I'd like you to delve into the world of a child with no family.  I'd like you to imagine that you are the child sitting in the orphanage/baby home (I specify baby home because not all 'orphans' are really orphans...thus 'orphanage' is not really an accurate term.  For example, not one of our three children was truly an orphan as we think of it.  They were social orphans....children whose parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of them.  Children whose parents...at least one of them...actually signed a form stating that we could adopt them.)

Imagine with me that you live in a place where there are nearly one hundred other children.  In your 'bedroom' there are about twenty children that you do everything with...eat, sleep, play (or not).  Perhaps you are in a good baby home in which the caregivers actually love you and care for you as a mommy would.  But more likely you are in a home where all manner of abuse happens to you.

You think it is normal.  You think that abuse happens everywhere...or perhaps you are just too young to know any different.  Regardless of your age, you are in your safe place.  You know the people.  You can speak the language.  You aren't overly happy, but then, you have never really known what happy is, so you really don't miss it.  To you, this is home.  This is your comfort zone.

One day a man and a woman come to the place where you live and you go into a little room the size of a closet and there you are left for an hour or two.  The man and woman are grinning from ear to ear....so very happy to see you at last.  You are terrified.  Not only are you not accustomed to hugs and kisses, but they talk strange.  They hand you some toys out of their little bag and expect you to play as any other child would do.  They don't know that you don't know how to play.  Nobody has ever sat down with you to show you how to color or roll a ball.  They try and try to coax a smile out of you, but you are so far out of your comfort zone that there simply are no smiles to be found.

You are nervous.  Your caregiver for the day, Lula (Julia), has told you to call them Mama and Papa, but you're scared.  Instead you sit and stare at them.  You allow a few hugs and kisses but it makes you nervous. 

For four days these strange folks come to see you...and finally on the fourth day you trust them enough to eek out a tiny little grimace of a smile.  These strangers are so happy that they get little tears....which you think is so strange.  What is that wet stuff coming out their eyes?  Never have you had that happen to you. 

They leave and Lula tells you that they will be back.  Whatever.  Everyone that you have ever thought you loved has left and never come back. 

Four months later those same strangers walk back in the door.  You grin at them for real this time and your caregiver tells you that you are going to go home with them.  Sounds fun!

The next day those same strangers walk back in the door.  This time the Mama is carrying a bag of clothes.  She takes off the layers of clothes that you are wearing and puts them in a neatly folded pile.  She starts putting clothes on you that you have never seen before.  She's really happy and so is the Papa that is with her.  The strange black thing is covering half of the Papa's face as he snaps pictures of the process.

You are scared.  Why are these strange talking people taking off your clothes and putting different ones on you?  Why are these strange people taking you out of this little room and back up the steps to your 'bedroom' when Lula told you that they were going to take you with them?  What is going on?

After a little while, they take you outside to a waiting car.  Strange.  Never in your three years of life do you remember riding in one of those.  It's a terrifying experience.  But you are sure it will be okay.  After all, surely they will bring you back home again.  Back to all the 'normal' that you know.  Back to your family....the one hundred other children that you count as your friends. 

Instead they take you to a motel.  You have no idea what they are saying to you.  You wish with all your heart that you were back with Lula and your friends.  These folks don't have a clue that you are asking for a glass of warm milk before going to bed.  They don't have a clue that you have taught yourself to rock yourself to sleep since there was nobody there to rock you.  They don't have a clue that when you get upset you bite yourself until you bleed.  It's the only way to cope with the pain that you feel in your heart....and it's what you've always done.

You are exhausted so you go to sleep quickly that first night.  But the next day when you wake up those same strangers are still there....and none of your little friends or your normal caregivers are anywhere in sight.  It's so scary.  It's actually quite terrifying.  The only people you can understand are those who speak the language of your country.  It's not fun.  This family stuff that you've always heard about is so confusing.

Over time you understand that you will never be going back to your 'family'.  You are stuck with these folks who call themselves your family.  After about a month you hop on a huge scary thing called an airplane.  It's really not as scary as some of the rest of the stuff you have been through.

You get off the airplane in a place where every single person talks a strange language.  You're starting to understand bits and pieces, but still can't talk it back to them.  Therefore, they still don't know what you are trying to tell them.  At the thing called an airport there are hoardes of folks all staring at you.  They are hugging the Mama and Papa and welcoming you to their family. 

You hop in a car and finally pull in the driveway to a little house.  You wonder where all your little friends are going to fit in this little place.  Surely they will show up here too?!  Surely these strange people will allow you ONE thing that is familiar to you.  Surely.

They don't.  They tell you over and over how thankful they are that you are their child.  You don't see what is so fun about living in this house.  Nothing that you love is here.  Nothing that is familiar to you is here.  Not Lula.  Not your little friends.  Not your little bed with a #10 on it that tells you it is yours.  Not your red blanket or your flat pillow or the bare white walls.  Not the abuse....which is good to be done with....but it was what you were accustomed to.  Nothing is normal.

You act as you always have and they say it isn't acceptable.  Nothing is right.  This isn't what you thought a family would be.

It takes a while but you finally learn to accept that this is your new normal.  You learn that you are never going to see your 'family' again.  Life is rough for a while as you try to accept that THIS is family.

They play.  They laugh.  The abuse is done...but you are left with dealing with the aftermath.  They rock you and hold you and kiss you and hug you.  You learn to accept this all, but it isn't easy. 

It's taken years but your forever family has finally taught you that they are there for you no matter what.  All the screaming, all the biting and the pinching and the kicking....none of it has pushed them away.  Slowly you learn to trust that they can and will take care of you....but every once in a while you struggle to understand just what and why all this has happened to you.  From your early experiences you have learned to trust no one with your feelings.  You have learned that the only person who is trustworthy is you. 

It's been a hard life....and you are only eight years old.  Everything you held dear was ripped away from you and you had no options. Your past life comes back to haunt you on occasion and you struggle with 'why?'. 


So there you have it.  My version of how a child feels when they are given the blessing of a family.  If you didn't catch on, this was Addie's story.  The transition for her was extremely difficult.  Definitely not what we expected, but when we think about it...I think it is what we should have expected.  Children are resilient, moreso than adults are...but that doesn't mean that it's a piece of cake for them to lose all things 'normal' and to accept a whole new reality.

Some children definitely adapt better than others.  Some children really show no signs of any trauma.  Others are worse than what we have dealt with.

When we hear someone say how happy our children must have been to be 'rescued'...the feeling of joy they must have felt when they were 'chosen'....my heart dies a little inside. 

The reality is that they didn't want us nearly as much as we wanted them.  We were not equipped...even after hours and hours of training....to deal with the very real feelings of our children.  We expected a few problems with the transition, but nothing even remotely similar to the problems we have experienced. 

We love them.  They are our children just as much as our biological child is our child.  They come with baggage.  They will likely forever have to deal with the trauma that they were dealt when they were infants/toddlers.  Two of them have serious baggage that I will talk about at length in later posts.

But is it any wonder?  How would you cope with knowing that your bio family simply didn't want you?  How would you cope with knowing that you were neglected or abused or....?  How would you cope with losing all that you held dear and being forced to accept without question a whole new life?

Adoption is a wonderful thing.  It really is.  Just as God has to deal with all our little issues...we fail to trust Him completely, we fail to love Him even knowing that He has done so much for us, we fail to accept His gift....so we must deal with the little issues that arise from our children's pasts. 

It's not always fun.  It's hard to have to skip out on plans simply because one or several of our children have had too much stimulation lately and they simply can't handle one more social setting for the week.  It's hard knowing that our children have a 'past' that we cannot even begin to understand.  It's hard to know how to handle issues that creep up....because we have never dealt with a fraction of the things our children have and therefore cannot possibly completely understand their coping mechanisms. 

But amidst all the hard, I would have to say that it is/has been worth it.  Three children who really had no chance now have the opportunity to love Jesus.  Three children now have the opportunity to know the love of a Mommy and Daddy. 

We believe with all our hearts that they were the answers to our prayers.  They made us a family.  They were the missing pieces of our puzzle. 

No.  Our life is not exactly as we envisioned it, but our end goal is the same....to teach our children about the love of Jesus...to teach them to live for Jesus....to teach them to be overcomers in this world. 

So I guess I'd have to tell you that adoption is an awesome thing.  It is totally possible to love an adopted child just as much as a biological child....God gives you the capability to actually 'forget' that they weren't born to you....until you look back at pictures.  :)   If you have ever had the nudge from God to adopt, I encourage you to go for it.  Just take heed to all the stuff you learn while in training.  :)  Don't be like us and think that it's going to be a piece of cake.  Expect the worst to happen and perhaps you will be pleasantly surprised when the transition is totally smooth.

Read as many books on attachment and bonding as you possibly can...and actually put it all into practice when the child/children join your family.  Expect the social life to perhaps go on the blink for a while....until you perceive that your child/children are ready to deal with the overstimulation that may occur...or until you are ready to deal with the overstimulation that may occur.  :)  Be ready to totally change your parenting style...or whatever you thought would be your parenting style.  Be ready to deal with the raised eyebrows, the 'looks' that you likely will receive when your child flies off the handle because someone looked at him/her funny, the attitudes and comments that you WILL receive.

And keep in mind the whole time, that anything satan views as a threat...anything that God views as lovely...will probably come with problems of some sort. 

And...um....I guess I took a few more minutes of your time than I planned.  You're welcome.  :)