Wow...

I signed in today to write a fun post.  A post the highlights the happenings of our lives since I posted last time.  The highlights only as it's been so long I can't possibly remember all that has happened.  Instead I saw that I had started a post about six months ago that never got completed.  A post that isn't really funny.  It isn't really fun.  It really doesn't say too much.  But here it is.  My ramblings on a Sunday afternoon.

Disclaimer #1:  I don't know everything there is to know about adoption.  We've only been on this journey for 5.5 years.  Not an expert.  All I can do is tell it how it is in our house. 

Disclaimer #2:  I believe it is way past time for more honesty in the world of adoption.  I don't share my child's past to embarrass him. We discuss frequently how far he has come in a few short years.  He knows.  He remembers.  He is sad about the way he has acted, but he knows that he is healing...it's in the past.  While I fully support keeping your child's past quiet for their privacy as it is not all necessary for everyone to know, I also believe that a little honesty could possibly help a family somewhere who is possibly struggling.  Our child is not completely 'there'.  We still have major issues....many that will quite possibly follow him into adulthood.

Disclaimer #3:  It's not really that easy for me to share the nitty gritty of our daily lives.  I love to write....but I would far prefer to write about only the good.  There are some awesome times we have as a family.  They've been a little hard to come by but slowly there are more and more.  The only reason that I share the struggles we have had is in hopes that somewhere, someday...a family with the same struggles will read and gain hope.  Hope is hard to come by when dealing with the nitty gritty day-to-day stuff of a family with a traumatized child involved.

Disclaimer #4:  Adoptive families don't like to share that there are struggles in the home any more than a non-adoptive family likes to share.  The reality is that we chose to bring these children home...and we have been reminded of that frequently. Yes. We did choose to pursue them as our children.  We did choose to bring them into our home KNOWING that there could be serious issues.  We do choose to love them.  We do consider them an answer to our prayers.  BUT....that doesn't mean that we can't be honest that adoption is HARD.  It is hard.  We have all the normal child/human issues of whining, complaining, begging, pouting, disrespecting....  And then we have the issues that are typically set aside for those with seriously troubled backgrounds.  Issues that stem from loss, neglect, trauma, abandonment, no love.....issues that require us to deal with adults in child sized bodies.  I fully believe that because we are labeled as 'you chose to do this'...we don't hear nearly as much truth about adoption as perhaps we should.

Disclaimer #5:  I know that raising children...any child, adopted or biological...is hard.  Perhaps the most difficult job of any adult.  I know.  It's not easy having to make all the decisions that will ultimately affect your child's entire life.  We are all in the same boat on that one.  We all need the help of our Jesus.  I also know from watching friends and family that while our issues may appear to be normal childhood issues, I can assure you that you would be appalled if you knew the whole truth. 

And with those disclaimers firmly in place... I start my reminiscing.  Many of you have read our story many times.  Many of you could likely quote it yourselves.  Many of you are likely bored to tears at the mere mention of this topic.

But.  I encourage you to read it again.  It's not really our story. This is the story of redemption.  This is the story of Jesus working in the heart of a little boy and his parents.  This, my friends, is all about Jesus.

And here begin todays ramblings......

Way back in 2008, exactly six years ago today, we touched down at the airport a mere one hour from our home....and the new family of four was met by many, many family and friends in a grand airport entrance.  We felt like celebrities.  We were so excited, and overwhelmed, and exhausted, and tearful, and hopeful.  And the list could go on and on. 

 

While in Russia, we wondered if we REALLY had heard the call of Jesus.  Had He really asked us to fly across the world to bring two children into our family?  Had He really asked us to double the size of our little family in one fell swoop?  Had He really asked us to travel this road?  Really?

We knew He had, and we were willing.  But sometimes, if I am completely honest, I have to wonder if we would have answered the call had we been able to see into the future.  Yes, I just said that.  That doesn't mean that I don't love our children...it is simply stating what any honest person would likely state when dealing with a long term battle.

We went into the world of adoption with our blinders firmly in place.  We had heard the horror stories.  We had read all the stuff we were required to read.  We knew what we were doing.  Haha. 

What we didn't know was that real life is a little harder to deal with than the stories may portray. 

Our time in Russia was fun, but not fun.  Addie was a little spitfire, I guess you would say.  Just yesterday when Ty (our now nearly two year old) had a little tantrum scream fest that lasted for a very short ten or so minutes, she nearly came unglued.  We told her it was nothing.  Why, she used to scream, bite, pinch, kick, etc. for two - three hours at a time.  For real.  She was definitely the strongest three year old in history and she would be red hot and sweaty til the 'fit' was over.  As would whichever parent was holding her.  Til three hours and many bruises were up, all involved would be in tears and sweating.  There was so much fear, anger, anxiety, stress in that little 24 pound body.  Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how terribly difficult it would be for her to transition to our lives.  Hmmm.  We were total strangers, speaking an odd language, offering a family, spewing love....and she was terrified.  I should have thought about it. 

Will entered our lives ten days after Addie...a little shaver of 21 months who NEVER. STOPPED. MOVING.  And to this day he has never stopped moving.  Not even to sleep, it seems.  He was a livewire who giggled and laughed.  He was nervous around us for a couple days, but the 'stuff' that Addie came with seemed to be non-existent.  He fit the bill for the 'perfect' adoption.  It was easy.  It was fun. It was all we had dreamed of.

Three years after they joined our family, the third child came along.  Jack.  He was 17 months old and better cared for and loved than either of the older two had been in their baby homes.  The transition with him was smooth. 

But when he joined our family and took his place as our baby of the family,  the former baby of the family switched gears.  No longer was Will a happy go lucky, easy child.  Looking back, we had warning signs of what was to come, but at the time, it seemed a switch had flipped. 

Within a year of the switch flipping, he was doing things that we never in our wildest dreams could have imagined.  Threatening siblings to the point that they were no longer sleeping well at night, trying to kill animals, bucking the system of our family on an hourly basis, using any spot in the house as his personal porta-jon (and spreading each deposit as far as possible and on as many items as possible), punching holes in the walls, destroying any item that he could get his hands on, and the list could go on and on.

Then we found out that the impossible was going to happen.  The thing that the doctors had all said would never happen was happening.  A baby was coming.  We didn't understand what God was thinking.  Why now?  When it was all we could do to keep up with our five year old...why did He choose now to give us a baby?  A little thing that would keep us from getting sleep, that would need all our attention for a while.  Why?  Little did we know, this little now nearly two year old was the best thing that could have happened at that time.  God DID know best.  Surprise.

 

 

We were exhausted trying to keep up.  It was like having a 15 year old in a five year old body...and we were not equipped to deal with what was happening.  Enter Nancy Thomas and a whirlwind trip to Colorado. I called her in a desperate mode on a Wednesday morning and by Saturday morning we were on our way west to spend a week with her.  While there we learned some life changing parenting skills.  (Here is where we go back to disclaimer #1. 

We are definitely not experts.  We learn more and more every single day.  We have to ask Jesus for help every day.  We have to call therapists to ask opinions on how to deal with certain situations.  We have to read books that give practical tips on dealing with troubled children. 

We DO NOT have it all figured out.  Not even a little bit.  I feel on a daily basis like I am failing at my job as a mom.  I can only pray that despite all my imperfections, our children will learn to love and depend on Jesus.

Anyway.  We spent one week in Colorado and came home with renewed spirits.  There was hope where before we were ready to give up. 

Almost six months ago, we thought we had finally rounded a corner.  Will had an entire week of  'normal' childhood.  He met all his goals.  He listened well.  He was happy.  He was a fun part of our family circle once again.  The little boy from several years before seemed to have returned...and we heard him really laugh that week.  For the first time in a couple years, he laughed with abandon.  We were overjoyed!  He had returned from wherever it was he had disappeared to.

The night that marked day #7 of Happy and Obedient (please know that this does NOT mean he did everything he was asked to do the very first time, didn't complain, didn't argue, didn't fuss around...this simply means that for the first time in a couple years he had a week of 'normal' childhood.  There were no major meltdowns when asked to do a job, no new holes appeared in the walls, no toys were destroyed.)  we celebrated by going to McDonalds for ice cream cones...way past bedtime.  It was an awesome evening.  We all enjoyed it immensely.

That was a very tall mountaintop.  For sure. 

Unfortunately we all know that with mountaintops come valleys. 

That night when I crawled into bed, I told Jason that I didn't really want to go to sleep.  I wanted to savor the moment, the week that we had had.  I wanted to shout from the rooftops that our son was healed!  He really had come back from the depths of despair!  He was a new person!  It was possible!  There were modern day miracles after all!!!

I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid.  We had had good days before....never seven in a row, but one here and there.  And after every good day we had....a whole week or more of bad days would follow.  It was almost as if he would have a great day, we would exclaim all over it, we would make a big deal about it...and the switch would flip back.  On purpose, it seemed.  Almost as if the attention he received on the good day wasn't as fun as the attention he received on the bad. 

I went to bed that night with a very thankful heart.  I posted it on facebook and instagram and everyone rejoiced with us....though many who rejoiced really didn't understand what the big deal was. 

And the next morning we woke up.

It was back to the Will we have grown to know so well.

It was last February that we celebrated by going to McDonalds....and we have yet to claim another seven-days-in-a-row.  But we're hanging on to hope.  We've made it up to four before we had to start over!! 

Some days it's hard to see the sun for all the trees in the way, but when we take a quick glance over our shoulders we can see how rocky the trail has been and how thick the trees once were.  Truly, the path has smoothed somewhat and the trees aren't quite as dense.  The walls haven't had new holes knocked or carved into them for a good two months, the destruction is calming, the jobs are getting accomplished most days.  The sun is beginning to peek through the leaves. 

Most days we have great hope that he'll overcome many of his obstacles and we will forget just how bad our daily grind once was.  And some days we feel like we've done all we can do and it's time to give up.  But every day we come back to the fact that without Jesus we would have no hope at all. 

I tell folks who are wanting to adopt to go for it.  Prepare to eat lots of words. Prepare to be knocked out of your tidy little box.  Prepare to possibly have to cut back your social life.  Prepare to go insane.  Prepare to ask for help from professionals if needed.  Prepare to spend hours praying and begging God for a little relief.  Prepare to depend on God as you've never done before.  Prepare to have your world rocked to the point that you feel like you can't even stand up straight.  Prepare to never sleep again (that may be a little bit of a stretch :) ).  Prepare to let things go that just aren't that important....like a spotless house.  Prepare to be totally misunderstood by friends and even family. Prepare to find yourself not concerned about what others think about you anymore.....cause in the end that really doesn't matter.

And then?  Prepare to be a first hand witness to a modern day miracle.  Perhaps the miracle will occur the day or week that the new child joins your family. Perhaps your new child will fit right in, have no issues with the past trauma, and will never cause a ripple in your family dynamics.  That is a miracle.  But perhaps the miracle will take years and years.  Perhaps the miracle will happen after the child has left your home.  Perhaps the miracle will be after you have died.  No matter when the miracle occurs, it's still a miracle.  No matter how many hours you spend crying and praying, it's still a miracle. 

I'm all for adoption.  After all, any who have accepted Jesus as their Savior have been adopted into His family.  It's really the same thing.  Most of us make Him deal with all kinds of heartache before we break and accept His gift....

But I'm not all for adoption if you go into it blindly as we did.  Ask folks who have adopted and believe what you're told.  Don't think it won't happen to you, because it could.  Don't think that your child won't suffer greatly from the trauma and heartache of his/her past, because he/she might. 

And now the rambling is over.  For today.  Perhaps this poor blog won't be as ignored as it has been...but perhaps it will.  :)  Time will tell.

Until next time...