Reminding Myself

I've written this post multiple times in my head. Sadly, trying to get the thoughts out on 'paper' doesn't always work out as planned.

I open up the 'dashboard' of this blog, click on the 'new post' button, and think, "Okay. Now what exactly was I going to write?"

I sit here and stare at a white page.

I start typing. I hit the delete button and erase the first few sentences several times.

I go check the baby who is napping in the cradle, making sure he's still breathing. Yes. I am a paranoid mom. Today he only wants to sleep on his tummy, and therefore I spend much time walking to and from the kitchen to his cradle.

I sit back down and listen to the music that is playing from Handful of Quietness. I love her choice of music. It's soothing to our whole household.

I check to make sure I popped the sweet potatoes in the oven for supper. Yes. That is one thing that I actually did remember.

I listen to the quiet from the upstairs and call Will back down to practice sitting strong again. Not real high on his list of priorities today for some reason.

I listen to Addie whispering from her rug as she diligently puts pieces in her pig puzzle....and try to ignore the fact that I have asked her to do the puzzle with no talking. Sometimes I get tired of catching all the little things.

I remember that I have a third son whom I have heard nothing from for quite some time. He's lying on his rug, pushing a combine around in circles, trying to keep his eyes propped open.

And then I can start writing.

The last couple weeks have been difficult at our house. For about a week both Addie and Will were 'stuck'. It's no fun to have one stuck, but when both of them are? I struggle to remember that I am a joyful mom.

In fact, the joyful mom part kind of goes out the window, much to my dismay.

I find myself wondering what it would be like to just have a 'normal' family. What is it like to not have to deal with the various adoption issues. What is it like to have children who trust you. What is it like to KNOW that your children comprehend your love for them. What is it like to not have to listen to your children talk about how it must have felt (they don't totally 'remember' though they have big feelings left from their time in the baby homes) when their moms didn't take care of them...when their moms just dropped them off at a baby home and they didn't know where she went...when their moms forgot to give them bottles. What is it like to have a child who is embarrassed about the fact that she is adopted when very few other children she knows are.

That's where we are.

We have three children who don't totally trust us. How do they know that we won't disappear from their lives as they have experienced before? How do they know that this home truly is forever...as long as God allows. We can't promise that we won't ever leave them. We don't know how long we have. WE know that we won't leave them by our choice, but they have yet to totally understand that.

We have three children who are threatened by a baby. A baby who is totally dependent. A baby whom they have to watch receiving all the love and attention that they were starved for when they were babies.

It's not fair, Addie told us again today. I agree, sweet girl, I agree.

We remind her that that is her past. She doesn't have to stay there. She can be sad about the fact that her mommy didn't take very good care of her, but she can also be happy that she has been given a family who does take care of her. She can be sad that her life has not been easy, but she can be happy that God loves her enough to give her a chance for a better life.

Today, she broke. Today, she told us that she is sad about the way she was treated in the baby home. Today, she told us that she just doesn't understand why God made her be born in Russia to a mommy who didn't take care of her, but let Ty be born to a mommy who is taking care of him. Today, she told us that she is embarrassed that she is adopted, embarrassed that people ask her about being adopted. We told her that she has a special story. She has a story that not many others have. She has a story that only God could have orchestrated. She is special.

Today, I am reminded that though I get frustrated, God is big enough to carry us through the pain. Today, I am reminded that I didn't have to deal with a fraction of the things my three oldest children have dealt with and still have to deal with. Today, I am reminded that I was never abused in any way...not physically, sexually, or mentally. Today, I am reminded that I have never had to deal with feelings of abandonment or neglect.

Today I am learning, once again, that I will never understand the emotions and behaviors of our children, but that God will give us the strength needed for each situation that arises.

Today I am thankful that God allowed me to have a relatively easy life. That I don't have to deal with the many issues that many people in this world have to deal with.

Today I pray that I am joyful. That I am honestly happy to be the mom of children with special needs....what child doesn't have special needs?! That God grants me the patience to deal with the needs of our children without going crazy. That even though our life is currently not the most fun, we will continue to grow in our love for each other.

And most of all I pray that our children will continue to talk. That they will share their feelings. That they will learn to trust us as their parents. That they will grow to be godly men and woman...adults who are secure in the love of Jesus Christ.