W.A.L.T.E.R and More

Let me start this off by saying that I am NOT a parenting expert. Not one little stitch. Most nights I go to bed and lie there thinking about our day, beating myself up for the bad ways that I handled this or that. Some days I go to bed thinking that if it weren't for all my mess-ups perhaps we wouldn't have so many issues around here. But then I remind myself that that is precisely what the devil wants me to think.

No that reminder doesn't make it any easier, but it does make me remember that I am human. We will make mistakes. The key, if I can just remember, is to ask the children for forgiveness when the mistakes are made. They need to know that I am not perfect and I don't expect them to be perfect either. They need to feel accepted no matter what.

So. We've established that major point. I. Am. Not. A. Parenting. Expert.

Now we'll move on to Walter. I was amazed at how many e-mails I received asking how to deal with that Walter stuff. Why ask me? :) It hit us like a ton of bricks. Sure, we knew that we were employing those tactics far too often, so it shouldn't have been so enlightening, but it was.

A refresher.

W arning
A rguing
L ecturing
T hreatening
E xcusing (the behavior of the child) and E xcuses (from the child)
R eminding

I really don't know how to deal with all of these. Sorry. All I know is what they told us at the ranch.

The Warning is simply something that we as parents have to train ourselves not to do. Actually they all are. Rather than passing out warnings, go straight to the ticket. Instead of saying 'Make sure you're picking up the sticks as I asked you to do!', say, "Uh-oh! Sit strong til you're ready to do the job you were assigned!' Don't tell them what the job was. They know. When they've sat strong for about 30 seconds, grab them in a bear hug, tell them how proud of them you are for sitting strong, hold their hands while asking them what happened, grab them in another bear hug and commend them for telling the truth (never say thank you for telling the truth as that is expected...just say good job telling the truth), and send them on to do their job again. Again, just passing on exactly what they told us....none of this is original to me.

If you know me very well at all, you would know that I am NOT a huggy person. I like my space and this method of many, many hugs all day long is stretching me to the max. But the children LOVE it. Why didn't I do this before?!

The Arguing is something that both our children are really good at. If there was a medal for it, one of them would have certainly won it. :/ We knew it wasn't acceptable, but how in the world do you get it to stop? Good question. One that we asked during at least one of our therapy sessions. They told us that it was simple. :) We were so glad, but found out that it wasn't as simple as they claimed. Just have the child give themselves a 'mouth hug'. In other words, cover their mouth with their hand for several minutes. When the time is up and the mouth hug was done correctly...without whining or fit throwing (as ours do and we have to tack on some extra time) scoop them up in a big ole bear hug and commend them for the spectacular mouth hug!! Then ask what happened, commend them for telling the truth, and scoop them up in yet another hug!! Yep, more hugging.

The mouth hug is also used for interrupting, talking back, disrespect, unnecessary chatter, etc.

Oh, and to slip something in here that is huge for us. They never use the words punishment or consequence. Both of those have a negative connotation. Instead, they use the word 'restitution'. If your little Johnny smacks his sister across the head, he has to do something kind for her....make her bed the next morning, pick up her plate after the meal, give her a head rub, give her a back rub, etc. Try to make the child think of the restitution so they are using their brain rather than using your brain. The same happens if they talk back to you, are disrespectful, etc. They give you the backrub. Ahhhhh. Can't say as I mind that!!

Then we come to the Lecturing. Bad subject for me. Sad but true, I am a super lecturer. I would win the medal on that one. It's not uncommon for me to...or should I say 'it wasn't uncommon' ;)...lecture and lecture and lecture. Often the children's eyes would glaze over and when I got my frustration out and asked them what I said? Not one clue. They had moved on to what they had planned when Mommy was done with the lecture. You know the one. "I told you to pick up the toys and what did I find you doing? Playing. That's right. I don't know why you can't listen the first time. Why don't you pay attention to your job? Oh this upsets me. Pick up those toys and get it done NOW. What did I just tell you?" And they look at me and finally say, "Um. Well. Um. I don't know. Did you say to pick up the toys?" And I go off again on the value of listening and paying attention when someone is talking to them. Yep. (And yet, I find that I am the one who has taught them to not pay attention to the person who is talking to them. How often do they come to tell me something that is so important to them and I don't take the time to look into their eyes while they're talking. In fact, my back may be completely turned as fixing supper is so much more important than hearing about the bird nest that they just found on the ground.)

Why am I the lucky winner on airing all the bad stuff from our house. And here you all thought we were perfect. :) If you have a blog, could you please air your dirty laundry on it so I don't feel so alone?!

Back to the Lecturing. We were told, in short simple phrases, to keep things short and simple. Yep. It's just that easy. :) Skip the lecture. Use simple phrases like, "What were you asked to do?" "Where are you supposed to be?" That throws it right back at the child, they have to use their brains to remember what they were asked to do, and we can keep our cool and still have smiling mouths and eyes.

Just that simple. Unless you're me and struggle with that simple stuff. :/

I think I'll stop there for now on W.A.L.T.E.R. He is one large man and quite frankly? My brain is on overload.

I'll touch just a little bit on the sitting strong. It's not intended to be used as a punishment. It's just what it says. Getting strong. They stress big-time the weak versus strong children. Weak children need a little help to stop throwing the fits, having scream fests, flopping on the floor for hours because they were asked to pick up toys (here you go, peeking into our house again). If any of that happens, escort them kindly and gently (with smiling lips AND eyes) to their 'get strong spot'. At our house we have three rugs in three different rooms, one for each child. They know the color of their rug. They find it, and sit indian style on it, while folding their hands in a certain way in front of them. I really don't know how to explain the hands. Cross them over in front of you with palms together and hands folded, then flip them towards you so the fingers are right under the chin. Another way to do it is put opposite hand on opposite shoulder, forming an x in front of your chest. Don't make a big deal of it. I have a child right now who has been flopping around on his rug for nearly two hours...all because he doesn't want to sit strong. :) I tell him occasionally that I'm glad he's taking his time as that way I know he's good and strong when he finally decides to do it. Once they finally do decide to sit strong, only make them do it for about 30 seconds. When they get to the point that it is no big deal, then you know that they are truly feeling strong again.

A little example of how to sit strong that I snapped last week...

And just so you know. Our children are definitely classified as weak. Though they are getting stronger every single day!!!! When dealing with a child who has a larger survival mode than logic mode, they are naturally going to be weaker at making wise choices. The sitting strong while crossing arms and legs actually makes both sides of the brain function together and therefore helps build the good parts of the brain while shrinking the survival parts.

Yes. This all takes a ton of time. Which is precisely why you may not see me out and about for a little while. Building strong children is a huge task, but so essential to having a functional family.

If you care to read more in depth and glean some more ideas on logical, fun ways to build strong children, check out the book, "When Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas. I can see eyebrows raising even as I type. Sadly, sometimes just loving a child is simply not enough to help them heal. It sounds good. But we tried it for four years and love alone didn't pull us through our struggles. We LOVE our children. Most definitely. But it takes more than that for hurt children to understand that we REALLY DO love them. We really will never abandon them as they were abandoned (or feel like they were abandoned) by their birth parents. Not all adopted children deal with this stuff. It depends a lot on personality and how they view their birth parents.

In fact, this stuff isn't limited to adopted children at all. There are many, many 'home-made' children who have the exact same issues. Believe it or not.

And now I must go. This has dragged on long enough and likely there's only two, or maybe one, person who will actually read it through to the end. :) If our therapy can help one person out there, it was worth my time to type this up.

Blessings to you all!!