Adoption Awareness Month

Every November, you begin to see multitudes of articles regarding adoption.  Many of them state how many orphans there are in the world or how many children in foster care are waiting and waiting and waiting on a family to step up and claim them.  That is all very real.  It breaks my heart.

I spent a day at school last week with Jack and Rainey.  A little guy in Rainey's class is ALWAYS in trouble.  She comes home nearly every day exclaiming how he got his name on the board AGAIN because he wouldn't listen to the teacher.  I pictured this little guy in my mind and had him pegged as one of 'those' kids.  Then I met him and he tugged at my heart strings.  He's a little tiny guy.  His hair was neatly combed and he was very well dressed.  He gave hugs to me and had never met me in his life.  He was cute as a button.  But he was in trouble all.day.long.  He had to count up his brothers and sisters and finally declared that he had six brothers and three sisters.  I have no clue if that is true or not.  What I did learn is that he is a foster child.  Children come and go in his life. Adults come and go in his life.  He is labeled as the 'troublemaker' in his class...but he has a reason.  He's hurting.  He's feeling lost. 

Then I went to Jack's room.  He doesn't talk much about school.  Ever.  It's like school stays at school and home is at home.  I can ask the most pointed questions and he gives me a grin and a 'can I go outside to play now'.  But there's a little girl in his class that he has mentioned a couple times.  'She's a stinker', he said.  So I met her.  And I got to know her a bit.  What makes her tick?  Why is she a 'stinker'?  She blurted out to me that her mom had called her a really bad name that morning before she went to school.  She said it made her feel sad inside.  She said it happens a lot and she's just so sad all the time.  She said a whole lot more....definitely cut out of a different bolt of cloth than Jack is.  :)  But it made me so sad.

Two children.  Two classes.  There are a good 200 students in each grade where Jack and Rainey attend. How many more are just like that little boy and that little girl?  Right here under my nose.  Within reach.

I'm not sure why I even brought all that up.  Those two children and the many more just like them that we label as 'troublemakers' aren't adoptable. 

I guess my point is this.  Just reach out.  Climb out of your perfect little world.  Volunteer at a school near you.  Become a teacher's aide or a substitute teacher.  Become a person in a child's life that is trust worthy.  A person who can show them unconditional love.  Just reach out.  You could be a person in a child's life that they will never forget.  Someone that they can look back on and say...That adult.  She/he loved ME.  You don't have to become a foster or adoptive parent in order to make a difference in a child's life. 

And now back to the topic of the month.  I am in NO way an expert on the subject of adoption.  We have only been parents for seven years.  Our oldest child is ten.  Definitely don't have it all figured out.  And I BEG you to read my blog with that in mind.  We bumble through our days just like everyone else.  I get frustrated with my children and cry myself to sleep at night because I blew it so many times.  I get tired of being a therapeutic parent.  I get tired of researching and reading and researching some more.  I weary of having to refuse dinner plans and leaving plans early because there's a child or five who are overwhelmed and needing the comforts of home to regulate behaviors.  I simply get tired. 

And don't we all?  Being a parent is hard work.  Being a parent to one bio child is stressful at times, I'm sure.  Being a parent to 13 bio children is stressful, I'm sure.  I can't really speak for them. I've never been either one of those.  All I can speak for is the adoptive moms. 

Adopted children are just like bio children.  They are still children.  They still act in childish ways. They still make silly choices and do annoying little things. 

But adopted children are not like bio children in one glaring way....there are MANY ways, actually...but the most glaring to me is that ALL ADOPTED CHILDREN HAVE EXPERIENCED GREAT LOSS.  All adopted children have to work through the loss and the rejection.  All adopted children work through that differently. 

This loss is what makes it hard for us adoptive parents.  Yes.  There was a great loss in your past.  Yes.  It hurts.  Yes. I do feel so very bad for the pain in your life and I do wish that I could take it all for you so you could have a 'normal' fun childhood.

But the reality is...in the day to day grind of dealing with the behaviors that come with that pain and loss...we (or perhaps I should just say I) tend to lose sight of that.  It's so easy to take the anger personally.  It's so easy to lash back at a child who just screamed "I hate you and I want a new mom" because you didn't allow a piece of candy right before supper. 

There has been great loss, and because of that loss families and friends of adoptive families may be met with a list of rules.

1. Don't touch my child when we get them home.
2. Don't rub his hair, no matter how adorable it is.
3. Don't feed my child sweets.  Ever.  For that matter, don't give him anything.  Give it to me to give to him.
4. Don't tell my child how DARLING he/she is, no matter how true that is.
5. Don't single my adopted child out from our biological children.  (That's not really an issue in our home as there is only one bio....but I know it is in some homes.)
6. Don't take it personally or think that we are snobs if we don't show up at every function or cancel plans at the last minute.

The list could go on and on, I'm sure, but these are the ones that are popping into my head right now. 

So WHY?  Why can't you hug my child?  Why can't you give him a pack of smarties at church?  Why can't you oooh and aaaaah over my child? 

I'll give you a couple reasons...but I also encourage you to ASK.  Ask an adoptive mom why it doesn't work.  Ask that mom who has so many rules why it's any different than your children were/are.  ASK.  And adoptive mom's....TELL.  Share the reasons.  Folks won't honor our wishes if they don't see the logic. 

1.  Don't touch my child.  We have done this with all four of our older children.  A couple of them this wouldn't have been an issue...and a couple of them it was and sometimes still is a HUGE issue.  You see....there's this little thing called 'parent shopping'.  I don't mean when your child says 'I sure wish Susie's mom was MY mom cause Susie gets to play baseball and you won't let me'.  I mean it can really be a big, serious deal.  When Addie first came home she would hug the check out lady at Wal-Mart and ask if she could come live with her now.  She would latch on to various women and tell me for days why that woman would be a MUCH better mom than I am.  It got to the point that we had to stop being around a couple friends for a while because it was so serious.  Every time we would see one particular woman, Addie would be an absolute wreck for at least a week after.  Parent shopping is not always the case with every adopted child, but it's better to be safe than sorry.  Many of our children have learned that adults come and adults go.  To them it makes perfect sense that this new 'mom' is just mom for a season.  It makes perfect sense that they need to be on the lookout for a new mom.  It's what they have been taught. 

2. Don't rub my child's hair.  Rubbing someone's head is actually very bonding.  We want our child/ren to bond with US.  While we hope that someday they can have a bond with YOU as well, it is actually crucial that we bond first.  For some children that may take months...for others that can take years. 

3. Don't feed my child sweets.  Yep.  You heard it.  No sugary products of any sort should come from anyone other than mom or dad for months. Sometimes years.  There is actually a very logical reason behind this, but one that not many folks understand.  It took a therapist to tell us the reason.  Sugar is bonding.  It forms bonds of attachment more quickly than anything else.  A mother's breast milk is LOADED with sugar.  That baby is getting a sugary treat every time he/she eats.  We were advised to hold our children like babies and feed them a Sugar Daddy on a stick while gazing into their eyes to help.form.attachment.bonds.  As a general rule, you don't gift someone a package of meat sticks for Valentine's day.  You give them chocolates.  If you want to give my child a treat or a reward, make it a pencil or a little tablet or a sticker or a bookmark.  But PLEASE.  Save the sugary treats for me.

4. Don't tell my child how DARLING he/she is.  PLEASE.  One of ours in particular is very different in public than at home.  'Darling' doesn't just refer to that particular word.  He used to REFUSE to do any work of any kind at home.  Not one thing.  I'd ask him to fold the wash clothes or rake the leaves or pound nails in the board...and he would sit for days...literally...refusing to do it.  (PRAISE JESUS this is a very rare occurrence now.  He still is an obstinate little thing, but nothing like he was.)  However, we would go to my parents or Jason's parents and he would BEG to work.  Anything.  Everything.  It didn't matter to him.  Then he would get praised up one side and down the next about what a hard worker he was and he would smirk at us behind the back of the 'praiser'.  The hard children will eat up the praise and the comments...and make life at home a nightmare.

5. Don't single my adopted child out from my biological children.  In our case it's the opposite.  My pet peeve is when someone asks me, "Now which one is yours?"  I usually don't ever answer that question, just respond with "All five of them are mine".  While I know that comes across as snotty and sarcastic, it is truth.  My children are mine as much as yours are yours.  I don't think of them as 'my biological angel and my adopted children'.  Truth is that the bio can be just as big a brat as the other four.  And he likes to believe that his birth mommy lives in Russia, so don't pop his bubble.  :)  But really.  I know it's just interesting to some folks.  I know it's because they want to see if he looks like Jason and I or not.  I know it's just because sometimes they don't know what else to say.  When that question is asked in front of my children I can almost see the shutters come over their eyes.  They know they are MINE.  They know they have other families somewhere out there in the world.  They know they are adopted.  They deal with that every day.  They don't need reminders and they don't need singled out as 'not a part of the family'. I know that isn't how many people see that question, but that is how my children perceive it.  We work hard to make sure that they feel a part of the family.  That they feel accepted.  That they feel unconditionally loved.  One little question can plant a seed that can grow significantly when they go to bed.  And goodness.  If there's one thing that my children don't need help in, it's keeping themselves from sleeping.  They do a fine job at staying awake for hours at night....a question like that is not needed.

6. Don't take it personally or think that we are snobs if we don't show up at every function or cancel plans at the last minute.  For real.  We have missed countless functions over the past seven years.  Many of them we had full intentions of attending, but it became/becomes very apparent that one or four children simply could not handle it.  The little word 'overstimulation' I used to scoff at. I did.  And then I was gifted several children who are easily overstimulated.  A few weeks ago our oldest went with a friend for the day.  She was SO excited.  And so was I.  She needs to get out some.  She needs to spread her wings. She NEEDS interaction and sometimes I think she doesn't get what she really needs because of some of her siblings.  But anyway.  She went.  They went roller skating.  Where there was loud music.  Then they went out for ice cream.  Where (she said) there was loud music.  I suspect that you or I wouldn't have noticed it, but it was too much for her.  Then they went to a fundraiser supper where there was a concert.  Nice Christian music.  She came home and I asked her how it was, expecting a glowing picture of her day.  Instead she said..."Mom.  There was LOUD music everywhere we went.  My head feels like it is spinning and I just want to go to bed."  This was the daughter that I can't usually get to quit talking.  She was done. She was overstimulated.  The next day she was able to tell me all about the FUN she had...but it took some quiet home regulation to get there.  The world out there is LOUD to already overstimulated kids.  A ball game at the park sounds like a blast, but to a couple of our children it's exhausting. There's people, and the sound of the bat hitting the ball, and the color of the nearby playground, and the smells that are different than home, and the laughing, and the talking, and the rules of the game AND.IT'S.JUST.TOO.MUCH.  So please.  Don't take it personal. 

So there you have it.  I welcome questions.  I love it when folks are specific and obviously want to be educated, not just nosey.  I love to share the good, bad, and the ugly. 

I encourage you to ask away.  Anything and everything.  I always reserve the right to protect my child/ren's privacy when needed.  But I also love to share.  I have learned that even those families who appear to have no issues can generally scrape up something.  And often it looks remarkably similar to mine. 

Those were just six of the 'don'ts' that you may have heard.  I'm sure there are more.    Over the coming 'Adoption Awareness' month I hope to touch on a few things that perhaps are not often touched.  Not with a ten foot pole.  It's awkward to share some things without sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself.  It's uncomfortable to be open.  But I think it's very necessary. 

We don't feel sorry for ourselves.  We DID choose to adopt.  Nobody forced us.  We did NOT choose to have some of the issues that we deal with, just like you don't choose health problems or hurts in life.  God has had our back for years and I don't think He's going to leave. 

Just like we aren't ashamed of a child who falls out of a tree and breaks a leg, we shouldn't be ashamed of a child who has a broken mind and heart.  We totally understand a child's limitations with a broken limb, but aren't allowed to talk about a child with a broken spirit.  Makes sense, huh?! 

It's time for honesty in the adoption world. Just like having a family of biological children, it's hard. It's also totally different.  Different parenting styles, different heartaches, different family dynamics. 

And what CAN you do?  You heard a few 'Don'ts'...but what about the 'Do's'?!  Next time back I hope to touch on things you CAN do to help an adoptive family.