So How's It Going?

It totally depends on the day.

Or perhaps the hour.

Or perhaps the minute.

Or even the second.

Our five year old son can flip his switch from happy to flopping-on-the-floor-angry in a matter of seconds.

It's actually kind of entertaining to watch. In a very sad sort of way.

So how is it going, you ask. What is happening?

For the past month (at least) the flopping has been fake. Oh, trust me, the flopping is real, but the 'anger' behind the flopping is fake.

How can we tell that? When a child is flopping like a fish on the floor, screaming and kicking, and then looks at you across the room and grins...you know the 'anger' is fake.

When said child is sent to sit on his bed for a little to cool off and he manages to do just that without breaking his windows or knocking holes in his walls....you know the 'anger' is now fake.

When the same child is able to sit strong in a matter of seconds (or even minutes) rather than flopping on the floor for two hours...you know the 'anger' is now fake.

We're on to kicking bad habits to the curb.

He's learned that we love him NO MATTER WHAT.

He's learned that breaking a window elicits no adverse reaction from mom OR dad...just makes it so he has to do some jobs to pay for the broken window.

He's learned that dinging up a wall or ceiling with a belt buckle just earns a grin and a "Good deal!! You can learn to patch holes and paint!!!"

He's learned that tearing holes in his blankets simply means that he has to do a little something for mommy..perhaps a backrub or two since she had to bend over so far getting into the attic to dig out another blanket.

He's learned that knocking a hole in the kitchen wall with his head not only causes a headache, but also results in practicing his hole patching skills.

But the main thing he's learned is still that WE LOVE HIM. He is our son and nothing he does can change that fact.

Spending the night in respite taught him that we will come back for him if we can. Of course, we can't promise that we will always return, but we can promise that as long as we're able, we will be here for him.

It's not just Will who has learned something. Not at all.

We as his parents have likely learned more than he has.

What all have we learned?

1. It works far better to stay calm with a smiling face (including the eyes) when your house is being destroyed than it does to fly off the handle. While that totally goes against the grain, we had to learn that healing our son was/is far more important than our things. No. We have definitely not perfected this skill as we are human and this destructive stuff is not our idea of acceptable, but we have found that taking it in stride is far better than flying off the handle.

2. It is easier to ask questions than it is to give orders. For example, rather than saying "Get back on your rug" (which is actually employing WALTER) it's better to say, "Where are you supposed to be?" Rather than using up my brain space, use up theirs. 99% of the time, our children totally know what they were asked to do...and just like to hear us use our words. They just like to get us worked up about something that really isn't our problem. If Will wants to spend two hours trying to get on his chair, more power to him. At least I know right where he's at!

3. It is easier to tell my child to take her plate to the other table (or another room) to finish eating than it is to remind at every meal to "chew with your mouth closed". Yes, she rolls her eyes (and then gets to do 10 fantastic eye rolls for me as practice in case there is ever an eye rolling contest at the fair) and marches off with an attitude...but if asked why she's being sent somewhere to finish her meal she knows right off.

4. It is far more fun to parent with a smile on my face than it is to parent with a perpetual frown on my face. While that should have been a no-brainer, it took me some time to figure that out. How sad. I could blame it all on the antics of our five year old, but honestly? I think it was simply an attitude issue in me. I had lost sight of the goal of being a parent (to raise our children to love and serve Jesus) and became one of 'those' parents. The kind who was impossible to please. The kind who harped non-stop and forgot to offer hugs and smiles. The kind who was far from nurturing. With the help of Jesus, that has changed. PRAISE THE LORD!!! Some days I feel myself slipping right back into my old habits...but the bad habits are changing right along with Will's bad habits.

5. It is easier to stay calm when you pray before reacting. Duh.

6. It is HARD to have a child with RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Very hard. I know. It's hard to have children, period. We've had so many people say, "I know exactly what you're going through. Why, just yesterday...." I know. Our children are 'normal' and do 'normal' child things too. I don't consider ripping the soles off brand new shoes 'normal'. I don't consider banging holes in the ceiling and walls with a belt 'normal'. I don't consider throwing rocks at brand new puppies "just to see if I could kill them" 'normal'. I don't consider knocking a hole in the kitchen wall with my head 'normal'. I don't consider beating on the bedroom door hard enough to knock the quarter round off 'normal'. I don't consider breaking a window and then using the glass shards to shred a blanket 'normal'.

I say none of this to elicit sympathy. It's a part of our family life and there MUST be a reason that God is allowing it to happen.

I say it because it's simply hard to have a child who appears normal to everyone around...but saves the destructive, horrible behavior for the family. Most people around us see only a cute little five year old who dearly loves his mommy and daddy and freely gives out hugs...in public. Most people see only a happy, smiling, energetic, funny five year old boy. Most people see a child who says 'Yes, Mommy' in a very respectful, cute manner.

And isn't that the way we all are wired? We tend to save the good behavior for when we go to church or to town or to any place where there will be other people. The 'bad' behavior? It's reserved for only those whom we love the most.

How terribly sad. How hypocritical.

So that's where we're at. We are seeing far more good days now. I actually don't remember the last time he totally destroyed something. Praise the Lord!! Sure we still have concerns as some days it feels as if we're moving backward rather than forward, but we have faith that God WILL heal our children.

Yes, I said children. Addie is still dealing with this whole baby thing in ways that have shocked us. She is struggling big time with the fact that her birth mommy didn't care for her as I care for Ty. This morning she finally opened up to us and we were able to reassure her in her fears.

And then there's Jack. We wonder frequently if that behavior is 'normal' or if we're dealing with some RAD in him, too. We fret and stew.

And we always come back to the fact that all we can do is pray. And parent therapeutically. And trust God for the outcome.

Cause really? In the end that's all we can do. Trust God with our children. We mess up. We make huge mistakes in our parenting. But at the end of the day, we know that God is able to restore our children.

HE and HE alone can heal their little brains.