Oops. Well over a month ago I think I remember finishing up a post with something like "Next week we'll talk about what you CAN do." And what do you know? Next week came. And next week went. And it's been several next weeks and I'm finally getting to the post.
I think it's an important one. I think it's needed...but I really don't feel like writing it.
PLEASE note. This post is not for me. This post is not so you all come rushing over to our house to collect my dirty laundry, or drop off meals, or offer baby sitting services. Our family is in a good spot right now for the most part. Our most recent addition to our family arrived over a year ago now. A whole year.
Just as a side note, many of these ideas are also things that you would possibly do for a family who just had a baby. Because really? Adopting a child, whether he be infant, toddler, preteen, or teenager, is VERY similar to having a new baby....but slightly more stressful if you can imagine that. There are the rare occasions when a new child joins a family and all goes so smoothly that the family cruises on as always, but it's far more common for it to upset things a bit.
When you add a baby to your family, the baby generally sleeps for hours and hours each day for the first several weeks. That is a huge blessing. It gives mom time to rest. It gives mom time to spend with the other children. It gives the children time to get used to a new little person in the home. Does a new baby still upset the apple cart a bit? Of course. There's a new normal that the whole family has to get used to.
When you bring a toddler or older child in to the mix, things get mixed up far more than adding a new baby. This new 'baby' is walking and talking and screaming and likely not sleeping much at all. There's a whole new world for the 'baby' to explore, a whole new family for the 'baby' to figure out, a whole new set of problems in the 'baby's' life. Likely the 'baby' didn't want to be moved from the home they were in. It was comfortable. It was their normal. It was perhaps a rotten situation, an abusive life style, a home life that you and I cannot possibly begin to imagine...but it was their normal. It was all they knew. There are those children who DO want to gain a family....and they thrive in their new environment....but there are still things to work through.
Anyway. None of that is telling you, the onlookers, what you can do to help. WAY back at the beginning of November I asked a large group of adoptive moms for ideas. Ideas on what I could pass on to those who have asked me in the past just what they CAN do to help. There is such a big list of things that we ask friends and family NOT to do...but we don't seem to know what to say when asked what you CAN do. Really....it's not that we don't have ideas, as I found out quickly, it's more that we don't like to appear needy. We did choose adoption....or rather God chose adoption for us. We signed the dotted line, we attended all the proper trainings, we said 'yes'.
The main reason you won't hear an adoptive mom giving you a list of ideas of ways to help is perhaps because of the feeling that we don't deserve it. After all, we DID know that we were adding a child to the mix. We did say yes. We CHOSE to do this. Many of us feel, I think, that to ask for help when we are overwhelmed seems like we are complaining. Many of us have heard...when asked how things are going and we are totally honest in our answer..."You knew what you were signing up for"...or something similar.
We did/do know the possibility of a seriously hurting child (they are all seriously hurting...but different personalities bounce back faster/easier than others) just like you know the possibility of having a bio child with serious heart problems or any other problem that children can be born with. But just because you KNOW the risk, doesn't mean that you CHOSE it. We knew the risk of bringing a child into our home with RAD, but we certainly didn't CHOOSE it. Had I been given the choice of a child with RAD or a child without RAD, I would have chosen the one without. God knew. God knew that a child (or a couple children) with RAD was what I needed to grow in Him.
Back to the point. Kind of. Something else to remember as you read through these is that while the first few weeks can be stressful after bringing another child into the mix, chances are very great that the real headaches won't start for months after the child has been in the home. One of ours started as soon as she joined us, another held out for 2.5 years, another has been pretty easy for the entire five years, and the last held out for six months or so. It's called the 'honeymoon period'. Many children have a strong desire to 'fit', so they will be unnaturally happy and more than willing to please. When they realize that they are here to stay and that the rules also apply to them, when they realize that feeling loved is hard and that it's really difficult to believe an adult who says they love you, when they realize that these folks are serious...that is when the honeymoon period ends and the real life begins. My point to this is....don't forget adoptive families after the first month cause it may be later when they REALLY need some support.
And please. DON'T think that I am begging for help. I'm certainly not. As you read, just try to think of one adoptive mom that you can shower with love. One mama who appears to have it all together but may actually be drowning in the hurtful things that her 'new' child is doing or saying. One mama who you may not even know very well...but could use a note of encouragement.
And without further ado....here comes what surely must be the longest blog post in the history of my blog. But perhaps not, as we all know that I can be pretty long winded. :)
1. Pray. And Pray. And Pray. Pray for the parents to have wisdom, patience, love. Pray for sleep for them all. Pray for bonding and attachment from both parties....believe it or not, as much as we want to bring a child into the home, sometimes the parents have just as many struggles attaching to the child as the child does to the parents. It's super easy to attach to a newborn baby that you have to hold and touch all day for months...it's not as easy to attach to a screaming, fighting, kicking, biting toddler. Pray for the child to trust his parents, to love being loved, to attach, to sleep. Sleep is a HUGE issue for many adopted children. For some, it's because bad/scary things happened while in bed, for others it's just simply because that is when they are still. Still for the first time all day long. It gives their brains time to think, time to remember, time to worry. The stress on a child is HUGE. So....PRAY. And please don't stop after the first few days. Those days can be stress filled...but chances are very great that the prayers will be needed MORE a few months later.
2. Meals. Food, folks. Lots of food. :) After Rainey joined our family last fall, a very sweet friend called and said she would be supplying supper every Tuesday night. She will NEVER know how blessed I felt for those couple months. It was a huge burden lifted to know that that one night a week I could think of something other than food. Food sometimes seems like a necessary evil. For some reason, my family still thinks they need three meals a day even when one of the family members has been screaming most of the day and my brain is fried. You don't have to set up a schedule. You don't have to supply a ten course meal. It doesn't have to be more than a papa johns pizza (or five, depending on the size of the family)...but food is a perfect way to bless a family without overstepping the boundaries. Just wheel in, drop off the food, give the mom an encouraging hug, and leave....knowing that you have blessed the family in a gigantic way.
3. Laundry. Call the mom, text the mom...and tell her to have the laundry sitting out, ready to be picked up. Laundry is never ending. And it's something that can be completely done at your house. Return it to the family...clean, folded, hung up, ironed. It may not be done exactly as the mom usually does it...but I can almost guarantee that the mom will have tears in her eyes. She will be blessed beyond measure.
4. Offer to do grocery shopping. Sounds crazy, I know, but I can testify to this one. Actually all of them...but this one really hits home. Three years ago when we were in the midst of our worst ever year to date, I didn't go to the grocery for months. Someone always asked at just the right time. I'd tell them my list...they'd bring it back to me. Awesome way to bless a family.
5. Send an encouraging text or e-mail or even snail mail. You never know when a seemingly simple note will be exactly the encouragement that a mom needs.
6. Encourage the 'healthy' children of the family. This area is one that is so hard for us as moms. Our hearts hurt for our children who are struggling, but our hearts also hurt for our children who are doing well. Countless times, several of our children have had to miss events due to siblings going crazy. It just isn't fair. While I know life cannot be 'fair', I also know that it's so easy for the healthy kids to get lost in the shuffle. As the mom, the energy is spent keeping on top of the hurting child/ren. The time is used up with the screaming and the extra attention that is needed. The healthy child/ren may not get the encouragement that they need. Encouragement to keep on keeping on. Affirmation on how amazing they are. It's not because mom doesn't want to do it, it's because mom is exhausted with the trenches and normal parenting things get overlooked. So...call the mom to see if you can take some children for an afternoon. Take the teens out for supper. Offer to take some children to the event of the evening. See if you can come over to play games with the healthies.
7. Offer to come over for an evening, maybe after the children are in bed, so dad and mom can have a date night. Or send a random gift card in the mail for a restaurant. It might be just the nudge that is needed for dad and mom to connect. Reality is, when mom has been dealing with trauma all day, it's rather difficult to connect to the husband when he comes home from work. Mom gets tired. Mom gets worn out. A date night is needed on occasion to rekindle the connection in the marriage.
8. Some older adopted children can handle and NEED adult interaction beyond mom and dad. Offer the parents a break in the form of coming to play basketball for a bit, playing a board game with the teen, pitch a softball...whatever you can do that would give a break. Bringing home a teen is not necessarily much different that bringing home a toddler. A teen has missed years of having a family. It's all new. They sometimes cling to the parents, talk non stop, have to learn a new language, are with mom or dad all day long. Just like a mom of a new baby or a toddler occasionally needs a break, the mom of a new to the family teen will need a break. It may not be possible for every child to interact with other adults for a while, but it certainly can't hurt to ask.
9. Clean. Many times all the energy is used up long before there's energy found to clean the house. And sometimes a house just needs to be cleaned. Call a mom. Ask if you can come clean the next time she's gone...or some day during nap time. It may not work....but just hearing the offer can speak volumes.
10. Phone call Coffee date with a friend. Nothing says that you have to MEET at a coffee shop. Set a time that you can have a date over the phone. Sometimes we simply cannot get a babysitter...depending on the overall mood and behaviors in the home. But that doesn't mean we don't want to connect with friends.
11. If you ask what you can help with or do for a family and they hesitate? Don't take that to mean that they don't have anything that needs done. Simply state that you will check in tomorrow. That gives the mom time to think about what would be the MOST helpful at that time.
12. Kidnap the mom some evening when you know the dad will be home with the children. As a general rule, mom is the most overwhelmed. Mom stays home all day. Mom gets the brunt of the rotten behaviors. Kiddo can be a rotten egg all day long and switch gears right when dad pulls in the drive. It's part of the triangulation that so many traumatized kiddos are professionals at. Nothing is more relaxing than when I can leave the children with Jason and enjoy a night out with friends....knowing that the children are just fine with dad.
13. Make sure to always check with parents before touching, hugging, picking up and carrying around a child. The child likely appears to be a sweet, charming, happy, huggy, always smiling little shaver when you see him/her. But chances are very great that the child is not that way at home. I'm not talking about the 'two Carolines'. I think it's perfectly normal for a child to be happy and helpful in public and moody and very un-helpful at home. I remember being just that way when I was younger (sorry, mom)...and if perfectly honest, I can still be that way. My good side comes out in public....my rotten side is reserved just for those who I love the most. Strange how that works. But these children can be that way to an extreme. They are super sweet and happy in public. They hug mom and smile ever so sweetly into her eyes. They rub her arm. They APPEAR to be the most sweet, loving child that has ever existed. And that is exactly what they want everyone to believe. But at home? You wouldn't recognize them as the same child. At home that same sweet child perhaps won't let mom touch him without screaming. He runs the other way if mom tries to give a hug. He punches holes in the walls if he feels loved. It isn't pretty and it is made far worse if someone carries the child and loves all over them while in public. We have always called it parent shopping....too much attention from an adult outside of mom and dad and the child is thinking that THAT person would be a far better mom. It's a very real struggle....one we have dealt with with several of our children. Ask before you touch.
14. Surprise mom with a coffee and a bag of M&M's. Make sure she's home, drop off the treat at the front door, offer a hug, and leave. Just knowing that someone cares is worth tons. I had a sweet friend show up one morning with a bouquet of flowers, a cup of coffee, and a hug. I will never forget it.
15. Listen. Just listen. If you ask how things are going, don't be surprised if all you hear is 'fine' or 'great'. Many of us don't really want to share that our child is destroying our house, threatening the other children to the point that they can't sleep, ripping out their hair, giving us black and blue spots during a rage, and driving a wedge between mom and dad. Many of us have tried to share and have been met with 'oh, my child does that, too', or 'oh, you should hear my child throw a fit'. I can almost guarantee you that you have never seen a fit until you have watched a few of my children throw a fit. :) Just this morning (I wrote this a month ago and am just now getting around to hitting 'post') I had one screaming for well over an hour. Screaming, hitting all manner of stuff, banging the head on the wall, rolling on the floor. It wasn't a fit, it was a rage. Addie would scream for hours on end...at least three hours at a time...scream, bite, pinch, kick, hit...when we first got her and for at least a year out....almost every day. Will knocked holes in our walls with his head. Please. Just listen if you truly want to understand. Chances are very great that you still won't understand...it's really hard to understand even when you live it day in and day out...but just a listening, non-judgmental ear is a huge blessing.
16. If you give a gift to the new child...give a gift to every child in the home...or give a gift that can be shared and isn't specifically for the new child. The children who have been here a while will eventually be resentful and angry when seeing all the gifts showered on the new child. The newcomer gets tons of attention from the parents for a while...attention that is needed...the others feel pushed aside. Basically, treat the newcomer as you would if you were a teacher. He/she is just another one of the children. No more important, no less important, no more exotic, no less exotic. It's hard enough for the other children to deal with a new sibling....it's far worse when the new sibling is singled out and declared all manner of cute and precious. ALL of the children are precious. They all need to hear it.
17. Try to understand if the parent (often the mom) appears to 'not be home' for a while. Many of us live in a fog for months after the new child arrives. It's very similar to having a new baby. The hormones, the emotions, the exhaustion, the stress.
18. Get training for doing respite!!!! Sadly, there are few folks that many of us feel we can leave our children with. Many of them need handled differently than your typical child. Many need strict love rather than the fun love. Many need someone who will see through their scheming and will rise to the occasion rather than backing down. Parents need the time to get away to enjoy each other...but don't have qualified sitters. So....consider doing that HUGE thing and then putting your name out there. :)
That was the list. That was what a community of adoptive moms wanted shared. It's definitely not all inclusive, but it's a start.
This year, may we make it a goal to reach out. Not just to adoptive moms...to all moms in general. EVERY mom gets the overwhelmed-I-can't-do-this-anymore feelings. EVERY mom needs to know that someone, somewhere cares about her.
This year, let's love a little more like Jesus.
Life With Littles
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